The Price of Balance
by averysubtlegift
Summary: Bella is a girl with a tragic past.The mysterious Edward sweeps in and seems to be balancing out some of the bad in her life.But can love really heal wounds,and what is the real price of balance?Will they be able to pay it?AU - Edward is not human or vamp
1. Watching and Waiting

AN - Okay, apparently I need to write, so I am back with another story for you. Please note that Bella is human - Edward is not - and he is not a vampire either. Rated M, because it will be dark in parts, and sometimes I like to be naughty.

To: smilelikeacullen, (because you accept my reality), and anyone who has sent me a PM about writing more - I hope you enjoy.

Watching and Waiting

The book I was about to reshelve slipped from my hand. It landed on the drab brown industrial carpeting with a muffled thud. I took a moment to glance around quickly. No one seemed to be looking my way. In fact, it seemed that even the book dropping hadn't garnered any attention. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding in.

I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder a moment later. The book fell from my hand a second time.

"Bella, are you okay? I didn't mean to startle you."

I turned and was staring into the concerned face of Esme Cullen, the head librarian, my boss - and also the closest thing I had resembling a mother.

"I'm fine. I'm sorry I jumped. I've been having this weird feeling all day, like someone is watching me. Each time it happens I look around and there isn't anyone I can see. It's starting to creep me out a little."

Esme nodded and gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze. Esme knew how much I craved flying under the radar, I worked hard at not being noticed. She didn't understand my feelings, she understood them on the surface but she never had any idea of the underlying reasons why. Thankfully, she was the type of woman who favored action over discussion.

"I haven't noticed anyone out of the ordinary today. I'll have Joe from security make a quick sweep through the stacks just to be sure. In the meantime, why don't you come with me back to the main desk. I have another stack of books that need to be replaced. That should give him enough time."

I smiled and nodded my agreement. I pushed my cart along behind her. Just before we reached the main desk, I felt the hair on the back of my neck prickle. I drew in a shaky breath, but resisted the urge to look around. If someone was enjoying toying with me I wasn't going to give them any more satisfaction by looking around like a scared, frantic, little girl.

I took my time reloading my cart. The repetitive monotony of this job was grating at times, but it suited me well. It gave me plenty of time to be alone with my thoughts. The truths of my life were simple. I was utterly alone, and my memories were my only companions. That was how I had wound up here in the first place.

If someone were to ask I would tell them, "My name is Bella Swan."

That would perhaps mean different things to different people. To me it meant a girl of 19 with chocolate brown eyes and long, wavy, brown hair. It meant a girl that was blessed with good skin and too much imagination. It meant a girl who had seen more horrors and cried more tears than many do in a lifetime. Bella Swan is a girl, living in a big city, trying her best to outrun the cards she had been dealt.

If you were to ask someone else, they might say I was attractive, or smart, or quiet. They might believe me to be shy or reserved. They could make their best guesses based on what I was willing to share. They would only be commenting on the façade I constructed for their benefit. It was easier for everyone if we all pretended that I am simply a quiet girl. This myth was easier for everyone, so it was the one I clung to.

I had fled my small home town for the anonymity of the city six months ago. While most girls my age were in college or worrying over the latest boyfriend, I was busy reconstructing my life.

I lived in a small, actually miniscule, apartment. I worked at the library Monday through Friday. My shift began later in the day, and one of the perks of the job was that I was allowed to stay late and use the computers. I was reading all the books I could carry home each week, and I was grateful that I was the kind of girl that couldn't be lonely if she had a good book around. We had a staff room that always had fresh coffee. This was another perk. I hadn't liked coffee before, but since I was so poor lately, I often had several cups in the evening - as a supplement to my meager dinner.

Esme's husband was a doctor, and she had talked him into giving me typing to do on the weekend. Between the two jobs, I was able to cover my apartment and basic living expenses - but not much else.

I was learning to love rice, canned soup, consignment shops, and public transportation.

Esme wondered why I had chosen the jobs I did. She had told me on more that one occasion that I should just get a job as a waitress or a cashier at one of the big chain stores. I knew she meant well. She wanted me to make better money and to do all the things a "normal" girl my age should be out doing. I thanked her for her concern, and assured her that I was comfortable with the choices I had made.

I didn't know how to tell her that I had moved to the city to escape those kinds of personal relationships. The library allowed me to hide away in the stacks, interacting with others in the most minimal way. I didn't want to wait on tables and know what a family was having for dinner that night. I didn't want the responsibility of not confusing the diet soda with the regular. And I really didn't want to ring up sales at the store on the corner, scanning someone's new underwear and toothpaste, smiling all the while. I couldn't manage all the details of my own life - how was I supposed to be privy to the details of everyone else's.

No, the library was the perfect place for me. When I reached work each day and ascended the old stone steps out front, I would feel a strange kinship with Quasimodo. The library was my sanctuary, and I was content to be the recluse who tidied the stacks.

I was about to head back with my latest cartload of books when Esme stopped me.

"Joe hasn't been back to the desk to check in yet. Take a minute to grab some coffee. I want to be sure that all is clear before you are out of my sight."

I nodded in agreement and resisted the urge to say "Yes, mom." She always meant well. I had to laugh at Esme's protectiveness. She had never been able to have children of her own, and I think she enjoyed her status as my newly adopted mom. Her concern for my safety was touching, even if the danger was all in my head.

I made myself a cup of coffee, mesmerized by the tendrils of steam rising from its surface. I took a quick sip. I knew Esme intended for me to take my time, but I had to drink my coffee hot, bordering on scalding. If I hurried I could have two cups.

As I was pouring my second cup, Mike came around the corner and joined me. If Esme was my new "City-mom" then Mike was the older brother I had always wished for. He was a technical wiz and was in charge of keeping the computer programs that ran the library up and running. The library was large enough to need someone like Mike on staff full time.

He poured himself a cup of coffee. He had been quiet since he walked in, which told me he had probably heard that I had been freaking out in the stacks. Mike was a supremely likable guy. He wasn't unattractive, but there wasn't anything about his looks that made you do a double take either. He had blonde hair and a boyish face that I imagined would still look young when he was pushing fifty. He was kind to everyone, had an extremely silly sense of humor, and had three pet cats back at his apartment. All of these things drew me to Mike, but they also made me shy away. He was just the kind of person I would ruin, and I didn't want to ruin anyone else.

I wasn't surprised when he pegged me with a serious stare and launched into questions.

"Are you okay, Bella? Esme doesn't usually call Joe out for nothing."

I couldn't believe that I had been stupid enough to draw so much attention to myself. What I wanted was the opposite.

"Yes. It's nothing. Esme just overreacted a bit. You know how she can be, especially when it comes to me. I felt like someone was watching me - but I didn't see anyone. I think I probably spend too much time alone, and now my imagination is punishing me."

He still looked concerned. It looked for a moment as if he was tempted to reach out and touch me, but realized I probably wouldn't like it.

"Please just be careful. I know Joe will be thorough, but we do sometimes get weird people in here. Trust your gut, okay?"

I promised him that I would. It had been so long since anyone had looked out for me that it was overwhelming.

He picked up his cup and turned to leave. He stopped at the door and turned back.

"If you felt like not being alone, I'm meeting some friends for dinner on Friday. You'd be welcome to come."

His invitation hung in the air. My stomach tightened for a moment as I considered what he had said. I weighed his words, trying to decide if he was just suggesting I needed a friendly night out or if he was asking me on a date. His words seemed to lean toward friendly but the look on his face did not.

To my utter amazement, the following words flew out of my mouth.

"You're right. I could use a night out. Thanks for asking."

The smile that spread across his face confirmed my suspicions about him asking me on a date. He turned and left, leaving me stunned by my own behavior.

There were so many things wrong with what just happened. I liked Mike. I thought of him like I would a friend or a brother, but nothing more. In fact, I barely knew him enough to even consider him a friend and I didn't have extra money to spend on a night out. I bit my tongue angrily to punish it for acting so out-of- character.

It was Monday. I had four days to get myself out of this date. Knowing the way my life goes, a lot can happen in four days.

I rinsed out my mug and headed back out. I prayed I wouldn't run into anyone else, I needed uninterrupted thinking time.

When I reached the main circulation desk, Joe was leaving and Esme was smiling. I was sure that this meant that my overactive imagination had made me play the fool once again. I ducked my head and began gathering more returns. I hoped that I could escape back to me refuge without having to make explanations.

Of course that couldn't happen.

"Bella, Joe says everything looks fine. If you still feel uncomfortable, come back and I will find you something else to do this evening. You don't have to be out in the stacks today."

She gave my shoulder a reassuring pat.

I breathed a small sigh of relief when I was finally able to make my escape. I had that strange feeling of being watched again in the evening. It was no longer an unsettling feeling, more like a knowledge that I wasn't alone. I didn't tell anyone.

Mike and Esme both sought me out to tell me goodnight. This wasn't unusual on Esme's part. She usually said goodbye and checked to see if I intended to use the computers for a while. Mike seeking me out was a new development, brought on I was sure, by my acceptance of his invitation. I tried to keep my tone in the "friendly" neighborhood, still worried about whatever impression he was creating in his mind.

I spent two hours looking up various items online. I searched the local papers of my hometown, craving news on one hand, happy I had fled on the other. I checked my e-mail and read the few notes that had come my way. There was a note from an old girlfriend detailing her classes at college and the boys she was meeting. It was general and vague and it had been sent to most of the girls in our graduating class. It wasn't personal to me, and I deleted it before I even reached the bottom. The other message was from Embry. Embry had been one of Jacob's best friend. Embry e-mailed almost daily. He wanted to know what I knew about the accident. I never replied. Embry and I had been friendly. I should have taken the time to let him know something. The problem was that Jacob's death was part of the reason I had run away. Part of the reason I had cut ties and fled. I couldn't think about that day without breaking down - and I couldn't hash my memories out in an e-mail to Embry. That was a certainty.

I made sure everything was turned off and shut down as I made my way toward the exit. My stomach always felt like it was laden with ice after I thought of Jacob. I pulled my black wool coat tighter around me and noticed my hands were shaking as I fiddled with the buttons. I had to walk the seven blocks back to my apartment and the winter night had turned bitter cold. I shoved my hands into my gloves and pulled my knit hat down over my mass of brown hair. The thought of a meager dinner of eggs and toast did nothing to increase my speed. I decided I would splurge and have a cup of cocoa too. With that happy thought I braced myself for the rush of cold air as I pulled open the door.

The faint click as the door locked behind me was almost lost in the rush of a gust of icy wind. I reminded myself to keep my eyes on the prize as I walked home. Warm hot chocolate and a new book to read. Maybe even a hot bath. I just had to get moving.

Of course what happened next chased thoughts of hot chocolate and cold wind right out of my brain. Sitting on the steps that led to the sidewalk in front of the library was a man. His back was to me, and all I could really see was the broad set of his shoulders and the thick waves of hair at the back of his head. He was sitting so casually, no hat, body as relaxed as if it were a beautiful spring day, not a windy wintry night. I paused with my hand on the railing. I mentally cursed myself for letting the door close behind me without noticing that I wasn't alone. I didn't have a key to get back in. There was nothing to do but head down the steps. How strange was it that I had felt watched all day and then when someone was really there I hadn't even noticed until it was too late. I remembered Mike's words from earlier about trusting my gut. I wasn't scared. He hadn't moved since I had stepped out of the library. Maybe I could just pass by and he wouldn't even notice.

He turned towards me then, as if he had heard my thoughts and wanted to assure me he would notice if I walked by.

I stopped breathing as I took in his face. It was so flawlessly beautiful that it didn't seem like it could be real. He had lush full lips that were a deep pink, and cheekbones that looked chiseled by some master sculptor. His face looked slightly flushed, as if he had spent the day on a sunny beach - which seemed more in keeping with his golden skin and bronze hair. He met my eyes and I found myself smiling, for no reason other than the fact that his were sparkling. Sparkling. They were like multi-faceted emeralds, deep and green and sparkling. There was no other description possible.

He looked sad. As if he were dealing with some unendurable pain and wasn't quite sure what to do about it. It was a look I recognized and could sympathize with. I wanted to look away, to not acknowledge this beautiful despondent creature.

I was such a fool. It was dark and the street was quiet. It was utterly freezing. I needed to walk away. I needed to get home and stop acting like a romance heroine who falls into the arms of the gorgeous stranger that shows up when she least expects it. I wished I hadn't seen the sadness. It touched me in ways that his beauty couldn't, and right now I couldn't be disarmed by my own foolish compassion.

I summoned my strength and looked away. Less than a minute had passed, yet it felt like time had stopped. I moved away, giving the delicious man a wide berth. I wondered how old he might be. I was a horrible judge of age, he looked young but his eyes betrayed that, like he had an old soul. I was halfway down the steps and I could still feel his eyes on me.

A clear warm voice cut through the sounds of the night. I looked up reflexively and shook my head as the night took another turn deeper into the twilight zone. There were two people approaching on the street. A man and woman. The man looked like he could be the brother of the man on the steps. He had similar wavy hair, though his was blonde, and an equally fair face. The woman next to him had her small fingers interlaced with his. She had dark hair that was short and spiky. She looked like a porcelain doll, with cranberry lips and skin that was creamy and perfect.

I had stopped moving again. Evidently it was that time of night when all the freakishly beautiful people came out to play.

The pretty twosome passed by me without a glance. The man spoke again. I caught his words this time.

"We need to go now, Edward."

The man on the steps, Edward, looked at him and then back at me. I wondered why I was even on his radar. If he was hanging out with people that looked like that, I should be invisible to him. He stood and walked down the remaining steps.

He was wearing a grey wool coat. He fell into step with the others. I remained still, continuing to ogle them all, my brain working hard to understand what was occurring.

The three of them began walking away together. Edward didn't turn back to look at me again, though I was hoping he would. The other two did, which surprised me. They looked back at each other and something seemed to be wordlessly shared between them. They looked hopeful, but what they could possibly be hoping for was beyond me.

It had begun to snow. Icy flakes were now sailing towards the ground. I watched as the trinity of beauty continued down the sidewalk. It was then that I realized that none of them were wearing hats or gloves - even though the night was bitter. Stupidly, I wondered if they had far to go. I was about to turn away when I saw that they were also not wearing shoes. No shoes and no socks, not one of them. Their bare feet made no sound on the sidewalk as they moved. Their bodies did not betray a single sign of being cold or uncomfortable. They turned the corner and were out of my sight.

I closed my mouth, which had been agape from the moment I realized they were barefoot. I vowed to walk home as quickly as I could, eat my supper and get a good night's rest. I was not going to mention my strange encounter to anyone. After my strange behavior at work today this would be icing on the cake.

What would I even say? "There was an incredibly gorgeous man on the steps when I left last night, and for some strange reason he seemed to be waiting for me. He met up with some of his equally beautiful friends and none of them were wearing shoes."

It sounded ridiculous to me and I had watched the whole thing unfold. I decided the best thing to do was file the experience under the category of "strange things happen in big cities, so get used to it." I pulled my coat tight and headed home.

Again and again I vowed to put Edward out of my mind. Unfortunately I liked the feel of his name on my tongue too much. And despite the bitter cold, the thought of his eyes made my insides warm.

By the time I reached my door I had scrapped my plan to just put it all out of my mind. Now I was simply wishing that I might get to see his beautiful face again.


	2. Ashes

Ashes

I bundled myself in a towel as I got out of the tub. The water had ceased being warm and since my apartment was cold, I was quickly getting chilled. I had thought the bath would help me settle my brain. Of course it only made me dwell on the shoeless wonders more closely. I wondered why he was sitting on the steps when I left tonight. I had the feeling that he had been the one watching me inside, but it didn't seem possible. I would definitely have remembered seeing that face. Even just recalling it in my mind made me shudder. His beauty was so excessive it seemed illicit.

I threw on my ratty sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt. I liked sleeping in less, but I was always cold and this apartment was frigid at best. There were times it felt like the wind blew right through it. I hated being cold. I should have thought of that before I moved. I should have moved somewhere warm and sunny and light. Of course, my limited funds had more to do with where I wound up than my personal preferences.

I pulled a book out of my bag and settled on my bed with my long awaited cup of cocoa. I wrinkled my nose as I realized how ludicrous it was that cocoa had become a luxury in my life. I read until my eyelids started to close of their own accord. Before I clicked off my bedside light I touched the faces of my mom and dad in the picture I kept next to my bed. I hated being so alone. I hated how much had happened since they were gone. The picture had been taken on my seventh birthday. I was missing one of my front teeth. My parents had taken me to the zoo, we had just visited the monkey house - and I was smiling so widely. I was holding both of their hands. I remembered how warm and safe that always felt, to be holding their hands, to be safe in-between them.

As I turned off the light and rolled onto my side I thought of how cold their headstones felt in the cemetery. The last time I was there I had stood between them, one hand on each. I hadn't felt warm or safe. I had felt scared and alone, just like right now.

I woke several hours later, soaked in cold sweat, screaming Jake's name. I should have known I would dream of him tonight. Too much had happened, I was feeling too lonely and unsettled when I had drifted off to sleep.

I got up and wiped my face, there were still tears streaming out of my eyes. I changed into dry clothes and checked the time. It was after 3:00am, but I knew I wouldn't be falling back to sleep anytime soon. I checked the locks on my doors, out of habit. I looked at the book that was still lying on the bed. I didn't feel like reading. I felt like talking, like communicating. I felt like I wanted to have someone put their arms around me, to hold me tight and tell me that all of this was going to be okay.

I decided to write to Jake. It was something I did from time to time. I wasn't sure how it had started, but somehow when I was really missing him, it helped to write it down. I pulled out a blank piece of paper and then had to dig around in a few different drawers in order to find something to write with. I had to settle for a stubby pencil with no eraser left. I sat at my little table and thought about Jacob, tried to remember how warm he always made me feel. I let my words flow freely.

_Dear Jake,_

_Why did you have to leave me? I miss you so much, and I hate it here. I couldn't stay there anymore._

_ Everyone blames me, I do too. If I could go back I would do it all different, I would make it right._

_ Maybe then I would still have my warmth, my sun. That's what you were, my sun._

_Embry writes every day. He wants to know what happened. I don't know what to tell him._

_ I talked to your dad two weeks ago. I think he's glad I left. He still loves me, but I think it's easier for him right now if he doesn't have to see me._

_I am so alone that it is frightening. I hope you know how sorry I am._

_I love you._

_Bells_

I held the letter in my hand for several minutes. I was done crying now. It always felt good to write to Jacob. It was odd because I had never once written to either of my parents. That was just the way it was with Jake, he had always been my best friend - and somehow a part of me felt like that was a connection that couldn't be lost just through death.

I folded the letter, gently kissing the smooth paper. I grabbed a heavy sweatshirt and a lighter. I unlatched the sliding glass door that lead out to what was supposed to be my balcony. It was really just a little 4x6 metal landing, capable of fitting a small chair. It offered no privacy or solace of any kind. In fact, this was only the second time I had even set foot on it. In spite of the early hour the city was still alive with all its unrecognizable sounds. The street, several stories below was empty. It was dark and cold. My breath came out in frosty little puffs.

I placed the letter on a small plate that I had brought out. I flicked the lighter and marveled for a moment at the little flame, surprised by how comforting and bright it was in the darkness. I touched the flame to the corner of the letter. The letter burned quickly, little bits of ash joining the icy flakes on the wind. I hoped that somehow the wind would carry my letter to Jacob, that it would sail across time and space and he would know.

The letter was almost completely gone. There was a scorch mark on the white plate. One last large piece of charred paper blew off of the plate. I watched as it fluttered toward the ground. It caught in a sudden gust and picked up speed as it blew past the buildings. It was nearly out of sight, and I could feel a calmness settling over me.

Suddenly, a figure stepped out of the shadows. In a move that was lightening quick, his hand shot up and seized that scrap of paper out of the air.

It was a man, I could tell by the faint outline of his shoulders and his stance. My heart beat jaggedly as I watched him hold the scrap of paper in his fingertips, and then wrap it tightly in his hands. His head turned slowly in my direction. I was frozen in place.

A car pulled onto the street and the headlights illuminated the man. His bronze hair hung in his face in complete disarray, and his green eyes sparkled in the passing beams of light. His feet were still bare. It was Edward, the same man that had been sitting on the library steps. It wasn't possible, and yet it was happening.

I took a step back away from the railing. His head tilted slightly to the side, as if he were watching my every move carefully.

I closed my eyes. I was thrilled and angry and scared all at the same time. None of this made sense. How could he be on the street below my apartment? How had he grabbed the last bit of ash as it flew on the wind?

I should be running inside. I should lock the door behind me.

Yet, against my better instincts, I opened my eyes, ready to gaze back down on the mysterious man.

He was gone. The street was once again empty. No cars, no people, no blackened bits of letters. Just icy cold air and the occasional flurrying flake of snow. I stepped to the edge of the balcony again, gripping the rail as I frantically raked my eyes over the street below. It seemed wrong to me that it was more unsettling that he was no longer there.

I stood, waiting and watching. I stood until my hand was stiff, nearly frozen to the metal railing.

I locked the door behind me and crawled into my bed. My body was stiff with cold and my clothes were holding all the icy chill of outside within their folds. I paid them no mind. I closed my eyes and willed those green eyes out of my mind.

What if I was really having a mental breakdown? A psychotic break? The counselor I had seen after my parents had died had warned me that such things were possible after severe emotional trauma. What if losing Jacob had triggered something? What if this man, this Edward, was some delusion that my brain had created?

I cried again. I cried as I fell asleep. I cried for my mom and dad, and for Jacob. I cried because I was alone, and cold, and afraid. I cried because I wanted him to be real. I wanted Edward to be real, and to be for me.

I woke to sunlight streaming through my window. I could tell the day was well underway, and I was glad that I didn't have to be up early for work. I stretched out in my bed, feeling surprisingly well rested. I felt light this morning, like the day held some sort of promise, just for me. I am usually anything but chipper, especially on a winter morning, so my sunny disposition was surprising, even to me. I took a hot shower, staying under the steamy water until it began to cool. I dressed carelessly, choosing warmth and comfort over style.

As the morning drew on I began to have a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. My good mood had begun to ebb back like the receding tide. I remembered waking after having a nightmare, but the rest of the night was so unclear. It seemed odd that I felt like I slept so well. I couldn't seem to recall getting back to sleep after the dream, I couldn't seem to recall what had happened in that space of time.

I made my way to the tiny kitchen. There on the counter was the plate that I had brought outside last night. As I ran a fingertip over the scorch mark on its surface I clearly recalled burning Jake's letter on the balcony. I also remembered seeing Edward, as he stood down on the street, emerging from the shadows. I pulled my finger up and examined the tip of it. There was a clean streak on the plate and my finger was now stained with the ash.

Edward. His name rolled through my brain like a freight train. The claim I felt over that name was alarming. I had no idea who he was, and after last nights realizations, I had no idea if he was, either. And still, his name rang in my ears - and when I closed my eyes I could see those sparkling eyes staring back at me.

I cleaned my fingers and then washed the plate. The fear I had last night was returning. The fear that I was conjuring imaginary friends to combat my loneliness. Maybe it was good that I had accepted Mike's offer of a night out. I probably shouldn't be alone so much. I wondered what he would say about my strange encounters with Edward. He'd probably suggest I move or see a psychiatrist. It didn't matter. I wasn't going to tell anyone.

Even if Edward was just a manifestation of some horrible psychosis I had developed, I was selfish enough to not care. I was an idiot.

I got ready to leave for the library. I grabbed the medical reports I had typed up for Esme's husband, Dr. Cullen. I made sure I had my keys. I checked to be sure the glass slider to the balcony was secure. I looked out, replaying the scene of last night in my mind.

I was turning away when I noticed something propped against the door. I carefully slid the door open and picked up the object. I slid the door closed and locked it again.

In my hand was a feather. I had never been much of a bird enthusiast, but I had to wonder what kind of bird had feathers like this. The feather was white, but that adjective wasn't enough, not by far. It was bright white and shimmering, the way a billowy cloud would look with the sun shining behind it. It was big, too. It had to have come from some sort of hawk or owl or swan - a bird that could grow feathers that were nearly 8 inches long. It was beautiful, and soft, like the finest gossamer. The quill was thin and came to a sharp point.

I swallowed as I looked closely at the feather. There was a small fragment of paper impaled on the quill. The edges were charred and black. There were words written on the paper.

In a beautiful handwritten script, there were two words. Two words that felt like a lifeline, thrown to me as I floundered in a sea of desperation.

_Just Believe_.

It was the scrap of paper that Edward had grabbed. It was the same piece.

I stared at the words. _Just Believe_.

Believe what, Bella? Believe that a crazy man appears out of nowhere and then sneaks onto your balcony to leave you cryptic messages attached to feathers. Believe that you are so desperate to not be alone that you are constructing some fantasy life in order to cope. Is that what you should just believe?

This was further proof that I was utterly absurd. As soon as those ideas entered my mind I rejected them in their entirety.

I rubbed the ridiculously soft feather against my cheek.

I believed that my parents were somewhere good, and that they were together. I believed that Jacob knew what I wrote in my letters, that he knew I was sorry. I believed Edward was real. I believed that he wouldn't harm me. I believed that I wasn't alone anymore.

I tucked the feather under my pillow, with the paper still attached.

_Just Believe._

* * *

AN - You will find out what happened to Jacob and to Bella's parents as the story progresses. The story will not have a real religious or moral bent - in case the "believe" message has you worrying.

Feel free to review - I would love to know what you are thinking. Take Care - and Happy New Year, Love C.


	3. Coming Clean

Stephenie Meyer Is the creator of the Twilight series. I am forever grateful!

Coming Clean

The next few days were Edwardless. It was clear that I was obsessed, especially as I began to analyze each person that passed, hoping that I would catch a glimpse of him or his two friends again. He wasn't on the library steps again. There were no more cryptic notes. I spent way too much time on my pitiful balcony. I even started noticing people's feet, in the vain hope that there was some strange society of beautiful people that walked barefoot in the winter. I myself subscribed more to the Carrie Bradshaw school of thought that you didn't want to be walking barefoot on city streets - not that your feet needed to be clad in Manolos - but still.

By Thursday I began to wonder again about what I actually did believe. Maybe Edward was just some sort of wish-fulfillment. I did have to give myself a bit of credit there though. If it was all just in my head, I'd done a damn fine job, because he was perfect.

The one thing that still threw me was the feather. If I was going off the deep end, then I was doing it thoroughly, because the feather was definitely real. I took to carrying it around my apartment whenever I was home. I did some research on the internet, but I couldn't seem to determine what type of bird it came from. The texture of it was fascinating. My mom always told me to never touch feathers I found on the ground when I was small. She said they were dirty and loaded with bugs and germs. I carried this one around and slept with it under my pillow and I was still healthy and well, so I guessed I was safe. It seemed too dazzlingly white to carry impurities of any kind.

Something else unique about the feather was that it smelled good. It wasn't a smell that was really describable, but it was kind of addictive. I would compare the smell to the first mild spring day, when the earth just feels alive, and the air smells sweet - and you breathe it in so deeply that your lungs almost hurt. That's what it smelled like, like new life, like green growing things, like possibility and freedom.

This was my strange new reality. Looking for Edward, obsessing over footwear, and getting a strange high from the scent of a feather.

I always thought my brain, my way of seeing the world was a little different from everyone else. This all just confirmed it.

As I left for work, my arms were loaded down with my bag full of laundry. It was Thursday, which meant laundry day. There was a laundromat between my apartment and the library. Thursdays were free detergent day. It tended to be more crowded and you waited for a dryer, but I couldn't turn down free detergent.

Esme laughed when she saw me toss my laundry bag into the break room. She found it highly amusing that free detergent day was the highlight of my week. She offered me the use of her washer and dryer, and even offered to wash my things herself and bring them back to me. I didn't take her up on either offer. Thursdays were my awkward foray into society. On Thursdays I got to see if Jeanne finished the book she was reading for the past four months. On Thursdays I helped old Mrs. Carmichael fold all her ratty towels before she loaded them into her little pushcart. On Thursdays, little Kyle, with the ever-runny nose would be waiting to show me his latest Matchbox car - and he might even dig some sticky, linty M&Ms from his pocket to share with me. It was completely benign, and it gave me the feeling of being a part of something without really having to be. So I shook off Esme's laugh and got ready to work.

I reminded myself that Esme meant well. She wanted more for me. She knew that my parents were gone, and I think she worried that it was lack of guidance that landed me here instead of college. She saw a girl that was struggling to make it on her own. She envisioned me being happier as a coed, with a happy little life spread out before me. That was the real trouble with Esme's good intentions. She could imagine that it was difficult for me to be alone, but she did not know the reality.

It was amazing to me that I was even here. After all the things that have happened, I am just starting to emerge from the protective cocoon I wrapped around myself. Esme didn't understand that my wings were still wet, damp and useless. I wasn't equipped to fly. That was what college was. College was flying. College was friends and parties and boys and lecture halls filled with people and relationships. Flying. I needed to stretch my wings, to build up my strength. I needed a quiet job at the library, I needed free detergent day at Fifth Street Laundry. I needed to glide, to see how far I could go with the strength I had left. That was what Esme didn't know, and I reminded myself again that she meant well.

"I heard you're going out with Mike tomorrow? That's new. I'm glad you're branching out from the laundromat."

I glanced at Esme's face. I wasn't sure if she was really hoping for an answer. The expectant look on her face told me she did indeed expect one.

"Mike is meeting some friends, of which I am one. Its not a date, if that's what you're thinking. And I am aware that there is a whole world outside of the library and my apartment." I rolled my eyes at her laugh.

"You might want to check with Mike, because he thinks you're going on a date."

I rubbed the fingertips of my right hand over my forehead, trying to ease the tension gathering there. I knew this was going to happen. It annoyed me. I didn't flirt or dress to attract attention. I didn't encourage Mike in any way that should make him think this was a date. I barely talked to Mike the past few days. All my spare moments were spent daydreaming about a certain man with magnificent green eyes. A man that was most definitely not Mike.

"I don't know why he would think that. I will have to talk to him. Thanks for giving me a heads up." It was clear she was watching out for me again.

"Don't be too hard on him Bella. You might be oblivious to it, but guys stare at you all the time. You might be trying to go unnoticed, but I'm not sure that plan is really going to work out for you. Mike wears his heart on his sleeve, and I am pretty sure he sees how special you are. Just be nice, okay?"

"I will. I promise I will be nice."

Esme ruffled my hair and gave me a quick hug as she walked away. She made me miss my mom fiercely.

I caught up with Mike later in the day. I reminded him that we were going out as friends, for a fun night out. He agreed. I didn't believe him - but I was nice.

I made my way to Fifth Street Laundry after work. It was still bitter cold out. The cold spell was supposed to last for several days. The thought depressed me. The warm moist air in the laundry was welcoming. It smelled like clean soap and fabric softener, and I was in no hurry to head back out into the dark winter night.

As I was dropping my first load of clothes into the only empty washer I took a mental inventory of who was here. There was a young couple in the corner talking, drinking coffee from matching silver travel mugs. There were a few children with their moms. I didn't see Jeanne, which meant I would need to wait until next week to see what book she was reading. I spotted my little friend Kyle and he gave me a shy wave. Mrs. Carmichael pushed her cart through the door, already scanning for an empty machine. I smiled. It was definitely the little things in life that pleased me the most.

I found an empty chair and settled in with my book to do a little reading and a little people watching. Kyle came over to visit. He didn't offer me any candy today. He held a red car in his hand and his shoe was untied.

When my last load was nearly done drying, I was chatting with Mrs. Carmichael as we folded her towels together. She lived here all her life and it amazed me that she never chose to leave. I knew there were plenty of people in the small town I grew up in that lived their whole lives there, too. Maybe most people didn't have reasons for leaving, like I did.

"I heard that it's supposed to stay under 10 degrees through Monday."

"That's alright. It is winter, you have to expect the cold. Think how much more you'll appreciate spring, Bella." Mrs. Carmichael was an eternal optimist.

She opened her mouth to say something else but then closed it again. She looked past me, over my shoulder.

She leaned slightly closer and said, "Is he a friend of yours?" She finished her statement with an exaggerated head nod to the side. It was almost comical, until I turned my head and saw Edward closing the distance between us with a purposeful stride.

I turned back to Mrs. Carmichael wide-eyed. Of all the places I expected to see him, the Fifth Street Laundry wasn't one of them. I ran a hand over my hair, which ballooned to twice it's size in this humid space.

My back was still to him when he spoke. His voice was magical. It was quiet and deep and I wanted to drown in it.

"Excuse me."

I looked up and then promptly stumbled back into the washing machine behind me. He was so close, right next to me. His face even more wonderful and perfect than I remembered, even under the horrible fluorescent lights. It was all too much, his voice, his closeness, his beauty. Why one earth was he here?

"My name is Edward. I remember seeing you outside of the library a few nights ago. I saw you in here and wanted to introduce myself."

That voice. It turned my bones into mush. This was the moment I wished for, for days - and I wasn't sure I would even be able to speak. I tried to form a coherent response in my head, but then I glanced at his face and it all flew right back out. I wondered what his parents must look like, what sort of genes would be needed to produce someone that looked like that. He waited for me to say something, and the corner of his perfect mouth turned up slightly. My heart actually skipped a beat then.

I might have continued to just stand there like an idiot if Mrs. Carmichael didn't take one of the towels we just folded and slap me in the arm with it. She smiled up at Edward and then said to me, "Bella, say something to him already."

She made a show of going back to her folding, but I knew she intended to listen to every word of our conversation.

I cleared my throat. I looked down, hoping if I wasn't looking at his face I would be able to speak. Then two things happened simultaneously - I noticed he was wearing boots and my mouth started working.

"You have shoes on." I blurted out. I was so startled by this that I chanced a look at his face. He looked confused.

"It's freezing outside. People wear shoes." He tilted his head ever so slightly, as if he hoped I would change the subject.

"I'm Bella. Bella Swan. I remember seeing you outside of the library, too."

"It is a pleasure to meet you Bella. You have an enchanting name."

Enchanting? Good grief, was he for real? He stood there like some sort of freak of nature in all his perfect glory with these sweet manners - and he used words like enchanting. He was too much. At least Mrs. Carmichael saw him. That convinced me he wasn't just some malfunctioning synapse in my brain.

I wondered for a moment if I should ask about the feather, but somehow that seemed too personal for this formal set of introductions.

"Umm, how did you know I was here? I know you said you saw me, but I haven't been near the front windows." Stupidly, I hoped he was stalking me.

He cleared his throat and shifted his feet. I noticed he was wearing worn jeans and a turtleneck sweater that was grey. The coat over top wasn't buttoned. I already knew he was wearing boots. His hair was amazing. There were glints of gold and red reflecting in the lights, and it was windblown and gorgeous. It seemed to be begging to be touched. I almost felt rude for not running my fingers through it.

I looked up after what I felt was a more than long enough time for him to come up with an answer. He smiled then, a real smile, not just a little lip twitch. A glorious lopsided grin that turned his face into something angelic. I almost forgot that I was waiting for an answer. He continued smiling at me and I felt warm, as if I were lying on a beach in the sun on a summer day.

"I was at the library," he started slowly. His voice weaving a spell over me once again. "I wanted to approach you when you left, but.." he hesitated, as I hung on every word, "I just couldn't, and then I - well I sort of followed you here." He looked horribly embarrassed after making this admission.

"I felt stupid just following you in, so I went to the coffee shop next door, and I finally worked up the courage to come in and introduce myself."

I stared at him in disbelief. I won't lie, I played out imaginary conversations with him in my mind for days, shamelessly. Now that he was here really talking to me, I didn't know what to make of him. I wondered about our strange encounters Monday, questions building in my mind. He was so much more "human" than I expected. I built him up to mythic proportions in my brain, yet at the same time he was so much more. He just admitted to following me, with the sole intention of meeting me - admitted he was nervous. I wondered for a second if he ever looked in a mirror, there was absolutely nothing about me that should require him to steel his courage to speak to me.

"That is -" I was about to say that it was the sweetest thing I ever heard, but he cut me off.

"Crazy, I know. I'm sorry. I'll go."

He actually turned to go. Maybe he was crazy! I reached out and grabbed his arm. I let go immediately. As soon as I touched him it felt like I was in a vortex of raw sensation. It was like a bolt of lightning ran through me. Our eyes locked and his hand moved up his arm. The look of wonder in his eyes told me he felt the amazing feeling as well.

I looked at my hand, surprised that it wasn't red or glowing. It betrayed no sign of what it just experienced.

I knew I needed to say something, anything to make him stay. I worried that if I let him go I might never see him again.

"Edward, please." I smiled. "I was going to say that I thought you were very sweet, not crazy. Please don't leave." Please don't ever leave. Please.

The dryer nearest where we were standing buzzed. My last load of clothes was finished. Normally I would just toss it in my bag and take care of it when I got home. I wasn't ready to leave now. What would happen if I said I was ready to leave? Would Edward walk me home? Would we go next door and get some coffee? This moment right now felt so magical, I worried that if we left the spell would be broken.

"I have one load left to fold. Do you feel like helping?" I gestured to the dryer as I rolled a small cart over and tossed the warm clothes into it.

"I would like to help you, Bella." I trembled at his words. His voice, the very sound of it, seduced my ears.

I looked around for a moment as I rolled the cart back over to where he was standing. Everything was the same. No one stared at us, even Mrs. Carmichael tried her best to look busy. How odd that everything looked the same, because as soon as Edward said my name - it felt like my entire world changed.

I didn't know what was going on between us. There was this intensity that I couldn't name. I was glad to have the laundry to tackle. I didn't think I could handle just standing there having a conversation with him. I needed to acclimate myself to him, my entire body needed to adjust to his proximity.

We made some light small talk as we worked. I didn't want the task to finish quickly so I folded each piece meticulously. His large hands were careful and he folded my t-shirts like they were precious silk and not cheapy cotton Hanes. I tried not to look at his face because when I did I lost all other mental faculty.

He was quiet for a moment, and I looked up. He held a pair of my Tinker Bell underwear in his hand.

He glanced up at me and then let them fall back into the pile. He blushed slightly.

That faint pink staining his cheeks completely did me in. I fell in love in the laundromat. There was no hope for me now. I never felt this way before, ever. He was too adorable for words. His looks were so at odds with his behavior. He looked like a man that could have any woman in his bed with a snap of his fingers, yet he was unnerved by underwear with cartoon characters on them - they were really only a slight step above granny panties. I gave a low chuckle as I wondered what he would have done if it had been a thong.

"I'll do those, okay?" I asked as I fished the three pairs of underwear from the cart.

He smiled sheepishly, the pink returning to his cheeks again. "That sounds like a good idea."

A tug on my hand brought me out of the little bubble that we formed for ourselves. I looked down to see Kyle, he came over to say goodbye. I playfully ruffled his hair and said goodbye. He stood there a moment longer and I realized he was looking at Edward. I never came here with anyone, and the interest on his face was obvious.

"Edward, this is my friend Kyle. He has a really cool car collection." Kyle beamed with pride.

He said a shy "hi" as he looked at the floor.

Edward squatted down to Kyle's level. He flashed him that blindingly beautiful smile.

"Can I see your car?" He asked, holding his hand out towards the little red car clutched in Kyle's small fist.

Kyle handed the car over.

Edward appraised the little vehicle carefully. I wondered if this was a show for my benefit, if he thought he was scoring points (he was). It didn't feel that way though. He was simply good, and kind.

"I wish I had a car like that. Make sure you take good care of it." He handed Kyle the little car back and then quickly tied the boys still untied sneaker lace.

Before Kyle walked back to his mom he fished in his pocket and pulled out a stick of half-wrapped JuicyFruit gum. He offered it to Edward, who did not so much as flinch at the grubby candy. He thanked Kyle and pulled the rest of the wrapper off the gum

"This is my favorite kind." He said it so enthusiastically that I laughed. He offered me half, but I declined. Edward just shrugged, folded the piece of gum and popped it into his mouth, chewing happily.

Mrs. Carmichael was leaving too. She said goodbye and then said, in the worst stage-whisper of all time, "You better hold on to this one, Bella. They didn't make them like that when I was your age!" And then that saucy 78 year old woman winked at him. She better watch herself, I realized that when it came to Edward, I wasn't above knocking an old lady to the ground.

We folded the last item of clothes and stood, side by side, surveying the extremely tidy pile.

He cleared his throat and said, "That has to be the neatest, best folded laundry in the history of time."

I laughed at his dramatic statement. It should be perfect, we spent half an hour folding 15 things.

I still wasn't ready to leave. Actually, I was ready to leave the laundromat, just not Edward.

He took the world's neatest laundry and carefully placed it at the top of my bag. Then he picked the bag up. Evidently he would be carrying it, which seemed like a very good sign to me.

"Would you like to get some coffee?" I wasn't sure I wanted to invite him into my apartment yet - even if he did visit my balcony already. This night was about beginnings - and I wanted it to be right.

"I would love to get some coffee. On one condition."

"What's that?" I said it too eagerly. He could probably tell from my voice that I would agree to whatever he proposed. I was relieved that he couldn't hear my thoughts, because the quick visual that ran through my brain of exactly what I would be willing to do for this man bordered on obscene (actually, it didn't border there - it had a pretty big residence in the middle of town).

"It's my treat. I don't want you to even touch your purse, okay?" The look he gave me showed concern, as if he somehow knew I didn't have the funds to just spend a night hanging out. I might have been pissed by the look if there wasn't something behind it - something that looked like he would love to change that for me - like it would please him to no end to take care of me.

I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. I couldn't answer so I just nodded my agreement.

As we headed to the door I buttoned my coat and pulled my gloves and scarf on. Edward didn't make any move to close his coat.

The cold rush of air outside took my breath away. It was colder than when I left work. I shivered, grateful that the coffee shop was so close. Edward looked perfectly comfortable as he effortlessly hoisted my bag up over his shoulder. He noticed my discomfort and moved to walk slightly in front of me, to block a bit of the frigid air.

The wind blew back towards me, and I was overwhelmed with the most wonderful smell. It was like freshness and life and spring. I didn't notice it inside, there were too many other smells - detergents and bleach and fabric softener.

It was Edward. It was the smell of the feather in my apartment. I knew that smell, I'd breathed it in for days. I took a few quick steps closer, so I was right behind him. I breathed deeply. He was mouthwatering.

It was Edward. That lovely, magical scent of spring perfection, it wasn't just the feather - it was Edward.


	4. Copious Coffee and Confessions

_If anyone hangs out over at Twilighted - I have started a thread for this story (under the AU heading). I would love it if you popped over to chat with me about it. Many thanks to Anne Cullen for making a lovely banner for this story._

_Thanks for all of your encouraging reviews. This chapter is quite long and chock full of stuff - I hope you will enjoy. Sorry for the wait - but I wanted it to be right._

_Twilight and it's related storylines and characters are the creation of Stephenie Meyer. No infringement intended. _

Copious Coffee and Confessions

(Bella)

I was completely stunned by this new revelation about Edward. His smell dazed me completely. How did the feather smell just like him. It was probably his cologne, but what did he do - douse the feather with it? That seemed a bit over the top. Even if he did come off as a chivalrous gentlemen, I couldn't picture him going to those lengths. But how did they smell the same? And why hadn't he mentioned that night or the feather? I knew that he saw me, yet he was acting like the library was our only encounter.

We reached the coffee shop in moments. I loved this place from the first time I visited. I didn't visit often, overpriced lattes weren't really in my budget. It was a cozy place, with low lights and funky furniture - mismatched tables and chairs and quiet nooks where you could have an intimate talk with someone you wanted to know better. I was hoping it wouldn't be too crowded. I wanted the chance to sit with him and talk. I looked around. There were several people, but to my relief there were two seats near a low table back in the corner. Edward followed my eyes and nodded, he handed me the bag of freshly laundered clothes.

"Why don't you grab those chairs and I'll grab the drinks. What would you like?" He tilted his head slightly, as if what I had to tell him was incredibly important - not just a coffee order.

"Uhm, I'll just take a black decaf." He might have been sweet enough to offer to pay, but I wasn't going to take advantage of his generosity.

He frowned at me.

"Bella, is that really all you want? Did you even have dinner?" His words were laced with concern.

"I'm fine, that's all I want, really."

I turned away and headed for the chairs. All of this attention was not going to be easy to get used to. I wasn't accustomed to people watching out for me, and now with Mike and Esme and Edward - I felt disoriented by their care.

I sat in the chair facing the corner. I put the bag down at my feet and breathed in the smell of coffee. It was a good, comforting smell. I would have traded it to be outside where I could smell Edward , untainted.

I really needed to get a hold of myself.

When Edward reached the table I let out an audible gasp. He was carrying two drink trays, containing a total of 8 coffees. He also held 2 brown paper bags that were bulging slightly with their contents. He carefully placed everything on the table in front of us. I found my coffee quickly, it was the only decaf.

"You weren't very forthcoming about what you like, so I hope I did alright. I got some muffins and cookies. Help yourself. I hate to think that you are skipping dinner because you are here with me."

He said this as he started pulling items from the bags. Okay - that explained the food, but what on earth was with all the coffee.

"Are you going to drink all of that?" My tone was disbelieving. I hoped he hadn't bought them for me, I didn't do real well with caffeine, especially at night.

"Yeah, I guess. I was hoping we might talk for a while, and I'm always thirsty. It seemed easier than having to get up to get more." He said this matter-of-factly, although why he would be that thirsty was a question running through my mind.

"And all that caffeine isn't going to bother you?"

"No."

In the interest of being polite I didn't question him further. In my mind I pictured him after the seventh coffee, talking a mile a minute in a burst of manic energy. Better him than me I guess.

I did help myself to a pumpkin muffin, secretly grateful that he was so thoughtful. I was starving, and he was right - I was skipping dinner to be with him.

"Mmm, you should try one of these. It's really good. Thanks for the food, and the coffee. I appreciate it."

He smiled. He looked almost proud to have pleased me so much.

He wasn't kidding about being thirsty. We sat quietly while I nibbled the food and took sips of the coffee. It was scalding, and even though I liked my coffee very hot, this was a bit like lava. The heat of it didn't seem to phase him at all. He was nearly done with a second cup before I was halfway done with mine.

"Are you interested in birds, Edward?"

I couldn't stand it any longer. We were in our own private little corner here. It was intimate and the mood between us changed. I wanted him to acknowledge the feather, the way he snatched the scrap of paper. I wanted him to know how much the words written on that scrap meant to me. I wanted to know why he was on the steps of the library barefoot. I wanted to start chipping away at the mystery.

The look I had seen on his face at the library had returned. It was a look of sorrow and deep rooted sadness.

"Occasionally I take an interest in birds." A bit of a smirk appeared on his face. He didn't elaborate.

I stared at him. I wondered if I just sat there and looked at him if he would just admit what happened. He just stared back. It felt like the air around me was growing thick under his gaze. He was playing the same game I was - but he seemed to be hoping I would simply back down, let it go.

That wasn't going to happen.

But I did look away first. I couldn't stare at his face and remember what I wanted him to answer. The more I stared at him, the less the answers seemed to matter. I looked away. I knew deep down that the answers were too important to just give up on, so I looked away.

I took another sip of my coffee as I tried to gather my thoughts. He was drinking more as well. His third cup of coffee was cradled in his hand.

I stared at my cup. Minutes passed and neither of us said anything.

"I'm sorry."

My head snapped up when he started talking.

That sadness was on his face again, in fact, it was all over his body. He looked like he was in physical pain, his body tense and rigid.

"Yes, Bella. I saw you on your balcony. I left the feather for you. I know you want more of an answer than that, but that is the best I can do right now."

"What were you doing on the street? How did you know where I lived? How did you grab that little scrap of paper out of the air?" I wanted to keep going. I wanted to just keep bombarding him with questions until he answered something. Instead I closed my mouth and waited.

He leaned forward in his chair, towards me. He ran a hand through his hair, further tangling his bronze tresses.

"There are so many things I want to say. I just can't … I didn't think…this has never happened before."

He fumbled for words. He looked down at the table, shifted uncomfortably in his chair. I was about to speak but he started up again.

"I've never felt like this, Bella. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do." He met my eyes then.

I didn't understand what he was talking about.

He sat back against the chair and leaned his head back on his neck. His hand went to his hair again, ripping through it roughly. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took several deep breaths. I didn't know what to do. Earlier the mood had been so light, we were awkward and sweet - but now there was an undercurrent running between us that scared me. I obsessed over him for days and secretly hoped that somehow he noticed me, that he felt a millionth of the attraction I was feeling. Those were the things I wished, yet as I sat here across from him as he battled some strange inner conflict that I couldn't decipher, I reminded myself to be careful what you wish.

I didn't think he was obsessed over me the way I hoped - and I realized with a chill that I didn't know what he was at all.

A slight drop of dread touched me as I realized that I didn't care. I wanted him, no matter what this was between us. I wanted the sweetness we shared earlier, and I wanted this tortured creature in front of me now.

When he regained control, he reached forward and downed more coffee.

He looked at me when he put it down. He stared into my eyes, the sparkling green pools reflecting back at me were inviting. I could feel my breathing picking up and was embarrassed by the ways my body was betraying me. He still looked polluted by the sadness, but as his eyes slid down to my lips, and then lower - the sadness mingled with a look of longing and need. He suddenly looked far less innocent than when he had been blushing while holding my underwear.

"Have you ever had to do something you didn't want to Bella? Have you ever had something set before you, that you couldn't say no to - but you couldn't imagine how you possibly could say yes either?"

I had been in that situation, actually. More times than I cared to remember. My life always seemed to be full of things I would have preferred to just run away from, but couldn't.

There was something off about our conversation. Something seemed lost in translation but we were speaking the same language. He seemed to be trying to convince himself of something, and I didn't have an earthly idea what it could be.

"Edward, I don't understand." He looked like he was going to speak, so I raised my finger to silence him, to allow me a moment to get my thoughts out. "I don't understand any of this. I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing." I blushed at this admission of my innocence. "I do know that this just doesn't happen. This is real life, not a fairy tale. People don't pass on the street and realize they're soul mates. You seem really nice, but you need to trust me a little bit. I can't figure out what we should do next if I can't even understand where we are."

I could feel my cheeks flaming. I said more than I intended, but somehow the words kept coming.

"I trust you." He said the words with conviction. They felt true.

"If you trust me then talk to me. Tell me what is upsetting you."

He started sipping his drink again, and my confusion turned to anger. The man was beautiful in ways that shouldn't be allowed by nature, but at this moment he was frustrating me beyond belief. How could one person be that thirsty? How could they drink so much and not have to pee? How could he follow me, invade my dreams, flood me with hope - yet not trust me enough to answer a few questions?

My anger must have been evident because Edward was giving me that smirk again.

"It's not a matter of trust Bella. It's a matter of belief. There are things about me that you couldn't understand, things you were never meant to have any knowledge of. It was a mistake to get so close to you. You fascinate me. I thought if I was near you, I could satisfy the part of me that wanted more. But it's not working, it's making it worse."

Mistake? How was this a mistake? We were talking and having coffee. He helped me fold some laundry. Where was the big mistake?

"Look, there are a lot of things you probably wouldn't understand about me either. I am willing to see what happens, though. You're acting like being near me is making you sick - and if that's the case, I'll just go."

He didn't reply. He looked angry, but he made no move to stop me as I grabbed my coat and the bag of laundry. I could already feel tears beginning to pool in my eyes. I had to be clear of the coffee shop before I let them spill over. He wouldn't see me cry.

The cold air outside was good for me. It helped me to clear my head slightly. I walked as fast as I could for two blocks before giving in to the tears. I leaned my back against the cold stone of a building and let them come. I was freezing. I wondered if I stood like this long enough if I would freeze to the building. The tears on my cheeks would freeze into little crystals and I would become nothing more than a statue. I wasn't much more than that right now anyway.

I tried to understand what I was really so upset about. I didn't really know Edward. He was gorgeous and seemed really sweet and thoughtful. Those were all nice things, but what about the other parts. I couldn't deny that there was another side to things that was decidedly darker.

I knew he and his friends didn't have shoes on when I first saw them. That might seem like a silly detail of little importance - but it wasn't normal. He was outside my apartment in the middle of the night, was up on my balcony while I was sleeping. That straddled the line of amazing and creepy. And what was with all the coffee? He gave a whole new meaning to the concept of having a drinking problem.

I should be glad that he just let me walk away. I didn't need to get involved in something complicated. If I was worried about my fragile wings, then I needed something easy. I certainly didn't need to dwell on someone that said spending time with me was a mistake.

I wiped me face on my sleeve and pushed away from the cold building. My joints were stiff with cold. I would need to take a hot shower when I got home. I vowed to take the hottest one I could stand, and let thoughts of Edward run down the drain at the same time.

I was about to reach for my bag when a hand reached out and picked it up. Edward tossed the bag over his shoulder and then leaned closer to me. He invaded my space completely, causing me to back up against the wall once again. His body was so near, there was barely a breath between us.

I couldn't breathe anything that wasn't him. His enticing scent swirled in the air around me and his eyes were intense, almost luminous in the dark. This couldn't be a mistake. He couldn't make me believe it was.

The way he made me feel was dangerous. Every bad thing I thought a moment ago faded away. All I wanted was to be near him. I wanted to smell him, to hear his velvet voice, to drown in his eyes.

He lifted his hand and brushed a tear off of my cheek that I left behind. His hands were warm. Even though he barely brushed the tips of his fingers over my skin, I felt like the warmth of his touch was spreading over me. Even as a particularly harsh gust of wind buffeted my body, I felt like I was being wrapped in a toasty blanket - one that had been warmed near a fire.

I wanted him to touch me again.

He stepped back, giving me space I didn't want. The warmth pulled away from me, just as he did.

"May I walk you home?" He was the shy gentleman again.

I couldn't keep pace with his shifting moods. Brooding and sullen to heart meltingly sweet in 2.0 seconds.

I craved his company too much to decline. I nodded and started walking.

Whatever this was, whatever his intentions were, whatever demons he was facing - I was in. My commitment was irrevocable. I should be scared, or angry. I should wonder why his presence caused me to respond irrationally. I should be all of those things, but in the back of my mind, replaying over and over again - I told myself that it didn't matter.

He walked next to me, maintaining a cautious distance.

I knew I should be angry with myself. All it took was one moment in his presence for any resolve I was forming to crumble. Unfortunately, nothing mattered to me except that he was walking with me - that he came to me in spite of whatever else was going on.

We didn't speak as we walked. It was too windy and frigid to do more than just keep moving. My whole body was aching with the cold. I wanted warm pajamas and a warm bed. I wanted a hot shower. I wanted Edward to touch me again, for that incredible sunshine warmth to rush over me.

We reached my building and I contemplated what I should do. I wanted him to come up with me. I wanted to talk to him, to try to make sense of what he was trying to say in the coffee shop. I studied his face. His forehead was creased with his thoughts, and he looked torn as well - as if he wanted me to invite him up, but hoped I wouldn't at the same time. That struggle that I couldn't comprehend seemed to be raging once again.

"I was wondering if you wanted to come up? I feel like maybe we need to figure some things out."

He flashed that grin that I had already claimed as mine. He held the door for me and then followed behind me up the stairs.

Once we were inside I felt incredibly nervous. I hadn't had anyone besides the movers in this apartment. Not another soul, and certainly not a guy who closely embodied my idea of male perfection.

He hung his jacket on the back of a chair and sat at my little table.

"Would you like something to eat or drink?" It felt like the polite thing to ask, but I couldn't imagine him having room for any more liquid. His insides were probably swimming already.

I was surprised when he asked for a glass of water.

"I get dehydrated easily. It helps if I keep drinking." I filled a glass at the tap and set it in front of him.

I settled myself in the chair across from him. I turned on one small light, and compared to the arctic blast outside - my apartment felt cozy tonight. I could feel some of the tension of the night melting away. I was still frozen from the walk, but it felt better to be inside.

He picked up the glass and I focused on his perfect hands. It amazed me that he didn't seem to have a single flawed feature. There was not a hangnail or cuticle out of place on those long fingers.

"I didn't mean to hurt you before. I want to be with you, Bella. I want to get to know you and make you smile. I want you to be happy. When I'm near you, I feel like I'm waking up. I feel like there are things before me that I never knew existed. It scares me because don't think I can be what you need me to be."

"What do you think I need you to be? I barely know you. I'd like to get to know you better - but it's not like I'm expecting you to save me from anything."

He gave me a sidelong glance, which told me he knew I was hoping someone would save me.

"The truth is that I have never been selfish before you, Bella. I have always done what needed to be done. But I saw you, and I have to be near you, even though it will probably make things hard later, I have to be close. Your pull is stronger than gravity."

He looked up at me through his lashes. Those green eyes made everything fuzzy.

"Maybe I'm glad you're being selfish. I want to be with you. I haven't thought about much else in days."

Again my cheeks were turning red.

"I hate that I made you cry."

"Why did you say that things between us don't have to do with trust - that they have to do with belief? Aren't they almost the same thing? You wrote that on the paper - 'just believe' - but I don't know what you want me to believe."

"Well, I guess in my mind there is a fine distinction. You obviously trust me enough to invite me into your home, but would you believe me if I told you that I was a vampire that preyed on young women who lived alone?"

I laughed out loud. That was ridiculous.

"No, sorry - I don't think I would believe that."

It was his turn to laugh then. When he met my eyes again they seemed lighter.

"You aren't are you?" I had to ask.

"No. No I'm not. However I think I've proved my point. Trust and belief aren't always the same."

I remembered his words about having to do things you didn't want to, about not having choices.

I found myself shifting in my seat. The cheap metal chair was becoming uncomfortable. I glanced at the clock and was surprised to see that it was nearly midnight. There was definitely something about this guy that impaired my judgment. I probably shouldn't have invited him up here this late. But he was right, I did trust him.

I rolled my neck on my shoulders, trying to get more comfortable. Edward noticed and gestured to the small couch.

"Would you be more comfortable over there? I didn't realize it was so late."

"I didn't either. The couch sounds good to me."

We settled on the couch. He picked up the fleece blanket that was hanging on the arm and gently tucked it around me.

He angled his body toward me, but seemed careful not to touch me. He folded his hands in his lap. He looked completely out of place on my shabby little couch. It was like someone hanging the Mona Lisa in a restroom, unfathomable.

"I would love to know what you're thinking about. You've been pretty quiet since the coffee shop. I am sorry for upsetting you. I know I already apologized but I feel like I need to again."

"I was thinking about what you said earlier. I've had to do a lot of things I didn't want to. Sometimes I feel like that is the story of my life. Meeting you has sort of rocked me back on my heels a bit. It's like someone handed me this gift, filled with promise, and I'm afraid to open it because I don't deserve it."

"Bella, you can't look at things that way. Maybe you need to believe that you deserve some happiness."

Just believe.

"You're a good listener. Jake was like that."

The name slipped out so quickly. There was no time to stop it. I couldn't believe that now, after all that had happened, his name would fly out of my mouth. I was right to believe I didn't deserve happiness.

"Jake?" His eyes narrowed slightly. He didn't look jealous or surprised. He looked sincerely interested.

The only people that knew the details of Jacob's accident were his family, the police and myself. That horrible accident had been like the cherry on top of the crap sundae that was my life.

Something deep down was urging me to tell Edward. I wasn't sure if we were on a first date or what this was - but I was pretty certain that divulging the details of Jacob's accident would be bad etiquette.

That was when my heart took control and whispered to my brain to just believe. I needed to believe that Edward would understand what had happened, what had driven me so far from home.

I needed to believe it because I lied earlier. I was looking for someone to save me and Edward knew it.

I swallowed and took a shaky breath. I focused all of my attention on a piece of fuzz stuck on the carpet. I couldn't get through this if I looked at him.

"By the time I was twelve, both of my parents were gone. I didn't have any other family so I went to live with the Blacks. Billy Black was my parents' oldest friend and like an uncle to me. He had been raising his daughters and son on his own. Their house was small and crowded but it was the closest thing I had to family and I felt safe there. Jacob Black was a year younger than me. We had always been friends and that was one of the things I liked best about being there - having my best friend. Things started to change as we got older. I still thought of Jacob as a friend, but he started thinking of me differently. He kept asking and I kept saying no. One day we had a bigger argument than usual. He was angry and flew off the handle - and then he was gone, just like everyone else that I loved."

I was surprised by how flat and emotionless my voice was. As if I were only recounting some meaningless facts, not explaining the death of a friend.

"It wasn't your fault that he died."

I tore my attention from the carpet to look at his face. He said that with such conviction but he didn't know what really happened. It had been my fault. I let out a bitter laugh.

"It was my fault."

This was the part of the story I hated. This was the part that so few others knew. I could feel my eyes welling with tears for a second time. I told Edward the rest as tears rolled down my cheeks. My voice, flat before, was now laden with the sadness welling up from my heart.

"Jake loved to fix things. He was a genius at it really. He could fix anything. He had found two old motorcycles and repaired them. He taught me to ride - and it was one of our favorite things to do together. I was always unsteady but he was patient."

I paused for a moment. I needed to breathe. Edward had moved a bit closer and for some reason this comforted me, gave me strength.

"That day he asked me to go for a ride. He already loaded the bikes into the back of our old truck. I didn't really want to go. He used every time we were alone as an opportunity to hound me about the two of us getting together. I didn't feel like fighting that day, but I still wound up agreeing to go. We were still on our road and he was already starting in about how he knew I was in love with him but just too stubborn to see it. By the time we reached the trails at the edge of the woods we were screaming at each other. We decided that we would still ride. I wanted to feel the wind, to let it blow the whole mess away. Plus I knew that he couldn't argue with me while I was on my bike."

My throat burned. It was raw and scratchy and I was tired and very near the edge of losing it completely. I couldn't stop now, though. I felt like I had a big bucket in front of me that I was trying to empty, and I could almost see the bottom. I needed to get it out. I needed someone here to know.

"I didn't have my helmet. I was worked up and I wanted to ride but my helmet was back in the garage. Jake let me have his. He leaned down to put it on me and that was when he decided to try and kiss me. I pushed him away and then I slapped him. I know it didn't hurt him physically but I could tell that it had really hurt his pride. He really believed that it was just a matter of time before we were together. When I pushed him away like that he realized that I was serious and I felt like I watched his heart break right there in front of me. I took his helmet and pushed it down onto my head. I hopped onto my bike."

My voice was barely a whisper now. There were still tears. Edward carefully patted my leg through the blanket, urging me to continue.

"Jacob sped by me. He was being completely reckless. I had never seen him that way and I realized that I pushed him too far. All the stuff between us had gone on for too long. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep pace with him but I went faster than I normally did. I felt like I needed to keep him in my sights. About a mile in the trail was rougher. My bike was getting bounced around pretty good and I knew I would have to slow down. I lost control and fell hard into a rocky area at the side of the trail. My jeans were ripped and I had several long gashes up my leg. I wasn't bleeding too badly and I sat for a minute trying to decide what to do. Jacob had pulled way ahead by the time I reached this stretch, so I didn't expect him to be much help. I was trying to pull myself up when I heard him approaching. He must have decided to circle back so we could ride together. He never left me behind before. He was going too fast. Just as he was about to pass me I saw him turn his head. He caught sight of me on the ground."

"I'm not sure what happened then. I don't know if he was just going too fast or if he tried to brake too quickly or if his tire hit something. One second he was there and the next he was slumped up at the foot of a huge oak tree. His head definitely hit the tree. There was blood, so much blood - and his arm was bent out at this weird angle."

I started sobbing uncontrollably. He knew the important parts. I pushed Jacob too far. I had his helmet. I was clumsy and couldn't keep up, so Jacob came back for me. I had never been able to determine if it was because of one of those things or all of them - not that it really mattered, because Jacob was still gone either way. Jacob was gone and it was my fault.

Edward pulled me into his arms. I was too exhausted to resist. I rested my head on his chest and he ran his hand gently over my hair. I couldn't be sure but it sounded like he was humming softly to me, the way you would to a fussy baby. It was like a lullaby.

He was so warm. His scent washed over me like a soothing balm. With my face pressed up against his chest his smell was even more concentrated. I could feel myself floating off into a peaceful oblivion.

Right before I slipped into sleep I realized that Edward made me feel whole. When I was next to him I didn't feel alone or afraid, I felt good. He ran his hand down my hair once again, and I felt whole. Not repaired or fixed but never broken in the first place.

I woke in the morning completely disoriented. I was sleep drunk after the soundest night of rest in my life. The fleece blanket was still tucked around me and I was curled up on my couch. The events of the night began to filter back into my brain and I sat up in a rush, wondering if Edward was still in my apartment. I scanned the room but didn't see him anywhere. I was going to get up and check but when I sat up I noticed a plate and a note on the table near the couch. The cookies and muffins from the coffee shop were on a plate, carefully wrapped so they would stay fresh.

I smiled as I read the note. He wished me a good morning and told me to be sure I had a muffin for breakfast. He wrote that I was beautiful and peaceful when I slept and that he would see me later. When I recalled how I turned into a basket case at the end of the night, I was grateful that he still wanted to see me.

I took a muffin and walked into my microscopic kitchen. The glass that Edward had been drinking from was in the sink. I filled it with some milk and ate my breakfast.

I thought about Jacob. I wondered why that story had spilled out last night. I realized, with a bit of shock, that thinking of Jake didn't feel painful this morning. For the first time ever, thinking of him simply made me remember how much I cared for him. I still missed him, I still wished he wasn't gone - but that mountain of guilt that buried me for so long was missing, and I felt lighter for it.

(Edward)

I was sitting in the branches near the top of the tallest pine tree that bordered the lake. I came here often. It was serene and usually devoid of people.

An eagle swooped down and grabbed up a silver fish. It brought Bella's comments about being interested in birds to the front of my mind.

She fascinated me. The things she noticed. The things she chose to confess to me. The way it made me feel to be so close to her body. Everything was new and I was frightened by the mistakes I was making in her presence.

Her sadness as she told me about Jacob pierced my heart. I realized it was something she needed to tell me. I didn't comprehend how hard it would be to hear.

I already knew about Jacob. I knew what happened the day of his accident. I knew all there was to know about Isabella Marie Swan.

Even though I knew the story already, hearing it from her lips was agonizing.

Worse still was that I knew the details she left out. That she lost her cell phone when she fell and couldn't find it to call for help. That she knelt near Jacob, unnaturally calm from shock, and administered CPR for many minutes before she realized it was a lost cause. I knew that she ran back to get the truck - that she used every ounce of strength she had to hoist his lifeless weight into the vehicle.

I saw her standing on the edge of a cliff a week later, staring into the ocean so far below. She flung herself out into the open air with complete abandon - hoping for death but clinging to life. I knew that by the time she reached the shore she vowed to never act so foolishly again.

What I didn't know about Bella was that meeting her would completely alter my existence. My reality had been completely rearranged from the moment I first saw her in the library.

I watched her as she worked, so careful to avoid notice, so careful to keep to herself. I waited on the steps for her to leave that night.

I wanted her to see me. I wanted her to notice me, to want me. I wanted her to trust me and to smile for me.

That is exactly what happened.

I got exactly what I wanted, but it was wrong. It was all horribly wrong.

Angels sometimes mixed with humans. That wasn't the root of my wickedness.

It was wrong because Bella needed saving. I had lied to her about trust, I had lied to her about happiness.

I wanted those things. I wanted her trust. I wanted to make her happy.

There were others of my kind that could do this. If I were a Guardian, it might be possible. I was not. I was an Angel of Justice. It was my job to be sure that the scales were kept close to even. It was my calling to keep things in balance, for the sake of eternity.

The task set before me was to take the life of Isabella Swan.

I wrapped my wings around me loosely, hoping for a moment of comfort. Her face appeared behind my eyes. The memory of the luxurious weight of her body leaning into mine made me shudder.

I knew with every fiber of my being that I could not harm this girl. I knew with equal certainty that I didn't have a choice.

My wings made no sound as I glided out of the tree and touched my feet down at the edge of the lake. I knelt at the shore and lowered my lips to the shimmering water. I drank deeply and relished the feel of the icy water as it settled in my stomach. I needed more liquid each day that I stayed on this side. If I didn't do something about Bella soon, we would both suffer dire consequences.

The concept of justice had always been so easy for me. There had never been an area that was gray before. There had never been a reason to question.

Suddenly, after hearing Bella sigh my name in her sleep, all I had were questions. Suddenly the price of balance seemed impossible to pay.


	5. Falling

_Disclaimer - Stephenie Meyer is the creator of all things Twilight. No infringement intended. _

_Say "hi" over at Twilighteddotnet on the thread for this story. Thanks to all who have reviewed. I can't express my gratitude enough. Thanks to my west coast chicky for encouraging me to write again!_

Falling

(Bella)

My day was passing in a blur. I felt so alive today. It was strange. Since I moved here it felt like I couldn't get enough sun. I felt vitamin D deprived, limp, pale and cold. Today I felt like there was some internal energy surge that was keeping me going.

I whistled as I walked to work. The tune Edward had hummed to calm me seemed ingrained in my brain. It was haunting and beautiful and strangely familiar. I recalled the way it felt to be pressed close to him as he comforted me and my arms broke out in goose bumps as my stomach fluttered.

In his note he wrote that he would see me later. I realized that I had no idea how to get in touch with him. I didn't have his number, didn't know where he lived or worked. We talked a lot but I seemed to have very little in terms of details about his life. He knew much more about me. He was good at asking questions and then settling back to listen to my long drawn out answers. He really was an amazing listener, better than Jacob, even.

When I reached work I stowed my bag in the break room. I brought a change of clothes so that I could get ready to go out with Mike without having to return home. I secretly hoped that Edward would show up as I was leaving the library, and that he would join us. Mike had insisted we were going as friends, certainly one more person wouldn't be a problem. I crossed my fingers and hoped that he would appear in that mysterious way of his. I packed an outfit that was far different than what I was originally planning. I had little in the way of dress-up clothes, but I did have a great pair of dark jeans and a shimmery blue top that was snug in all the right places. My lone pair of heels would bring it all together. For the first time since Mike asked me to join him I was actually excited.

Esme commented on my light mood as I stacked another cart of returns. I knew that she thought I had some secret crush on Mike. That wasn't true, she knew I didn't have feelings for Mike - she just hoped that somehow I was actually turning into a "normal" girl, looking forward to the things "normal" girls my age would. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was simply happy because I hoped that any minute the most perfect man in the world was going to walk through the door and sweep me away.

I grabbed my things and locked myself in the bathroom. Mike agreed to meet me at the front door in ten minutes. I pulled off my work clothes and changed. I looked in the mirror and wished that I had brought a barrette or clip for my hair. I brushed it and tucked one side behind my ear, letting the other side flow over my shoulder. I splashed my face with some water and took out my meager bag of make-up supplies. I slicked on a bit of strawberry gloss, a hint of blush and some brown liner to accentuate my dark eyes. The reflection staring back at me was surprising. The girl was glowing - beautiful, even. She looked lit up inside. I let out a shaky breath. That was me. I felt lit up inside. I felt like I was falling in love.

I met Mike at the door. His complete double take and mouth-open stare when I came around the corner did not escape my notice. A pang of guilt pierced me then, because none of this was for his benefit. It was all for Edward. Mike didn't know that though, and I couldn't come up with a polite way of saying so. When we stepped outside I scanned the street for Edward. He wasn't there. Even though I stalled and took my time heading down the steps, he didn't show up. Disappointment raged through me and I realized how firmly I pinned my hopes on Edward being with me tonight.

My mood shifted quickly. I knew I couldn't just blow Mike off, but I no longer felt like spending the evening out. I hoped that I could simply make an appearance and then take off once Mike and his friends started talking.

That would have been a fine plan if it weren't for the fact that when we arrived at the restaurant we were ushered to a cozy and intimate table for two.

We sat and were left alone with our menus. I didn't open mine, I just looked over at Mike, trying to decide how furious I should be. He didn't meet my gaze, he hid like a coward behind his menu.

"Mike, I don't understand what's happening here. You said we were meeting your friends here. We agreed this wasn't a date, right? Because this is starting to look like a date to me."

When he lowered his menu, he looked like a little boy who had been punished for stealing cookies before dinner. I almost felt sorry for him - almost.

"Bella, I've been trying to figure out a way to ask you on a date for weeks. I knew you would say no and then I thought it might be weird between us, so I never did. Then I thought that if we just went out with some of my friends you might see that we could go out and have a good time together. I still didn't think you would say yes, but you did. I never asked any of my friends to come out, even after you talked to me about how this wasn't a date. Esme said you've been happier lately, and she thought maybe you were excited about us going out - that maybe you did have some sort of feelings for me."

Esme was trying my patience with her over helpfulness.

"I'm sorry. When you walked out to meet me tonight, you looked so amazing. I let myself believe for a second that Esme was right."

"Mike..," I wanted to explain to him that I liked him as a friend, almost like a brother. I didn't have the chance because he cut me off as soon as I started speaking.

"Please, Bella. It's fine. I saw the look on your face when they brought us to this table. I realize you were serious about this not being a date. I feel like a world class idiot."

That pleasant exchange started our evening. The rest of dinner was awkward, just as Mike predicted. It was like we were stuck in the wrong gear and couldn't find a way to get out of it. We laughed a little, but it was forced. Conversation was sporadic and benign. The hour we spent at the restaurant felt like five. The only time Mike seemed at ease at all was when I mentioned that Jessica, the waitress in the little café next to the library, was interested in him.

"Are you blind, Mike? Why do you think she stops in at the library so often. She's hoping to catch a peek of you. She's cute too."

Mike seemed pleased by this new bit of knowledge and I wondered if we might be able to go back to our normal friendly ways after all.

I was never more relieved to have a waiter arrive with the check. For all of Esme's urging that I get out and enjoy being nineteen - I realized that for me, a night at home with a book and a bath was more enjoyable than society any day.

We left the restaurant and there was another awkward moment. I wanted to just walk home by myself. Mike offered to get a cab.

Cue the white knight, ladies and gentlemen. At that moment, Edward crossed the street and greeted me with his incapacitating smile. I had no idea how he managed to show up the way he did, at exactly the right moment and exactly the right place. Right now I wasn't going to look the gift horse in the mouth, I was just going to head off into the sunset with him.

"Hello Bella. Are you going home, now?"

The awkwardness increased tenfold. Edward gave me another warm smile and then turned an icy stare on Mike that looked positively malicious. I had never seen him look anything other than desirable and breathtaking - but the way he was looking at Mike was beauty laced with danger. Oh how I wanted him.

Mike looked down, away from me. I though he might just shrink away into the night, but he surprised me. He took a deep breath and then met Edward's eye.

"Yes, Bella, are you going home now? It looks like you have an escort already, so I can save myself the trouble."

"Mike, this is my friend Edward." I felt like I was defusing a bomb, best to handle the situation delicately.

"Hey." This was Mike's attempt at introductions. I shot Edward a quick look, silently imploring him to play nice.

"Mike." This was Edward's reply. The way he said it made Mike's name sound like a dirty word.

Edward might be different than any other guy I had ever met but he certainly had the male posturing thing down.

Mike said goodnight and hopped into a cab. He didn't give me a second look. I could tell that he felt hurt, especially by how the evening ended. I knew that I made it sound like I wasn't interested in dating anyone. So how was I supposed to explain Edward?

"How do you do that?" I asked, when the cab was out of sight.

"Do what?"

"How do you always seem to know where I am? If I didn't like you so much I might think it was creepy."

He placed his hand gently at the small of my back, pushing me slightly so that we began the walk back to my apartment. Even through the fabric of my coat and shirt, even though his touch was feather light, my body still reacted. I craved him in ways that were exciting and frightening all at once.

"I can sense where you are."

I almost laughed. He said this so matter-of-factly, as is he were describing the weather. I thought that he must be joking but his face was completely serious.

"Okay." My brilliant response hung in the air between us.

His response unnerved me. "I told you there were things you wouldn't understand. I don't like dealing in secrets and untruths Bella, so if you can't handle my answers, then you just shouldn't ask."

"I was thinking today about the fact that I know so little about you. We always seem to wind up talking about me."

"I like listening to you talk."

I smiled. The things he said rang with such sincerity that they pierced me.

"But I want to know more about you."

"What do you want to know? I'll tell you what I can, just remember that you might not always like my answers."

I decided to stick to topics that would be easy to answer. He was right, I wasn't sure I was ready to hear anymore of his Jedi secrets about being able to feel my presence.

"Where do you live? Where do you work?" Simple questions with simple answers, hopefully.

"I have an apartment that I share with some friends. It's over on Seventh, about three blocks away from your place. It's old, but spacious. None of us have a lot of stuff, so it's pretty uncluttered. I work for my father. He has business all over the world, and I go wherever he needs me to be. I guess you could call it public relations."

I knew that he said more words after telling me about sharing an apartment with friends. I was still stuck on that statement. I immediately imagined two long legged blonde bombshells walking around their "uncluttered" apartment in their tiny pjs, fighting over who would get to tuck Edward in that night. Then I imagined something even worse, the same blonde beauties, getting to witness what Edward looked like after getting out of the shower, his hair wet and tousled, skin - pink and warm, towel low on his hips. No, this was not acceptable.

"Uhm, so who are these friends that you share your apartment with?" I tried to make the question sound casual. I was sure I failed.

He looked at me quickly, as if he guessed why I was asking.

"I share the apartment with Alice and Jasper. They are very old friends and the most committed couple in the history of time. They work for my father, too."

I knew he heard the sigh of relief that escaped my lips.

"Mike is a friend that I work with at the library. He isn't a bad guy. He's just a friend."

I had suddenly felt it was necessary to clarify my relationship with Mike. Edward looked relieved, and I wondered if I wasn't the only one who felt a little jealous. The thought cheered me.

"Was there anything else you wanted to know?"

"I was wondering if you had a phone number? I'm not very skilled at feeling your presence, so it might be easier for me if I could just call you." This wasn't completely true. When he was near me I felt his presence like a force of nature.

His clear laugh echoed off the concrete buildings.

"You're quite adorable when you're mocking me, do you know that?"

"Adorable?"

"Yes. And yes I will give you my phone number."

We had reached my apartment. The time had flown by so quickly. It was a stark contrast to the never ending hour that I had been out with Mike.

It was still early. I toyed with the idea of asking Edward to come up. I wanted to. I also knew that last night I had been extremely emotional and foolish in the way I had chosen to bare my soul before him. Somehow, despite the fact that there were so many mysteries wrapped up in this man, he broke down every barrier I had carefully constructed for myself. All he had to do was be close to me, that was all it took. I didn't want to have secret from him, I wanted him to know me the way no one else did.

For that reason, I knew I needed to proceed with caution.

It was snowing again. I hadn't even realized it. I was caught up in our conversation and missed the white flakes falling to the ground. Edward's cheeks were still the healthy shade of pink that they always were. The cold didn't seem to effect him at all. I considered asking but decided that I could probably only handle one major revelation a day.

There were snowflakes in his hair. I wanted to reach up and swipe them away. I wanted to tangle my fingers in his hair. I just wanted to touch him.

Instead I balled my hand into a fist and shoved it into my coat pocket. If I touched him, I would invite him up. If I invited him up, I would start spouting out more of my secrets. If I did that, Edward was going to realize how damaged I was and I would never see him again.

I could not touch him.

We stood outside my building. Our breath frosted in the winter air.

His green eyes were analyzing my face. I wondered if he saw my desire etched there. It felt like he could.

"I'm sorry about last night. I don't usually talk about Jake. Thank you for listening."

"I'm glad that you trusted me enough to tell me. I wish I could have stayed with you, but I wasn't sure how you would feel if you woke in the morning and I was still there."

I wanted to tell him that I would have been happy if he had still been with me this morning. I would have been happy and overwhelmed. I needed space and time this morning to process what happened last night. Somehow he knew I needed to wake alone.

I trusted him. I trusted him with my secrets and I trusted him in my home. I trusted him.

I didn't believe I deserved him. He was exquisite, perfect, sensitive and kind. I didn't believe he was meant for me.

Trust and belief. Edward was right. They weren't the same.

"I appreciate you walking me home. I'm going to head inside. I've had a busy evening and I want to get out of these shoes."

I wiggled my foot in the air in front of him. I was still wearing my heels. His gaze lingered on my foot and then lazily made its way up to the hem of my jacket. My body flooded with heat as I wondered what he was thinking.

"I meant to tell you that I liked your shoes. You look really beautiful tonight."

He was really making it hard to not invite him up.

As I turned to climb the steps he held out his hand. There was a small card in it. It was a business card. It had his phone number.

Edward Cullen.

I didn't know his last name. I had to say it out loud. I wanted to feel it on my lips.

"Edward Cullen."

He looked at me and smiled.

"I like your name. It suits you. You seem like an Edward, somehow."

He let out a gentle laugh.

"Now you know where I live and my phone number and my name. There goes all the mystery."

Right. He was nothing but mystery.

He looked at me expectantly.

"Don't I get your phone number?"

"Do you need it? If you can sense where I am, isn't my number sort of unnecessary?"

He pursed his lips and made a face like he was pondering this question.

"What if I can sense that you are home and I want to talk to you? Do you really want me to show up at your doorstep all the time like a stray dog? I will if you want me to."

I still wasn't sure I was buying in to any of this. He was right about the convenience of picking up a phone though.

I fished in my purse for a scrap of paper and jotted down my number. It wasn't a tidy business card.

He placed my number in his coat pocket.

"I do like stray dogs," I joked. "My mom used to say that all the stray dogs in the county knew to show up at our house because I would take care of them."

"I can picture that."

And I believed he could. He could see what I was.

I said goodnight and reached for the door.

He said my name and I turned, keeping the door propped open with my foot. When I turned I almost stumbled backward. He followed me up the steps.

"Can I see you tomorrow?"

Yes. And the next day and the next and the next.

"I'd like that. Call me."

He took my hand and gently brushed the tips of my fingers over his lips.

He held the door and I stumbled inside. When I reached my door I dropped my things. I closed the door behind me and sank to the floor against it. My heart thundered in my ears.

I brushed my fingertips over my own lips.

What was Edward? Was he just a regular man? Was he some sort of mutant with extra senses? What if he was something else entirely? Could he really sense where I was? How was that even possible? Did I really want to know?

I sat slumped on the floor in front of my door for many minutes. My brain was dancing in circles as it tried to come up with some explanation for what Edward could be. I got up and stretched and then walked to the stove to heat some water up for tea.

I made a decision.

It didn't matter. There was a part of me that already knew there was something more to Edward. He was different, exceptional. I realized that I already accepted this fact. He hadn't seemed like any other guy I ever knew simply because he wasn't.

I slipped into my bed. The day exhausted me, emotionally and physically.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I dreamed that Edward was holding me in his arms as we glided between the rooftops in the city. It was dark and the ground was far below, the headlights of cars mere pinpricks of brightness. The wind was rushing past my face and he was laughing. The sound was beautiful. We stopped at the top of the highest building. There were no noises. You could not hear the cars or the wind. I could not hear Edward - but his mouth was moving as if he was speaking to me. He held me close and pressed his warm lips to mine. I reached up and slid my fingers into his hair, holding him close. I didn't want him to, but he pulled away. As soon as he pulled away I could hear sounds again. Horns honking, a distant church bell, the wind.

Edward said, "Don't look down." I hesitated for a moment and then I looked. His feet were still firmly planted on the roof of the building but mine were dangling in mid-air. Then Edward let me go. I began falling down, and my only thoughts were that he was so beautiful and that he let me go.

* * *

Next chapter will be completely Edward POV and will explain some of the key "questions". Thanks for reading! Take Care. Love C


	6. Revelations EPOV

_AN: Okay - here is the thing: I need a beta. I have never used one before, but I am having a great deal of trouble making this story "sound" the way I want it to. I have some very sweet friends that help me with some ideas - but they are cheerleaders, and I would like them to stay that way, because I like to have my ego stroked as much as the next writer. BUT I really need someone who will tell me plainly that my thoughts are scattered or my tenses are crappy or that certain things don't flow or make sense or whatever. I need a butt-kicker! If you think you could be that person for me, please let me know. Maybe you are a lurker who has never reviewed, but has secretly thought how badly I need to have a beta - whatever it is - if you are interested and could do a bang up job, please - I beg of you - let me know!!!!!!!!!!!_

_StarRYNighT, you are an observant little minx - kudos to you! Visit the story thread at Twilighted._

_So here is the chapter that has given me a major brain cramp. I needed to give you some background, so forgive me if it is different than you were anticipating._

_Stephenie Meyer is the creator of Twilight. I love her for it!_

**Revelations**

(Edward)

I walked the street as the winter wind blew my hair away from my face. One of the good things about the cold was that it kept people indoors. On a night like tonight I could walk for blocks without encountering a single person. That was the way I preferred things to be.

It was strange to me that I would feel such a strong attraction to Bella when I generally distanced myself from humans. There was a reason for the distance. Even though the fates of angels and humans were so intertwined, none of us wanted to feel dependant upon them. We liked to pretend that we didn't need humans. This was untrue. We were charged with tasks upon the earth. Tasks that were specifically designed to influence the lives of people. We were not necessary if it were not for the humans. It was a fact that we largely chose to ignore.

Angels are not born. They are created. They are not immortal, though they have a very long life span.

We are souls set apart for a purpose.

Angel souls arise from moments of pure human triumph. A supreme moment of bravery, raw passion, sacrifice, true love. These moments give rise to our souls.

The triumph of humanity creates angels. And then the angels influence the course of human events.

Entwined fates.

Now that I had forged this connection with Bella, I understood why we kept ourselves at a distance. I could never be what she would need and she could not become an angel. There was no room for compromise.

I found myself standing outside of her building. I shouldn't be here. Yet I knew when I left that this is where I would wind up.

The snow that had started earlier in the night had stopped. There was a dusting left on the sidewalks and windowsills. My bare feet had made footprints in the snow. I couldn't feel the cold. My body stayed pleasantly warm despite the low temperatures.

I stood and let my body absorb the feel of the city. Angels are sensory creatures that are sensitive to the tremorous activity of the earth. We can take in information about the world around us by the sensations that run through our bodies. I could compare it to a bat using echolocation, it's like having an extra sense that we can use to figure out our surroundings. I don't know any angels that like wearing shoes. We all go barefoot whenever possible. When I have shoes on I feel like I am limited, blindfolded, held back.

I wondered when Bella was going to get back around to asking more questions about our first barefoot encounter. She was extraordinarily observant. She was also starting to fully realize how very different I might be, and she had gotten very selective in the questions she chose to pose. It was as if she was only allowing herself small doses of truth. I didn't want to force more on her than she was ready for.

I stared up at her window. All the lights were off in her apartment. She had to be sleeping.

If she was sleeping it couldn't hurt to watch her. She would never know that I was there. She hadn't noticed the other time.

Being away from her was torture. I had so little time left. Once she was gone, she would go where I couldn't follow.

I stood on her balcony. I could sense her deep even breaths, the stupor of sleep in the air. She was so beautiful when she slept, peaceful and calm. I ached to hold her in my arms, to feel her slumbering body melt into mine.

These were the thoughts racing through my mind as I let my physical body melt away. I stood on the balcony until I was nothing but shadow - vapor. She would never know.

I stepped through the glass of the doors and made my way into her bedroom. I recalled the only other time that I had chosen to be unseeable in her presence. I had been in her home, trying to get a sense of what I needed to do. Bella came out of her miniscule bathroom wearing an old t-shirt and her little panties with the fairy on them.

Jasper liked to call what happened next my 'wake-up call' - I looked at it as the day I realized I no longer wanted to be alone.

She stood in front of her closet picking out clothes for work. Her hair was still damp from the shower and her body smelled like a tropical garden, sweet like berries and heady like freesia. She reached up to the top shelf to get some pants and her shirt pulled up. I could see the arc of her hips and the smooth expanse of her belly.

The feelings that flooded me were shocking. I knew angels couldn't become ill, but in that moment that was how I felt. I felt too warm all over, I couldn't breathe correctly, my body stirred with unnamable desires. I fled.

I watched her at work that day. She seemed to know I was there even though she couldn't see me. Somehow that was gratifying. It felt like we had a connection.

Of course, I almost gave it all away when I helped her fold her laundry. I pulled those panties out of the pile and the only image in my mind was Bella in front of her closet. I was sure that my deeds would be found out. It was a stroke of luck that she took my reaction for shyness. If she knew the truth she wouldn't want me anywhere near her. Of this I was sure.

I silently made my way to her bedroom. She was sleeping soundly under a mountain of blankets. It saddened me that she always seemed so cold. It was as if it were a reaction from her soul, not just her body.

Her hair splayed out across her pillows. Her lips were curled in a slight pout and for a moment I dared to imagine what it would feel like to press my lips to hers.

I stopped and wondered what I would do now that I was here.

In a fit of impulse my decision was made. I silently slipped off the shirt I was wearing and lay on the bed next to her, carefully. She was so close that I could feel her breath on my face. My presence would warm her. This notion gave me peace.

My right wing unfurled and I let it fall over her, granting her the small amount of protection I could, for now.

As she slept my mind turned, and I found myself thinking about right and wrong. Angels have always believed that we are on the side of right. For this reason I don't believe I have ever questioned the tasks set before me. Why question what is right? Lying beside Bella, feeling her warm, alive body so close to mine - her very existence had me questioning mine.

The rhythm of her breathing centered me. As I lay beside her in the darkness I replayed the night's earlier events in my mind.

_My heart was pounding as I watched Bella climb the stairs of her building. I could still feel the coolness of her fingertips on my lips._

_Thoughts of being tangled up with her flooded my brain. Thoughts of skin against skin, and sighs and sweat. _

_Thoughts that were wrong, because all of this was wrong. Thoughts that were wrong because none of this could ever be._

_I had spent the better part of the day thinking about Bella. I wondered how I should proceed. The problem was that I was out of options. I was also out of time._

_I turned and walked home. It was too tempting to stay here. To stand outside of her building on the hope that she would look out her window. She was too tempting._

_I arrived back at my apartment and greeted Alice and Jasper. They were sitting on the couch, waiting for me - as I knew they would be._

_Before I launched into the discussion I knew they were waiting to have, I grabbed a glass and began downing water from the sink. By the fourth glass I was feeling better._

_Angels were not meant to live on the earth for extended periods of time. We had our own realm. It was rather plain in contrast to the earth, but in many ways it better suited our existence. On earth we could eat if we chose to, but it was not necessary. We did need to drink. In our realm we were nourished by the act of breathing. Our realm suited us so perfectly that we needed nothing else. Earth dried us out. Each day I felt like a sponge that had been wrung out and left in the sun to dry. I needed to drink constantly. The thirst always nagged. It was customary for angels to stay on the earth while they were completing their tasks. I would stay here until all the issues with Bella were resolved. I wanted to stay, even though my body said otherwise. _

_I would suffer the thirst for her. It was a small price to pay._

_I refilled my glass and joined my family in the living room. Alice leaned into Jasper's side and his arm held her tight and close. His lips ghosted over her dark silky hair, and a pang of jealousy ran through me. I wanted that. I wanted to hold Bella close. I wanted her to accept what I was and love me all the same. _

_It could never be._

_"How are you, Edward?" Alice asked the question. She knew how tortured I was over Bella. They both did._

_Jasper looked up. He awaited my response with interest._

_"I haven't changed my plan. She needs them Alice. There is no other way. It has to be done, so it doesn't really matter how I am."_

_Jasper shook his head. They both disagreed with the course of action I decided upon._

_"Edward, you know that Alice sees other ways to work this out. You don't have to always be so set in your decisions. Why can't you see that?" _

_Alice was an Angel of Possibility. When you are working with the fabric of eternity there are many, many threads that make up the tapestry. It is Alice's lot to explore different outcomes and choices, in order to find the one that best fits the tapestry. The only problem is that eternity is an awfully broad scope - so what Alice sees changes by the second. Her mind is a flash of images, similar to what one would behold if they sat in front of their television and just kept flipping to channel after channel. It never ends. _

_Jasper would stand by anything that Alice claimed to be right. Jasper's outlook was tainted by his love for her. _

_She tried to tell me that there were other ways. I did not agree. _

_"We all know that what Alice sees is not always the best or final answer. I don't have to tell either of you that."_

_Alice let out a small sigh. "You will suffer. You are already suffering. I just want to help."_

_I knew she meant well. Alice always meant well. _

_She put her head down, defeated. She began running her fingers gently over the scars on Jasper's arms. This was her comfort. His scars were her strength. _

_In fact, Jasper's scars were the strength of many. He was an Angel of Valor. He was the embodiment of courage under fire. Each time a human was influenced to perform an amazing feat under extreme pressure - this was the calling card of an Angel of Valor. Of course, the principal of balance was enforced on the angels as well, and each time he poured his strength into a human, his body bore the mark. Jasper was covered in scars, his arms and legs a veritable map of his acts for the sake of humanity._

_That was probably why they suited one another so well. They were always working toward the greater good. _

_I was the odd angel out. My tasks were sometimes unsavory. Sometimes my hands got dirty. _

_I didn't dismiss Alice's concerns. I knew her heart, literally. Angels posses different gifts that we employ for a variety of purposes. I have the ability to see the true desire of one's heart. It is a gift that has become particularly useful to me in dealing with humans. If I know what a person desires above all else, I can easily glean the quickest path to balance. If I know what they desire I know what to give or take away to make the biggest impact. _

_In the case of Alice, she did desire to protect me from pain. I knew this. I also knew that it wouldn't change anything._

_The desire of Bella's heart was to have her family. She wanted her mother and father. She wanted to know that somehow, somewhere, her parents and Jacob could be with her again. I could make this happen. If I followed Alice's advice, I might gain the desire of my heart, but the balance would continue to be off. There could be no other way. I had to take Bella's life in order to give her what she desired most._

A soft sigh escaped Bella's lips. I shifted my focus back to the present. Bella stretched her arm up over her head and slipped deeper into sleep. I touched the pale skin of her arm gently. Her creamy skin was soft to the touch.

My eye caught the picture by Bella's bedside. It was a picture of Bella and her mom and dad. Bella was young, her lips spread wide in a toothy grin. It was already obvious that she was going to grow up to be a beauty. It was a moment from a happier time. It was taken before the events of Bella's life were thrown out of balance.

This was the life she was meant to have.

Instead, Renee Swan was shot and killed by a stray bullet in a robbery gone bad. She left her home at 8:47 at night. Bella was nine, and it was a school night. Renee kissed her before she left the house. She drove into town and pulled into the small market on Main Street. She needed to get milk and bread. She never came home.

The tragedy rocked the small town. It was a safe place, crimes like this were unheard of. But that didn't bring Renee Swan back. A little girl was left without a mother and a husband without a wife.

This was the point where the scale of Bella's life began to tip.

Charles Swan was the police chief. To say that the loss of his wife to a senseless crime ruined him would be a gross understatement. He shouldered the blame completely and fell into a deep depression.

When Bella was eleven she returned home from school to find a squad car in the driveway. It wasn't her father's. She was taken to the Black's. That was where they told her that her father had taken his own life. The years of guilt and depression overwhelmed him. He was gone.

The scales tipped further still.

Jacob Black died in a horrible accident. Everyone she loved was gone. Everyone who loved her most was gone.

Life is not meant to be without its hardships. Tragedy touches human lives. But usually the tragedies of life are offset by the joys. There are ups and downs, good times and bad, highs and lows.

Bella's life had become a series of lows. The scales were so off balance that they were threatening to snap. That was the reason I was here. I was the answer.

In order to restore the balance to her life, I would give her the desire of her heart. Even if it meant giving up the desire of mine.

There was a cup of water next to the picture. I drank it down. It tasted like plastic, like it had been sitting in the cup for days.

I watched Bella as she lay dreaming next to me. She was warmer now. Her cheeks were a shade pinker than when I entered the room earlier. I could feel the fabric of her blankets against my bare chest.

There was little that I wouldn't give to be able to slip under the blankets.

Was it wrong to feel this way? Was it wrong to want something the way I wanted this woman?

I didn't believe that it was. Angels took mates. Some mixed with humans for a time, but those pairings were never long term. Alice and Jasper were together. They loved one another completely, and were only whole when they were together. I couldn't make myself believe that what I was feeling was wrong.

However, I did believe that what I was feeling was forbidden. She was my task. I was sent here for a reason, for a purpose that did not include my own pleasure. She was the apple I was not allowed to savor. She held the knowledge I was not meant to discover.

Forbidden fruit, free will, life and death. Right and wrong. All in a days work for an angel.

The feelings I had weren't wrong, but it would be wrong to act upon them. That was the truth at the heart of the matter.

I wondered if this was the way Pinocchio had felt when he wished he was a real boy. If I were a "real" boy, would it all be different?

My head rested on the pillow and I slid my hand up under the case. It surprised me when the tip of my finger touched something pointed. It was the card I had given Bella earlier in the night. The one that had my phone number. Humans were so easily pacified. If you had a card and a phone and seemed normal enough on the surface - they had no desire to look further for proof that things were otherwise.

Edward Cullen. This was the name I gave to people. I was really just Edward, but humans wanted the last name, they wanted the complete package. Bella wasn't just an ordinary person, though. It surprised me that she didn't comment on the last name. After all, she worked with Esme Cullen. It surprised me that she didn't question it, and it disappointed me a bit too. I wanted her to notice. I wanted her to ask.

Carlisle and Esme Cullen were the reason behind my existence. They loved one another purely and couldn't have children of their own. Their supreme love resulted in my soul. This doesn't always happen. There are many people that love one another deeply, and many people that love one another deeply and can't have the children they desire. That doesn't mean that there are millions of angels running around because of this. However, once in a great while, two people share a love that is so powerful that it changes things.

Like most angels I know the origin of my soul. For me, this knowledge tended to keep me near them when I needed to be on the earth as my home base. Somehow their humanity and their impact on the infinite seemed to ground me. I never imagined that I would be presented with a task that would put me so close to them, but as the saying goes: it's a small world.

The world was too small tonight. I let out a sigh, and it felt as though a mountain of sorrow was laying on my chest. I laid a puzzle out before Bella's feet. I presented her with the pieces, in the hope that she would connect them and see the picture. I was putting my trust in her, trusting that she would make sense of it all.

If she could figure it out, if she could find some way to understand what I was, then maybe she could help me find a way to make things right. Maybe she could love me for what I am. Maybe we could love each other so powerfully that it would change things.

* * *

_So here is the crux of it all: In Twilight Edward is like a man - but he fears he has no soul. I have wondered what it would be like if Edward was really just a soul - who wanted to be a man. Stay tuned to find out! _

_The line about Alice rubbing Jasper's scars is an homage to the story Slip by segolily. If you aren't reading it you really should be. _

_In case you are not familiar with it - Pinocchio is the story of a wooden puppet that wants to be a real boy._

_Thanks for reading! Love C_


	7. Warm

**_AN - Thanks to my SUPER beta miaokuancha, for your comments and help and speed! _**

**_Thanks to all of you who offered to beta for me - I was overwhelmed and grateful!!!!! _**

**_Stephenie Meyer is the creator of all things Twilight. No infringement intended._**

**_Enjoy._**

* * *

Chapter 7 - Warm

(Bella)

I woke to weak winter sunshine on my face. I felt considerably warmer than I was used to being. Toasty, even. Warmer than I should have been in my drafty little apartment. I reveled in the warmth. I was bundled so cozy in my blankets that I didn't want to disentangle myself from them.

I stretched myself out, remembering the dream I had. I was flying with Edward and he kissed me. The dream ended rather badly, with me falling from some great height. Dropped. I decided not to dwell on that part. I was pretty good at repressing unpleasant things. I had lots of practice.

Instead, I tried to remember the part of the dream where Edward kissed me, in detail. I was already warm but thinking about running my fingers through his hair, feeling his soft warm lips against mine - thinking about those things was making me decidedly warmer. I was making myself blush. The want that I felt for him was new to me. I'd never wanted a man the way I wanted him.

I shook my head, hoping to shake out these silly thoughts. I was blushing like a schoolgirl thinking of him simply kissing me. I wondered if it was possible to be any more pedestrian. He was gorgeous to mythic proportions, he behaved like a complete gentleman, and he probably had to work to keep women out of his bed. I needed to get past the inability to even think of touching him without my own body trembling.

I rolled to my side. I burrowed my head into the pillows. I really must have been doing a good job remembering that dream because I felt like I could smell Edward all around me. I pulled the pillow in closer to me. My body tingled right down to the tips of my toes. What would it be like to have that smell all over me? In my hair, on my tongue, saturating my skin. That was the question that continued running through my mind as I got ready for my day.

On my way out of the bedroom I picked up the empty cup by my bed. I couldn't remember drinking the water in it. I dropped the cup in the sink and headed out the door to work.

At the bottom of the steps, Edward was waiting for me. His grey wool coat hung open over a tailored white shirt. He was wearing dark jeans and boots again. The winter weather seemed to have no effect on his comfort. He simply stood there smiling, looking like a beautifully wrapped package - the kind that you knew contained something wonderful and you couldn't wait to unwrap it.

I bit my lip hard. I had to stop letting my thoughts head down that path. He hadn't even kissed me for real yet.

"So did you sense I was still home?"

"Stray dog, remember? I'm not embarrassed to tell you that I missed you. I wanted to see you."

"I did tell you I like stray dogs," I teased.

His words felt good. I missed him. I wanted to see him. To know that he felt the same way made the day seem brighter.

He held out a cup. It held thick, frothy, delicious hot chocolate.

"Hot chocolate?" I squealed in delight.

"I hoped you would like it. You seem like a hot chocolate kind of girl." He was smiling in that way that told me he was pleased to have made me so happy. I would have been happy just to have him next to me - his thoughtfulness was simply an added and much appreciated bonus.

I wanted to be impulsive and give him a quick kiss on the cheek in thanks. Instead my Bella-brain processed the fact that that might wind up being awkward. Instead I gave his arm a light squeeze and said "thanks."

His green eyes were warm as they searched my face. He reached out his long warm fingers and traced a line along my cheek. He tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. My cheek blazed with warmth.

We started walking. It surprised me when he gently took my hand in his. We walked along hand in hand for a few moments. He raised our joined hands slightly and shot me a questioning glance.

"Is this okay?"

I almost wanted to laugh. The fact that he could be so tentative amazed me. Hadn't I been fantasizing about him saturating me with his scent earlier? I knew it would be grossly inappropriate to voice those thoughts, though. So, yeah, holding hands was really okay.

"I think it's nice." I gently tightened my hand, trying to encourage him.

As we walked along the conversation flowed freely. I enjoyed my hot chocolate and imagined that every woman we passed was envious of the man holding my hand. We reached the library too quickly for my liking.

It was Saturday, which meant Esme and Mike wouldn't be working. This was a relief. I wasn't interested in fielding all the inevitable questions from Esme, or trying to tread lightly around Mike in order to spare his feelings. The quiet gave me time to think and daydream.

When I finished work later in the evening, he was waiting for me once again.

I had not asked him if he would walk me home but I hoped all day.

At the sight of him. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. Even in the short time I'd known Edward, I felt comforted by his presence. When I was away from him I seemed to get caught up in a strange anxiousness. It wasn't something I was completely conscious of - I only knew that when I was with him again, the uneasy feeling lifted.

I grabbed his hand as soon as I was close enough to reach it. He chuckled at my eagerness.

"How was work?" He asked this with genuine concern.

"Fine. Long. I thought about you a lot."

"Really?" He gave me a playful smirk.

"Yes. I thought about you for an embarrassingly large amount of time."

I looked away as I said it. It was an admission that I was wary to make. I didn't want him to think I was obsessed, even if I was.

We walked for a few blocks and then Edward pulled me to a stop.

"I was wondering if you would like to come to my apartment for dinner tonight? I made plenty, and Alice and Jasper might be by later. I'd really like you to meet them."

I agreed. I was eager to know more about him and I knew that seeing where he lived would help unravel the mystery further.

My apartment looked like a cave in comparison to his. His apartment was sprawling and light and warm. He wasn't lying about it being uncluttered. There wasn't much furniture, but the pieces that were there were amazing. They all looked like priceless antiques, thick carved wood and supple leathers. He must have been seriously under whelmed by my pitiful place. A pang of panic struck me as I wondered if maybe I was just a charity case for Edward. Maybe he just thought it would be fun to slum it for a little while. I didn't really think that was the case, though. He had never once acted like he was better than me. He had never once made any comment that was condescending - about me or my possessions. I suddenly remembered the feather and it's message. I needed to believe. Edward was different. Maybe all these "things", fancy furniture and nice clothes, maybe these were really just things to him. Perhaps, because of whatever he was, he didn't hold possessions as highly as some people might.

He gave me a quick tour. The living room, bathroom and the bedrooms. We lingered at the door to Edward's room. There was a large bed covered in a spread that was dark grey. It looked soft and velvety. There was a stereo and a dresser and not much else. It smelled like heaven. I wanted to go in, close the door behind me, and just breathe. For the rest of my life. He really smelled that good. It messed with my brain.

As we drew closer to the kitchen I could smell food. He asked me to sit on the couch for a few minutes while he put dinner on the table. I wanted to help but he insisted that I wait.

A few minutes later he took my hand and lead me to the table. There was a delicious looking roasted chicken, creamy risotto, bread and salad. To my hungry belly, it looked like an incredible feast. I could feel tears stinging my eyes. I couldn't repay this tenderness. There was just no way.

Edward took one look at my face and realized that something was off. Before I even realized what was happening, he had me pressed against his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I drew a few shaky breaths, hoping to get myself under control. I certainly wasn't going to repay his kindness by blubbering like an idiot. He caressed my back gently while he rested his cheek on the top of my head.

"It's okay Bella. It's alright to let someone take care of you. That's all I want Bella."

I stepped back. He held me at arms length and stared into my eyes. He used his thumbs to wipe the tears that had pooled there. The food was getting cold and I was still wasting time being foolish.

"Bella, I know you haven't had the easiest life. I really do just want the chance to take care of you. You deserve it. It's the least I can do. Please don't cry."

The way he said the words made me realize that he did know. He knew exactly how hard my life was, all the gory details, not just about Jacob but about everything. I wasn't sure how he knew, but I felt sure it was true. Somehow Edward knew just how broken and messed up my life was and he still wanted to make me dinner and bring me hot chocolate and hold me while I cried. I thanked whatever lucky stars I had left that brought him into my life.

"Thank you. Thank you for the food and for taking care of me. I'm not used to being cared for and it just caught me off guard. I feel so stupid for crying. This is all really nice."

He pulled out a chair and helped me settle myself at the beautifully set table. He sat down across from me. He kept glancing at me furtively, I think he was a little worried that the water-works were going to start back up.

The food was delectable. The chicken was roasted to perfection and the risotto was creamy and indulgent. It was comfort food of the highest order. There was a large pitcher of water on the table and Edward drank down six glasses with his meal. It had become a game to me to keep track of how much he drank. It was like dating a camel without the unsightly lumps.

"Everything is so good. You're a wonderful cook."

"I don't cook very often. I'm just glad everything turned out ok. Sit and relax and I'll clear the table."

He gathered some plates and made his way toward the kitchen. The kitchen was the only area of the house I didn't see. I wasn't going to sit and let him clear the table by himself, so I grabbed the salad and followed behind him.

When I caught sight of the kitchen I realized why he insisted on clearing the table. It looked as if a bomb had gone off in the small space. There were pots and pans covering every inch of counter surface. There was flour and what looked like milk spilled on the floor. The garbage was full to overflowing. It was an unbelievable mess.

Edward turned to find me gawking at the disaster. His cheeks turned pink as he fumbled for an explanation.

"This is why I don't cook often. I tend to get too carried away with the cooking and then I forget to clean as I go."

I laughed. He really was an adorable man.

"How about you clear the rest of the table and I'll start tackling this. It's the least I can do after that wonderful meal."

He looked uncertain. It surprised me when he agreed.

"Are you sure? I can take care of it later."

"I insist."

He left to finish the table and I got to work filling the sink up with pans to soak.

When he was finished clearing the table, he pitched in to help. Eventually we worked out a system where I washed and he dried. We didn't talk much, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. The kitchen area was a very small space, so we spent our time close to one another. It was probably good we weren't talking much because every fiber of my being was too consumed with the simple sensation of being near him. When I was starting to let the butterflies get the best of me, I decided I needed a distraction.

"Tell me something else that you can do," I said.

He looked a bit wary of answering. I remembered what he said about only asking questions I could handle the answers to.

"Drop something," he finally answered.

I was holding a glass and I hesitated. I didn't want to get glass all over. I was curious, though - so I let the glass slip from my hand.

Quicker than I could have imagined, the glass was back on the counter, completely intact. I didn't even see him move.

"Wow!" It was the only thing I could think to say.

I knew he was fast. I saw it when he snatched that piece of ash out of the air. Seeing it from a distance, and seeing it close up were two very different experiences. To drive home the point, he went from standing next to me, to standing directly behind me before I could even blink. I could feel his strong warm body against me. I wanted to melt into him. He circled his arms around me and I had to take a shaky breath. I leaned my head back against his chest and he rested his chin gently on the top of my head.

"It feels good to have you here with me."

I couldn't reply. The rhythm of his breathing was hypnotizing me, and the words he spoke, even in their simple honesty, made me feel high. I wondered if that was another power that he had. Was there something about him that caused a chemical reaction in me? It felt so much stronger than the normal euphoric cocktail of feelings that occurred when you were attracted to someone. Being near him was like a drug, and the lows when we were apart were getting worse. If this was unhealthy, if this was addiction - I didn't care.

When I regained enough control to speak, I told him about the dream that I had. I turned in his arms so that I could look up at his face.

"We were flying. You were holding on to me. We flew to the top of a building." I stopped, unsure if I wanted to mention the part about him kissing me, or letting me fall. As usual, the blush on my cheeks betrayed me and alighted his curiosity.

"Was there more to your dream?" He asked with a smile.

"Uhm, well, we kissed." I decided to leave the falling out. He didn't smile now, he looked as if he were struggling with some internal battle.

"Can you fly? Do you have a cape or something tucked away in your closet?" I was curious, but I was also embarrassed by his reaction when I revealed that I dreamed of him kissing me and was trying to direct his focus somewhere else.

It took me by complete surprise when he circled my waist with his hands and lifted me up onto the counter. His hands remained at my waist, and I wasn't breathing.

"Ask me about flying another time," he said softly. "You dreamed about me kissing you?"

I nodded. His eyes were intense. He moved closer, nestling himself between my knees. I took in every detail. The way his strangely colored hair was pushed back from his face, his thick dark lashes that framed those magnificent emerald eyes. The sculpted angles of his face that seemed too perfect to be real and those lavish lips that looked like their sole purpose was engaging in kisses of the most decadent variety.

As he tilted his head down toward me, I forced my hands to grab onto the edge of the counter. They were shaking so badly. I pulled in a quick breath and felt my tongue gloss over my lips in a completely involuntary move. My eyelids fluttered closed.

There was a breath between us. The anticipation was driving me mad. His lips met mine, ghosted over them tentatively. I tingled with delight.

The door in the hall opened and Edward stepped back from me. My body felt the loss acutely.

Jasper and Alice had arrived. I hopped down off the counter.

Edward met my eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said. I could see that he meant it.

I started toward the dining room, ready to meet Edward's roommates. I peeked behind me to see if he was coming.

Edward was still rooted to the same spot. He was touching his lips with his fingertips. The look on his face was one of wonder and surprise.


	8. The Lips of an Angel

_AN:_

_Many thanks to miaokuancha, for her most wonderful beta skills and for keeping this story on the right track. You are an angel!_

_Someone asked for a recap of what has happened: Bella has had some major tragedy in her life, which has left her completely alone. She escaped to the city to try and start over. Edward is an angel who has been given the task of balancing the events of Bella's life. His goal is to give her the desire of her heart (which at this moment is to be reunited with her family.) Bella knows that Edward is not a "regular" guy. She doesn't know what he is exactly. In typical Bella fashion she has decided that it doesn't matter._

_Thanks to vixen1836 for making a lovely thumbnail sig over on Twilighted for this story. (It is VERY delicious) - If anyone would like it, it is on the Twilighted thread for this story - I have put the link in my profile._

_Lastly, this chapter is fairly long, but not very big on dialogue. It is more about events that occur than talk. _

_Stephenie Meyer is the creator of Twilight and its related characters. I own nothing._

* * *

Chapter 8 The Lips of an Angel

(Bella)

Edward was next to me a moment later. He gently placed his hand at the small of my back, guiding me.

I heard Alice before I saw her.

"Edward?" Her musical voice called through the apartment.

We turned the corner and there they were. Alice and Jasper.

Jasper was helping Alice out of her long coat. Their cheeks were pink from the wind outside.

I realized immediately that these were the two who had been with Edward the first time I saw him. I wondered why it hadn't occurred to me that they would be the same people. I had a sneaking suspicion that the reason was Edward. When he was around, he became my point of focus, and everything else seemed to blur around the edges. They were beautiful, like Edward.

It was odd in a way. They all looked quite different and yet they still had some similarity in the lines of their faces.

"There you are!" Alice exclaimed when she saw us. Her eyes were a shocking violet color, the perfect match of spring flowers. She moved her petite body with pure grace. I liked her immediately.

Jasper smiled at me, kindly. He was fair haired and golden skinned.

As I took mental inventory of their perfection it struck me that we all looked around the same age. I wondered how that could be. I was struggling to put ramen noodles on the table, and they had their own business cards and a spacious apartment furnished with what were probably priceless antiques. There must be few doors that can't be opened with all that beauty and grace. One of them alone was amazing - but together, the three of them were nothing short of distracting.

Jasper's smooth baritone voice pulled me out of my mental monologue.

"Hello, Bella. Edward has told us a lot about you. It's a pleasure to meet you." He reached to shake my hand and any nervousness I felt washed away. His presence was soothing, like a soft blanket or a warm cup of tea.

"Bella just cleaned up my mess in the kitchen." Edward admitted. Jasper and Alice laughed, the sound a perfect harmony of lows and highs.

"Did he make chicken?" Alice asked. "He makes fantastic chicken."

I nodded. I thought it was sweet that she was talking up his cooking skills. I could tell that she wanted me to care about Edward. It made her even more endearing.

"I have dessert," she announced.

It surprised me when she thrust a white bakery box tied with string into my hands.

"Angel food cake," she said, winking at Edward. Maybe it was his favorite?

Soon we were all at the table, digging into slices of cake and sipping cups of coffee that Jasper made.

"That is the cleanest the kitchen has ever been after Edward cooked. Nice job Bella!" He said when he returned from the kitchen with a fresh pot of coffee.

Edward agreed. He took their good natured teasing well. They seemed to all share a special bond. It was obvious they were close friends but it went beyond that. I wondered if they had abilities like Edward. What if they didn't? What if they didn't know the things Edward could do? Maybe he was playing the Bruce Wayne angle: handsome business man by day - speedy, message leaving, good guy by night?

Alice chattered away through dessert. She wanted to know what I was reading, what kind of music I listened to, what I did in my spare time. It might have gotten annoying if it weren't for the genuine interest and enthusiasm that greeted my every answer. In the short time we sat together I felt sure that she was the kindest person I ever met.

"Do you think you'll wind up going to college?" she asked. We had already been through questions about my high school graduation and my current job. She certainly was thorough in her questioning.

"I'm not sure. I think I would like to go someday. I just need a little time." It was the best answer I could give.

Alice looked at me for a moment, her forehead scrunched a bit in a thoughtful expression.

"Bella, time is a gift." Alice said my name, but her eyes were locked on Edward as she spoke. "Sometimes we think we have so much, but we don't. It's like the sand in an hour glass, once that last grain slips through, that's all there is. Use it wisely."

Edward did some sort of little nod, acknowledging whatever message she was conveying to him. I nodded as well. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her she was preaching to the choir - I knew how quickly the sand could run out.

It didn't surprise me when they both excused themselves from the table a moment later. Apparently their conversation wasn't over, but it needed a bit more privacy. That left me sitting across from Jasper. He had been relatively quiet as we sat around the table. I wanted to talk to him, but I tend to find myself a bit tongue-tied around gorgeous men. I fished around in my mind for something relevant to say. I remembered the pile of books I saw in his bedroom on my tour of the apartment. I decided to take that route. Books were something I could definitely discuss.

"Do you do a lot of reading Jasper?" I asked.

He smiled at me, looking pleased that I wanted to chat.

"Yes, when I have the time. If given a choice I would probably spend a good portion of my time curled up with Alice and a good book," he answered.

"I'm the same way. I guess it's lucky that I work at the library. Not only do I get to take home all the books I can possibly read, it's also a pretty good workout hauling them back and forth."

He laughed lightly at my comment.

I wasn't normally someone that felt at ease around new people. It surprised me that I found myself slipping into such easy conversation with Jasper. It had been the same with Alice. There was something about them that put me at ease, a feeling that we were old friends - not new acquaintances. For the first time since I moved to the city, I felt at home.

"I'm fascinated by history. I like to read up on all the great battles and find little details about important events in the past. Philosophy is another one of my favorite subjects. Alice says it all makes for boring reading, but I find it compelling," he leaned in as he talked, moving his hands in an animated way. I could tell he was passionate about his interests.

"I tend to stick with fiction. Reading is an escape for me. I can engross myself so fully in a book that I just lose myself while I read. I'm not a book snob, though. I know people that work at the library that wouldn't pick a book up if it wasn't labeled as a classic. I, on the other hand, am simply a sucker for a great story." I said.

"The classics didn't start out as classics, anyway. I agree with the idea of reading what you enjoy. That's what I tell Alice when she complains about me buying yet another book about the Civil War," he said. He smiled that warm smile at me again.

"What do you and Alice do, Jasper? Edward mentioned that you all work together."

He gave me a strange look after I asked the question. He hesitated for just a moment before answering.

"We do all work together. I'm curious though, what exactly did Edward tell you that we do?" He questioned back.

"Oh, he said what he did could be considered some type of public relations work. He said that you all work for his father, but nothing more than that." I tried to clarify, not sure why it mattered.

Jasper nodded in understanding. "Well if Edward calls his work PR then I guess I would say that I might be considered an outcome engineer, and Alice has some involvement with Futures." He chuckled at the end. I didn't really get the joke.

Outcome engineer? Futures? I wondered where on earth they had gone to school that would have prepared them for this type of work at such a young age. Maybe it had more to do with the fact that whatever they were involved with seemed like a family business. Maybe they learned stuff on the job? The only thing I knew for sure was that I was feeling pretty insignificant at the moment.

"What did you mean when you said 'if Edward calls his work PR' - does Edward do something different than public relations work?" There was obviously more mystery here, and I intended to figure it out.

Unfortunately, Jasper seemed determined to keep the mystery alive.

"Perhaps that is a question better left to Edward. If he told you that he considers his work that way, I'm sure he has his reasons. What I will tell you is this - Alice and I have known Edward a very long time, our whole lives really. What he does can sometimes be difficult, to put it mildly. He doesn't often open up to people. He's changed a lot since he met you. He is starting to see things differently, it's kind of amazing. He's kind of new to the idea of caring for someone, though. Try to be patient with him." This was his reply.

I felt flattered. Edward didn't seem like he had changed at all to me. He was as charming and gorgeous and mysterious as the day I first saw him. I kept hearing Jasper's voice over and over in my ears, saying Edward cared for me. One thing I could definitely be was patient.

I was enjoying our chat. I got the sense that there were definitely things Jasper and Alice knew. The trick was getting them to tell. Alice and Edward emerged from the hall, so my time with Jasper ended.

Alice and Jasper made their way back to the hall and gathered their coats back up. I was surprised as it was already a quarter to ten, but they said they had to head back out. They were probably giving Edward and me some privacy. I couldn't be sure though. In the small town where I grew up there wasn't much open past nine at night. Here in the city you could do just about anything at just about any hour of the night.

Jasper said goodbye in his quiet way. If he wasn't quite so handsome I think I could feel completely at ease around him. Alice shocked me by bounding toward me and wrapping me in a warm hug.

She kissed me on the cheek and then whispered in my ear. "Remember what I said about time. Don't ever forget."

I bowed my head slightly and nodded at her sage advice. She seemed to have a very old soul for someone so brimming with vitality.

Edward came to stand closer to me as we watched them go. Our arms were barely brushing against each other. It was enough to give me goose bumps.

When the door shut behind Alice and Jasper, there was a small echo. It was as if the apartment was reminding us that we were indeed alone once again. My thoughts went straight to the kitchen and the heavenly feel of Edward's lips ghosting over mine. I wondered if he was thinking the same thoughts.

"Would you like to sit down?" He asked in his ever so polite way.

He led the way to the living room and we settled on the large couch. It was surprisingly comfortable for such an imposing piece of furniture. The large black expanse of leather was soft and I found myself sinking into the luxury.

"I really liked Alice and Jasper. Thanks for bringing me here to meet them." I slid closer towards him as I spoke. I was rewarded by his arm sliding around my shoulders, tucking me into his side. I couldn't contain the small sigh that escaped my lips.

His nose skimmed over the top of my head as he breathed in. The skin at the back of my neck prickled with delight. I felt quite sure that Edward's thoughts were in the same place as mine.

He answered me back in a hushed voice. "They really like you. They think you're good for me."

He pulled me in a little closer. My heart did a funny little stutter - as if for a moment it forgot its job.

His hand went gently to the side of my neck, his thumb moving in caressing sweeps. I looked up into his face and was struck once again by his excessive beauty. I imagined I could stare at him forever and never be used to the perfection. He leaned down toward me. I felt sure he was going to kiss me again, but he placed his lips near my ear instead.

In a voice so low it was barely a whisper, he spoke. "I think you're good for me too." Then he placed a warm kiss on my neck, just above his fingertips.

The spot of skin blazed with heat. I was desperate to feel his lips on mine, but I willed myself to be patient. He went painfully slowly. He placed a kiss on my jaw and shifted his position so that we were facing one another. His hands seemed to be trembling as they came up to cup my face. The realization that I could have this kind of effect on him was startling. My stomach flip-flopped and I drew in a needed breath. His lips were beyond soft, his touch equally gentle.

Just before our lips met, his eyes seemed to be boring into mine. It was as if he were asking silent permission - wondering if this was alright. I didn't want to break whatever spell seemed to be weaving around us by uttering words. Words were not necessary at this moment. Instead I let my eyelids flutter closed and moved in slightly, closing the tiny gap between us.

His lips were like fire. They burned in their intensity, and every other thought in my mind was singed to ash. My lips parted under his. He tasted slightly sweet like the cake, and there was a hint of the coffee we drank, but more than either of those was a taste that made me moan with delight. It was like sweet ambrosia - a taste that was at once utterly familiar and completely foreign. I let the tip of my tongue glide over his lips, touching and tasting. He strained closer to me, as if he hoped to simply fuse our bodies together with passion.

Those luscious, perfect lips that seemed so tentative when they first touched mine had taken on a life of their own. They swept over my jaw. They caressed my collar bones as his tongue darted out to taste the skin at the hollow of my neck.

My hands slid over his arms and chest. I could feel the outlines of the muscles through his shirt. I could feel the strength and power that they hinted to. I slid my hands into his hair. The strands passed through my fingers, they were softer than silk.

This was not like any other kissing I had ever experienced. This was kissing to the millionth power. It wasn't even quantifiable. Every molecule of my body seemed to be taking part. It felt like the world around us was vanishing. The hunger he poured into these kisses was too much.

It was an excess of sensation and in that excess, time and space ceased to exist. It was simply Edward and I, alone in a universe of our making.

I couldn't think. I couldn't stop. I could barely breathe. I gave myself over to the magic. I let myself be dragged under.

Somehow, despite the fact that I appeared at a complete loss of faculty, it registered that this was not the kind of good fortune I was accustomed to. I was used to life kicking me in the teeth. I wasn't the girl that got this kind of guy. A string of fear wound itself into the fervor. The edge of fear worked to make me more excited. I might be playing Eve. Edward might be the juicy apple I was never meant to taste. The knowledge contained inside would probably be my undoing - and yet, just like Eve, I decided to savor the apple while it was here. I vowed to enjoy every succulent, juicy bit and let the consequences be damned.

I let myself fall back on the couch. I pulled Edward along with me, memorizing the weight of him pressing against me. He supported himself with one hand and had the other at my waist. His fingers had edged up the hem of my shirt, and my skin seared where it came into contact with his. He pulled back for a moment and looked at me. It was the look of a man who has spent days in the desert and has stumbled upon an oasis with a cool pool of water. It wasn't simply hunger or need - it was thirst.

I pulled Edward back to my lips, desperate for that connection. A smile turned the corners of my mouth as his lips played over them. A smile born from the fact that I knew first hand how very thirsty Edward was.

(Edward)

I knew that kissing Bella would change things. I had avoided kissing her because somehow I knew that even if it didn't change what she wanted it would alter my plans. The right thing to do was to give Bella her heart's desire. That was where things should have gone, that was the destiny that Bella Swan should have faced. Instead, I cooked for her, held her as she cried and then I kissed her.

I had never kissed anyone before. Not an angel - not a human. As I leaned into her in the kitchen, as I gently let my lips meet hers, it became crystal clear that nothing would ever be the same again. I would fall desperately in love with Bella. I would forever be haunted by the reality that what I am meant I would never be able to have her. If I had simply been a man, I could have pursued her, I could have given her every happiness the world had to offer if she let me. Instead, I sat with the thread of her life on the edge of a knife - and no amount of love that I had for her could change what must come next. It was a reality that I didn't want to accept.

Alice and Jasper arrived home. I could sense that they realized they interrupted something important. When Alice was able to get me away from the table, she tried to convince me once again that she saw things changing. She tried to tell me that things could work out a different way. For the first time I almost allowed myself to believe there was some other possibility.

Then we were alone again. It was what I wanted and feared the most. On one hand, I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her properly, the way I would have done if Alice and Jasper hadn't shown up when they did. On the other hand, I wanted to shout at her to run away, to get as far from me as she could - to save herself from the deeds I didn't want to do. In the end, the male part of me won out. The part that ached deep into the marrow of my bones just to feel her warm breath on my face.

I let her lean into me. She willingly lifted her face to mine. She wanted me to kiss her. I could deny her nothing.

Her lips were achingly sweet. The way they parted for mine, invited my tongue to taste, it was all more than I ever imagined it could be. Her hands touched my arms and chest and back, leaving burning need in their wake. I tasted the tender skin of her neck, licked the hollow of her throat. She rewarded my efforts with soft moans and throaty sighs. It was the most beautiful music my ears ever heard.

Then she let herself fall back on the couch, pulling me along with her. That was all it took for the focus of my entire body to shift lower. I was consumed with need. My fingers caressed the soft skin at her waist, wanting to feel every warm inch of her.

This was lust and love, want and need, heaven and hell all mixed into one. It changed things. I loved her. I wanted her and craved her in ways that I had no right to. This was complete stupidity on my part. I could already see the end. It was right there. I was running head long into it and it was going to shatter me. I would be nothing when she was gone. I said a silent prayer, hoping it truly was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I loved and I was going to be lost.

Her fingers tangled in my hair. My body was alive with sensation. She grazed my jaw with her teeth, then licked over the area - soothing it with her tongue. My breath came in ragged gulps, my chest heaving as it had never done before. Bella's body was so warm under mine, fevered. I could feel the heat through her clothes. I ran my hand down her thigh, curving over her knee. I hitched her leg up so that it came up around my hip. Leaning down, I pressed myself to her, allowing her to feel what she was doing to me. She trembled beneath me, her teeth biting gently into her lower lip. Her cheeks were flushed and her forehead was dewy and glistening with the tiniest hint of sweat. She had never looked more beautiful to me.

We kissed and caressed, tasted and touched. I looked into her eyes, quite sure that I was catching a glimpse of her lovely soul as she stared back. We were lost in a storm of passion. There would be damage, consequences - but it didn't matter now. Now we were just working on weathering the storm.

Much later, the storm did pass. Our kisses became softer, sanity was slowly restored. I could breathe again. Bella smiled up at me, her lips swollen from my demanding kisses. Her eyes were bright and clear, no longer clouded in a haze of desire. The room around us was still intact. This nearly surprised me. I half expected to find Bella and me on the couch, while the rest of the room had burnt down around us. I sat back up, my body already protesting its distance from Bella.

There was an awkward moment. I'd never been in this situation before. Was there a protocol for behavior after you had just broken every barrier of polite physical contact? I felt like I should thank her, but that sounded ridiculous, even in my own mind. I settled for trying to smooth my hair back into submission while Bella righted herself and her clothes, which were more than a little disheveled.

Of course, Bella, more of an angel than I was, in many respects - Bella knew exactly what to do. She stood and kissed my forehead gently. Then she went into the kitchen and brought us each a tall glass of cold water. I downed mine quickly, finishing what was left in hers as well. She smiled at me, her entire body looked content and relaxed.

We hadn't spoken in so long that when she started talking it startled me.

"I think you're good for me too, Edward. I haven't had the easiest life. I'm not sure why that is. Meeting you has changed the way I see a lot of things. I don't trust people easily, and I am very careful about who I let into my heart. Thank you for everything tonight - dinner, and Alice and Jasper and well, everything. It has been a wonderful night."

I didn't know how to reply to her words. Was I really the right one for her to trust?

I pulled her back down on the couch. I kissed her gently, lovingly. This was suddenly so easy, like breathing. "The night isn't over. What would you like to do? We could go get some coffee, or take a walk or watch a movie?"

She looked thoughtful. "I am feeling pretty lazy. Do you have any good movies?"

I panicked. I had no idea what kind of movies we had. Jasper and Alice occasionally watched a movie, I never did. She must have been able to read my face, because she gave me a playful nudge and started laughing. I t pleased me when she laughed. She seemed lighter when she did, younger and more free.

"How about we turn the TV on and see what we can find?" she suggested.

I grabbed some more water while she flipped through the channels. She left on a channel that was playing some sort of marathon of old reruns. We talked and kissed and laughed while she half watched the television. I simply watched her. I memorized the location of the little freckle near her left ear. I watched the gentle undulation of her neck as she swallowed. I stared at our hands, fingers entwined together - savored the feel of her smaller delicate hand in mine.

The first time Bella's head nodded, I checked the clock. It was already well past 2:00 in the morning. The time had slipped by so quickly, and now I was left with a dilemma. I knew she would be safe and warm and sleep well here with me. However, I didn't know if she would be comfortable with it. I wanted her to stay. I never wanted her apart from me again. I realized that I should wake her and ask her what she wanted. I could easily walk her home, it wasn't far. Instead of waking her, I let her fall more deeply asleep, in the hope that she would be too tired to want to go home.

Half an hour later I scooped her up in my arms and began walking toward my room. I pulled the blankets back with one arm and then placed Bella gently on the bed. She had already kicked her shoes off in the living room, so I simply covered her up. She snuggled deeper into the blankets. She was completely mesmerizing as she lay there, in my bed. I stared, liking the way she looked in my room way too much.

This is how she would look every night, if she were mine. If I were a man, and she were mine. I imagined I was just a man. It was a foolish thought, but I let myself have this little indulgence. I imagined that I had come home late from work, and she was asleep in our bed. We would have the mundane life that humans took for granted. We would build our lives over breakfast cereal. We would have a dog that we took for walks in the park. She would read while I watched the football game. We would have domestic bliss, in all its glory. And so I pretended. I climbed into bed beside her, wrapping my arm around her gently and pulling her close. She melted against me, fitting right inside my embrace. I let a sigh escape. Any human that took this for granted, any human that did not realize how lucky they were to hold love in their arms, was a damn fool.

"Edward?" she spoke my name. It was almost a whisper.

I didn't reply. She sometimes talked in her sleep, so I waited for a sign that she was actually awake. She turned a bit and I saw that her eyes were open.

"Edward?" she asked again.

"What is it love?" I answered.

"What are you?"

She asked the question. I vowed to be ready when she did. I knew it would come eventually.

What am I?

I am in love. I am tormented. I am sorry. I am captivated. I am stupid. I am wanting. I am male. I am an angel. Angel. Angel.

She asked the question and she deserved an answer. I took a breath. My heart was pounding. I took a moment to steel my courage.

"Bella, I am an angel." I closed my eyes while I awaited her response.

There was quiet for a moment. And then there was the very unexpected sound of Bella stifling giggles.

I opened my eyes. Bella turned her face and pulled my arm tighter around her. Her eyes were closed again.

"You don't kiss like an angel." she said as she drifted back off to sleep.


	9. Wind and Flame

AN: thanks to miaokuancha for her beta greatness.

MusicJunki, nicnicd, Vixen 1836, Uggy: Thank you a million times for rec'ing this story all over the place. I can't thank all of you enough for believing in my little tale of Angelward.

MusicJunki and nicnicd have a great story called On The Inside of Love (which I LOVE). You should check it out. It is loosely based on the 80's classic Pretty in Pink and their Bella kicks ass!

_Stephenie Meyer is the creator of Twilight and its related characters. No infringement intended._

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Previously : "You don't kiss like an angel." she said as she drifted back off to sleep.

"In the arms of the angel. Fly away from here." Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Chapter 9 - Wind and Flame

(Bella)

**_Edward was kissing me. The tips of his hair gently tickled my forehead and cheeks. The skin at his neck, slightly damp with sweat, glistened there like diamond dust. I turned my head as his lips moved along my jaw. We were lying on the grass and stars twinkled above us. Edward's fingers were tangled in the grass and each place that they touched burst into tiny blooms of flowers. They grew up under the moon, each leaf and petal uncurling before my eyes. The air was alive with the smell of life, green growing things, fresh rain-washed air and Edward. I wanted to stay here forever. I wanted to let him kiss me and hold me while we resided in our own private paradise. _**

**_No sooner had I though it, and everything changed. I had the sudden sensation of being pulled. It felt as if someone had a hand around each of my ankles, and was yanking with all their might. Edward seemed oblivious. He continued feathering kisses on my face and neck, eyes shut in peaceful contentment. I was starting to slide away. I had to reach out with my hands and grab at Edward, to try and hold on - to not be pulled away completely. His eyes opened and when he realized that I was slipping away, he became frantic. I looked down towards the direction I was being pulled. The landscape was a stark contrast. We were on the edge of a fertile garden, lush with life. I was being pulled toward a vast wasteland that stretched on as far as my eyes could see. There were fires burning sporadically on the horizon and the smoke seemed to choke out the stars._**

**_Edward grabbed my hand and helped me to stand upright - then he pulled me forward. As we ran, a rift began to form. A wide fissure cut deep into the ground, separating the two places. I tried to implore Edward to head into the garden. I wanted to get far away from the dark, desolate place. But no matter how much I pulled or tugged or begged, we simply continued running right along the edge of the ground that cracked and heaved under our feet. _**

**_I was still hoping to get into the garden when I heard a sound. It was coming from far off, in the shadows of the dark place. At first I wasn't sure that I heard anything at all. I slowed to listen more carefully. Edward tightened his grip on my hand and beseeched me to keep going. I strained to listen. Then, carried on the dry wind, I heard it. It was the voices of my parents, and they sounded like they were happy - and together. My feet stopped moving completely. I examined the barren place with renewed interest. If my parents were there it couldn't be all bad. _**

**_Edward pulled me to face him, and he had the crazed look of a caged animal. He kissed me fiercely and got me moving again. We were running so fast now that our feet were no longer touching the ground. We ran on a layer of air. We ran dangerously close to the crack that continued to open in front of us. I wondered how long it would be before we lost our footing and the earth swallowed us whole. _**

I sat up suddenly. I pulled in big gulps of air as I tried to calm my racing heart. It was dark, and I had the horrible realization that I didn't know where I was. I wasn't in my bed. I wasn't in my room. The dream was momentarily forgotten as I tried to get my bearings. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I could make out the shapes in the room, and the shape of the man lying beside me.

Edward was sleeping soundly. His face was perfection against his pillow in the dark. There wasn't a single line of tension, just pure peace. His hair was sticking out all over the place, pieces of it falling in his face. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to run the tip of my finger over all the perfect lines. For he was perfection, flawless beauty - ethereal.

I vaguely recalled falling asleep while we watched television on the couch. I also seemed to recall Edward carrying me to his bed. That thought filled me with a secret thrill. To know that I had been sleeping in his bed, that he had been so close to me - it seemed much less innocent than it really was. There were other thoughts that seemed to tangle into my dream. The word 'angel' kept rising to the forefront of my mind.

Is that what the magnificent creature sleeping with abandon was? Was he an angel? I could picture his lips forming the word. I could hear his voice saying it. I struggled to understand if it really happened. Bits of my dream surfaced. The garden, the way we ran on air, the way the earth seemed to be split into an area of life and an area of death - the look on Edward's face: unable to bring me with him to the place of life where he truly belonged, unwilling to let me go to the place of death, where he couldn't follow. Instead we wound up straddling that hideous crack, where one wrong move would spell our demise.

Could Edward really be an angel? I mentally listed the things I knew about him. He was impossibly fast, faster than any human could ever hope to be. He could tell where I was by feeling for my presence - I didn't know how he did it, but I'd seen it in action and there was no other explanation for the way he appeared. He was kind and gentle. He was passionate and innocent. He certainly smelled like heaven. And then there was the feather. One dazzling white feather, pure and gorgeous - and I couldn't find any type of bird that had a feather like it.

He wanted me to believe.

Was he my guardian? Was he a being that had been sent to protect me from the evils of the world. It would have been a pleasant thought if the help hadn't arrived many years too late. I'd navigated the horrors of my life well enough on my own. That's not to say that the idea was wholly without merit. I was bound to have more disasters come flying my way, Edward might just be my little ace in the hole - my little insurance card against the miseries of life. A girl could certainly get used to being helped by someone like Edward. If I believed in that sort of thing, it might be plausible.

If my memory served me correctly though, angels weren't always just sunshine and light. Sometimes they were harbingers of very bad tidings. They were also sometimes employed to tasks that weren't of the warm and fuzzy variety. I recalled the story of Adam and Eve, and the angel with a sword of flame that blocked their way back into the garden. Flaming swords were not something I had any interest in being involved with.

Where did that leave me? Where did that leave my parents? Jake? Where did that leave the world? Murder, wars, hunger, strife - if angels existed, what exactly was their purpose? These were questions that tugged at my mind. Questions that couldn't possibly have easy answers.

Edward let out a small sigh in his sleep. It was such a human thing to do.

I felt warm tears stinging my eyes. I had so many hard things to deal with in my life already, and I survived. I guarded my heart carefully, but it still worked. I cared, I hoped, I dreamed. I tried not to let the weight of my circumstances drag me down, but somehow - ever since Edward came into my life, the tears seemed to come more readily. Just being near him shattered all my defenses.

A quiet sob wracked my body and I realized that I was afraid. I was afraid to leave and afraid to stay. I was afraid that Edward had appeared in my life because there was more hardship on the horizon, and I didn't know how much more I could bear. I was afraid of the truth. And more than all of that, I was afraid that no amount of love I felt for him would be enough to bridge the gap between our worlds.

A warm hand rested gently on my back, rubbing soothing circles. The bed shifted as Edward sat up, the nearness of his body immediately effecting me. His arms wrapped around me and I melted into the comfort he so willingly offered. When my crying ceased, he gently kissed my forehead.

"I make you cry," he said, his voice laced with sadness. "My one goal is to make you happy and I make you cry."

I wanted to reassure him. I wanted to tell him that I was just overwhelmed, that it wasn't him. The words got stuck in my throat.

He scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. He stretched slightly, shaking off the last vestiges of sleep.

"I don't usually sleep. I don't need to, so it always seems like a waste of time. But tonight - I wanted to feel like I was with you, I wanted to feel like things weren't as difficult as they really are. It was incredibly peaceful to lie with you." His soothing voice wove into the darkness, covering me in a blanket of serenity.

"It wasn't you," I said when I found my voice. "You didn't make me cry."

He held me a bit closer. "Then what was it?"

"Everything, I guess. I had a strange dream, and then I woke up here, and I was … confused." I admitted.

"Are you upset that I didn't bring you home?"

"No. I like to be close to you."

He expelled a breath and it felt like some of the tension melted out of the room.

"You said you were confused. What are you confused about Bella?"

I knew where he was leading the conversation.

"You're an angel." It sounded more like a question than a statement of fact.

He rested his forehead on my shoulder. "I wasn't sure if you were going to remember. There are so many things I want to tell you. There is so much I want you to know." In a whisper he added, "I didn't know Bella, I didn't know."

"What?" I wasn't sure if I was even meant to hear.

"I didn't know that loving you would change everything."

I turned slightly, staying in the circle of his arms. I wondered if it would be difficult to be close to him now, knowing what he was. It wasn't difficult. It was just the same. My heart still soared, my breath quickened, my bones still felt like they were melting.

"You aren't supposed to, are you?" I already knew the answer.

"Love you?"

I nodded in response. Even though I was sure that he wasn't meant to love me, I wasn't sure how I felt about hearing it spoken out loud.

He moved a hand to my face and gently tilted my chin so that I was looking into his eyes. Even in the dark they were dazzling.

"Did you know that in certain deserts, when there is a sand storm the complete topography of the landscape changes. In no time at all, everything is different. Life is like that Bella. You know, probably better than most, that life changes in the blink of an eye. Maybe I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you - or maybe that was the plan all along, from the beginning of time. It doesn't really matter how things were supposed to be. You came into my life and the landscape changed completely. Everything is different because I love you."

"I love you, too." And I did. Not in a normal human way. Not in a way that I had ever loved anyone else in my life. I loved him desperately, as if he were my air.

His lips met mine then. It was a sweet kiss. All of our previous practicing paid off, for this kiss was about complete harmony. It was a kiss of love. The kiss of an angel and a human.

When he pulled back, there was a look of pure determination on his face. I smiled. For the briefest of moments I wondered if the fates that threw us together might let us have our happily ever after.

Edward stood and clicked on the small lamp near the bed. I blinked my eyes several times, trying to adjust to the sudden light. When I could finally see, I was shocked to find Edward unbuttoning his shirt. He noticed the apprehension in my eyes.

"I want to show you something."

He freed his wrists from the cuffs of the sleeves and then let the shirt fall down off his shoulders. He shook his arms free and the cloth landed silently on the floor. I had to remind myself to breathe. The hard lines of his body that had only been hinted at before, were now clearly exposed to my greedy eyes. Time seemed to slow as I carefully examined his biceps, shoulders, chest, abs - until I saw something that completely broke the spell his chiseled body was casting over me.

"You don't have a belly button!" I said incredulously.

He ran a hand down over his stomach and shrugged. "Angels aren't born. We're created. I don't have a mother. I was never connected to a woman by that human life-line, so no need for a belly button."

I felt my cheeks turn red as my eyes involuntarily peeked at the area near the zipper of his pants. There was definitely something there, at least I was pretty sure there was - and I was pretty certain Alice had a very nice pair of breasts. I wondered why they had all the equipment if they couldn't create children. Edward caught on to my train of thought. He let out a nervous laugh.

"Bella, do you think that everyone that has sex is only trying to create a child?"

I rolled my eyes at the question, of course that wasn't the case. In fact, people often went to great lengths to ensure that children weren't being created. That was when the light bulb went off in my brain. The equipment was for recreation, not procreation.

"Oh, I see." I said quietly. My cheeks felt like they were on fire.

He gave me smirk that seemed to question my response, but he let the matter drop.

"Close your eyes," he requested.

I let my eyes fall closed and hoped with all my might that he was going to show me his wings. I marveled at how quickly I had traveled the road from disbelief to total acceptance.

"Okay," he whispered, "open them."

I opened my eyes and knew instantly that the sight before me would forever be etched in my memory. Edward stood with his arms at his sides, his dark jeans hanging dangerously low on his hips, his hair in the most sexy sleep disarray - and his feathery wings stretched the length of the room. They were white and luminous and absolutely stunning.

Tears once again pricked my eyes. They weren't tears of anger or pain, they were the kind of tears you can't possibly contain when you see something so utterly pure and perfect. I wiped them away quickly, not willing to have anything obstruct the view. Edward's lips turned down into a frown, and I knew that tears were not his anticipated reaction.

"No, Edward, please - they aren't those kind of tears. I'm sorry, I can't help it. You are so beautiful. I can't really believe what I'm seeing. In all of my life I have never seen anything more wonderful."

My mouth hung open slightly as I continued to stare, completely in awe.

"Come closer, Bella." He smiled invitingly as I clambered off the bed to draw nearer to my angel.

My heart beat painfully hard as he held his hand out. I took it, letting him pull me in. The air around us churned as his wings swayed gently. I reached a hand out to touch the feathers. They were all exactly like the one in my apartment, impossibly soft and white. The smell of him was glorious as he stood before me in his full angel splendor.

"Where do they go? When I can't see them, where do they go?" I was curious.

As I watched, his wings slowly faded into nothing. I felt the air around me, expecting to be able to feel them, but there was nothing. It was a neat trick, to put it mildly. They were back a moment later.

"How?" I gasped.

"I can summon them when I have need of them. It really isn't convenient to always have them, especially on earth."

He folded his wings and they lay neatly over his back, making him look a bit like a dove.

"Grab your coat, I want to take you flying."

I remembered the dream I had, the one where he dropped me. I stood still, wondering how to proceed.

"Bella, are you alright?"

"You won't drop me?" I tried to sound like I was teasing.

He gave me a wounded look. "Bella, I would never let you fall."

His words were as good as a promise. I noticed that he said fall and I said drop - I let it go, deciding to trust in Edward rather than getting afraid because of semantics. I bundled myself in my coat and walked out the door with Edward. Edward was barefoot, and still without a shirt. His wings remained tucked close to his back and he whistled as he led me down the hall.

When we reached the street he swept me up in his arms. He took three running steps while his wings unfurled, and then we were flying.

The wind whipped my hair around my face. Edward's legs arced back and his wings kept up a strong, steady beating. It was effortless to him, like walking or breathing. We were soon well above the tops of the buildings, all the lights fading to pin-pricks in the distance. The air was cold all around me and I was glad I had grabbed my jacket. Edward's bare chest radiated warmth, and I snuggled in close, resting my cheek on his smooth skin.

I had no idea where we were going. It didn't matter. For now, we were together. That was enough.

The way the wind rushed around us made talking impossible. I did stare up into Edward's face and he looked so free. I could finally see him for what he really was. He was humming as we flew along. I could feel the vibrations through his chest. Flying with him was wonderful. If I had wings, I don't think I would ever walk.

Eventually we began to descend from the sky. I could tell that we were outside of the city. There were large shapes looming around us, and with some difficulty I was able to see that they were mountains. He flew us down among the trees until we came to a small clearing near a lake. The lake was like a shiny black mirror reflecting the stars and moon back at me, making it look like somehow everything flipped - which was pretty much how everything felt.

Edward set me down on my feet. I was surprised that there wasn't any snow on the ground, I could see bits glinting like diamonds near the tops of some of the large pines. The bits of grass were frozen, crunching under my feet. Edward wound his arms around me, pulling me close.

Then slowly and gently, he wrapped his wings around me. It was like being wrapped in a fluffy cloud, soft and comforting. How could I ever love another man after this? What else could earth have to offer me that could even come close to this?

"I come here a lot, to think and be alone. There won't be anyone around for miles. I know it's cold, I thought we could start a fire, and then talk."

"Okay." I agreed.

He left my side and quickly gathered up some fallen twigs and branches, gathering all the makings for a deluxe campfire. When he was happy with the arrangement of the wood, he pulled a lighter out of his pocket.

"Wait," I yelled. He was startled and nearly fell back.

"What is it?" he asked, concerned.

"Is that a lighter? You can't just 'make fire' or something amazing like that?"

He laughed out loud. "You really are absurd Bella. I could try rubbing two sticks together if you'd like, this will be much quicker though."

"No it's fine, proceed. I was just hoping for more of your magic."

The lighter flickered, the small flame seeming overly bright in all the dark space. In moments, the tinder caught fire, and soon there was a small fire burning before us.

Edward sat and pulled me down on his lap. He wrapped his wings around me, and between the fire and his warmth, I was as cozy as could be.

"You seem to be handling all of this very well." He started off. I wasn't sure if that was the case.

"I'm not sure that I've really processed it correctly. This all seems like a dream. I am in love with an angel who flies me into the mountains in the middle of the night to chat by a fire. It's a bit surreal."

His hands were in my hair, easing out the wind blown tangles. My body tingled from his touch.

"I'm an Angel of Justice, Bella. It is my job to be sure that the good and bad in the world stays balanced. When things tip too far to one side or another, an Angel of Justice is usually sent to right things. I know all that has happened in your life. Your mom, your dad, Jacob. Even the smallest details are known to me."

"How does that work? How do you know so many things about me?"

"When we are given a task, we are also given a small item that belonged to the person. It unlocks all the history we need to know in order to regain balance. I was given a small clip that your mother used to place in your hair when you were a little girl. It's in a box back in my room."

I smiled, happy to know that something of mine from a happier time had survived.

"How come things get so out of balance? Why don't the angels stop some of the bad things from happening in the first place?"

"The world is made up of opposing forces. Night and day, life and death, joy and sorrow. Each one feeds off of the other. In spite of how much angels do, fate still plays a part. Sometimes horrible things just happen. And sometimes wonderful things happen after. You've just had the lion's share of the bad, which is why I was sent here."

"But why now?"

"Because it was the right time. I trust in that Bella, it is what I live by. Angels are sent to intervene at exactly the right time, always. Just because we can't always understand the timing, that doesn't make it less perfect."

"So how does all this work. Are you supposed to make me fall in love with you and then suddenly all the other people I love being gone isn't supposed to be so bad." I stiffened in his arms, not liking the direction all of this was going. If he thought that my heart was a plaything, he was sadly mistaken.

"I was sent to give you the desire of your heart." He spoke the words carefully, not wishing to upset me further.

My heart's desire? What was that, exactly? I thought it over, and immediately longed for my parents. If I could see them again, hug them, tell them how very much I loved them. If I could see Jake, whole and unharmed. If I could have that part of my life back, that is what I would want. But they were gone, so that was impossible. And where did Edward fit in? I loved him, more than I thought I was capable of. But he was an angel and I was not, so that seemed impossible too.

Edward let out a pained groan and hastily pushed me off his lap. I watched in stunned silence as he paced near the fire, his hand ripping angrily through his hair.

"What's wrong?"

"How can I give you what you want? Do you understand what I need to do so you can see your parents again? That was the plan all along, Bella. I was going to make a way for you to be with your parents, to see Jake. It was supposed to be so easy. The balance would be restored and my job would be finished."

I couldn't respond to his words. How did he know that I immediately thought of my parents? How could he know those things that were so deep inside of me, never spoken aloud.

Did I understand what would need to happen to see my parents? They were dead.

My eyes flew open wide. They were dead. Edward's plan - 'the plan all along' - was to kill me. He said it was supposed to be easy. Easy.

I had curled up in his arms tonight as we flew, love overwhelming my heart. I didn't know those magical wings would fly me to my death.

Edward stopped walking. The fire light glowed on his face and I was stunned to see that his beautiful face was transformed into something completely different. It wasn't anger - it wasn't something that struck fear into my heart. It was pain and sadness. He looked broken. He looked like all the beautiful light inside of him had gone out.

"I love you. Whether I was meant to or not, it happened. And I can't bear the thought of a world that you are not alive and shining in."

Unbidden, tears poured from my eyes. My heart was breaking for him.

The tears were too much for him. With an anguished cry he ran off into the woods. There was a beat of silence followed by loud crashing and banging far off in the distance. Then it was quiet again.

I sat alone in the silence. The fire still burned, but the chill that ran through me couldn't be warmed by the flames. I should be terrified. I was alone on this mountain in the middle of nowhere. Edward planned to restore the balance by taking my life. All of these things should have paralyzed me with fear.

Instead, I ached for the tortured angel that had run off into the woods. I loved him. My parents and Jacob had been my life, but life continued on without them. Edward wasn't the only one that had been effected by the love we shared. It changed me as well. As I thought of his beautiful face, I knew the things my heart desired most were changing.

Every semblance of self-preservation fled my body. The least I could do was try to make this easier for him. If he really had to do this, if he had no choice, then I would face it bravely. I would lay myself at his feet like a sacrificial lamb. I would give him my heart and he could take my life.

The fire burned lower. The woods were still silent around me. I pulled my jacket tighter around me, and waited to die.

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Thanks for reading. Take care, love C.


	10. Promises

_AN: The bad news - it has taken me forever to update. Sorry! The good news - I've been typing like mad and you will be getting consistent updates from here on out._

_To: BLilTXgirl and readingmama and anyone else who has gone a bit crazy reading nearly everything I've posted on fanfic. I truly adore you._

_Thanks to those who continue pimping this story, especially Lillie Cullen (check out her recs over at secret-twilight-garden(dot)blogspot(dot)com). She inspires Jasper love, which is always a good thing._

_miaokuancha: my super wonderful beta - I give you sandy oysters and you send me back pearls. Thanks. _

_SamAn.....Happy Birthday to you....luv u bb._

_Disclaimer: Twilight and related characters are the creation of Stephenie Meyer. No infringment intended._

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Chapter 10 - Promises

(_Edward_)

The new day would be dawning soon. The sky was already a shade lighter. You could count on the sun always rising. No matter what else might be happening, the world would still turn and the sun would still come up.

I finally had myself under control. It had taken a long while. Being near Bella was bringing out my more human emotions, and I was struggling to deal with the force of them. I rarely suffered bouts of true anger, but tonight it had spewed forth like a waterfall of rage. More than one tree was no longer standing.

I thought of her, cold and alone at the edge of the forest. She wasn't like me. She felt the cold acutely. I wanted to go to her badly, so much so that it caused a painful ache in my chest. I wanted to go to her, and I wanted her to run to me. I wanted her to throw her arms around me and kiss me. I wanted to taste her mouth and feel her skin.

I wanted her. I was selfish. Loving her had filled me from the inside out. It gave me dimension I never had before. After all I'd done, she couldn't possibly love me back, and it would leave me empty and lifeless once more.

I had made mistake after mistake when it came to Bella. I had been so sure that I knew what was best for her, but time after time I was proven wrong. I pictured her face in the firelight after she realized that I had meant to take her life. She was so afraid of me. It was all headed off track. I wanted her love, not her fear.

I thought of all the possible scenarios that Alice had shown me. I couldn't imagine one of them coming to light now. The problem was that I knew now that I couldn't take Bella's life. No matter how painlessly, no matter how planned. I could not be responsible. I had to find another way. I was never bound to take Bella's life. I was bound to restore balance. I had seen a flicker of the love Bella held for me when the desire of her heart flashed into my mind, but a flicker simply wasn't enough.

Angels aren't allowed to shirk tasks. We are bound by duty to accomplish what is set before us. To deviate is to risk being cast out. I gave a shudder at the thought of those angels. They were no better than demons, wandering with no sense of purpose. They lived to inflict pain and misery, tormenting others - just as their souls were tormented. I had to complete this task, there wasn't another option. The question before me now was 'how?'.

I had bared myself before Bella. I had told her all the things that I shouldn't have. And then I had fled. Only to sit for hours thinking about how I could fix it all. Unfortunately, my thoughts seemed to swirl around Bella - her face, her eyes, the smell of her hair, the feel of her small hand held safely in mind. I couldn't seem to focus.

So I flew back to her. She held my thoughts and my peace, my very sanity and salvation, in the palm of her hand. I couldn't puzzle through any of this without being near her. I glided out of the tree I was perched in and quickly made my way to where she waited.

The fire I had started was burnt down to embers. She huddled close to the glowing coals, her hands held inches above them, absorbing the last of the warmth. I hated myself for leaving her for so long.

I was overcome with panic as I watched her. What would her eyes hold when she looked at me? Hatred, fear, pain? Would she be able to forgive me?

I moved into the clearing. I didn't speak, but I knew she was alerted to my presence by the way her shoulders tensed. She didn't get up. She didn't turn towards me. She simply sat as if she were waiting for something. I had no choice but to go to her.

I knelt down in front of her. Gently, I took her hands into mine. They were as cold as ice. Worried that she had gone into shock, I began rubbing her hands vigorously with my own. Her head remained down, her eyes hidden from me.

"Bella, are you okay?" I was originally relieved that she hadn't run away from me in horror, but her silence and stillness were unnerving.

She still didn't respond.

Ideas played over in my mind. Gather more wood for the fire, fly her home, hold her, take her to the hospital. I didn't know which option was the best choice. For all of my plans for ending her life, the panic I was feeling at something being wrong with my precious Bella spoke volumes. I placed a hand gently under her chin and carefully lifted her face. Her eyes were puffy from crying and ringed with dark circles from exhaustion. They didn't hold fear or revulsion as I had worried they would. Instead, they held some sort of strange resolve that I couldn't decipher. I used the pad of my thumb to gently run over her cheeks. The normal crimson that seemed to permanently stain them was missing. She looked frail and pale.

I made up my mind to bring her home. I was going to scoop her up and get her back to her apartment and into a hot shower. She needed warmth and comfort and it didn't look like she was going to put up a fight.

"I won't fight you." She whispered suddenly.

I was taken aback. Had she been able to tell what I was thinking? My moment of confusion ended when she spoke again.

"I won't fight you if you need to kill me. Please make it as painless as possible. There are worse ways to go. Dying by the hand of the one I love shouldn't be so bad. I love you, and if you need to do this, then do it."

She looked at me with pleading eyes. She meant it. Every word that she spoke, she meant. This fragile beauty, this shining sunburst in my life, this wondrous girl that I loved was offering her life to me. She loved me, in spite of all that I was and all that I intended to do. She loved me and was willing to sacrifice herself to make things easier for me.

I had no context for this type of love. Her selflessness pierced me. I could only stare in amazement. If I chose to stay the course she couldn't stop me. She had no hope of fighting me off or outrunning me. There was no where that she could hide that I couldn't track her. There was no escape if I chose to take her life. But she wasn't going to fight or run or hide. She was going to sit by a dying fire and accept it - come what may.

I had no choice but to pull her close into my arms. She left her arms hanging limp at her sides. I held her and kissed her hair and breathed her in as I gently rocked her.

"Bella, brave, beautiful Bella. Don't you see that I could never harm you now? Maybe, the first time I ever saw you, maybe before I ever spoke to you - maybe then it could have been possible. But now, Bella - now I could never let anything happen to you. I was trying to tell you, I was trying to make you understand that loving you made it impossible. I couldn't take your life without ripping out my own beating heart. I can't survive in a world where you don't exist. You are my life now. I will find some other way to make this right."

Bella's cold hands gripped the sides of my jeans suddenly. She pressed her cheek to my chest and held on to me for dear life. She was mumbling something, but I couldn't hear, her voice was muffled by her hair and my skin.

"What?" I asked her, wanting to know what she was saying.

She tilted her face up and looked me in the eye. Her brown eyes were deep with emotion.

"I don't want to die. I can't survive without you either."

I reached out with my senses and was surprised to find that her heart's desire wasn't so clear anymore. There was still a longing for her family, but pulling even harder at her heart was a desire to be with me. Alice was right, things were changing. They may have started to shift faster when Bella fully realized what would need to happen in order to be reunited with her family. I couldn't be sure. I thought that leaving her alone and all the truths I revealed to her would make her hate me. To see that she still cared for me, to hear her say it - it felt too good to be true.

"I am sorry that I left you here for so long. You bring out all these human emotions in me, and because they are so new and fresh, they sometimes overwhelm me. I didn't know what to do with all the anger and fear I was feeling. I shouldn't have left you here, cold and alone. Please forgive me."

She was still looking up at me and nodded. "I forgive you."

I leaned down slightly and gently kissed her forehead.

"I'm going to take you home. You need to get warmed up."

Her face was still upturned, so I leaned in and gently kissed her lips. I wasn't sure if such a thing was appropriate at the moment, but I needed that connection to her. Her lips moved with mine willingly.

There had to be more time. I needed more time with her, more smiles, more sighs, more blushes, more kisses. I would find another way, because I needed more.

I held Bella around her waist and flew into the air. As we flew over the lake, I dipped low and her feet skimmed over the thin layer of ice atop it. She let out a gentle laugh at the sensation so I did it again. It was as if she was skating on air, and she stretched her arms out to the sides as the wind glided over her fingertips. I caught a glimpse of her reflection in the glassy surface - her hair was fanned out in the wind, and my wings stretched out behind her. It looked like she was an angel floating on the breeze. The image took my breath away.

Bella with wings.

(_Bella_)

The spray of the shower pattered off of my back. The water was hot and I liked the feeling of the warmth melting into my skin. I was surprised that the hot water was still holding out. I'd been in for a while and the bathroom was filled with dense clouds of steam.

I thought of Edward sitting on the couch in the living room. He promised he wouldn't leave. The thought of him so close while I was in here, naked and vulnerable, was both exciting and distressing. It caused my skin to break out in goose bumps that had little to do with the cold outside or the comforting warmth of the shower, and a lot to do with the sense of longing that Edward's proximity always seemed to induce. I dried off and wrapped my hair in a towel. I pulled on my old comfy sweats and a ratty t-shirt.

The long hot shower and fresh change of clothes made me feel like a human being again. It was Sunday, which meant I didn't have to work. I needed that. My brain needed an expanse of empty time to process all the unbelievable events of the past days.

I opened the bathroom door, the thick fog of steam following me into my bedroom. I grabbed a sweater from my closet and a thick pair of socks. In spite of the hot water, the chill from my night outside hadn't quite left my bones.

Edward was still sitting on the couch. His long legs were stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles. His head was leaned back and his eyes were closed.

Now that I knew what he really was, I could see the subtle differences. The perfect planes of his face, the flawless skin, the symmetry of it all worked together to point to the fact that Edward was simply something more than just human. I pictured in my mind the way that he had looked when he revealed his wings to me. In that moment all the pieces had just fallen into place. His beauty. His strange shyness. The way he had appeared in my life, as if from nowhere. The feather. Believe. Seeing him standing there with those shining wings had seemed like the most logical thing in all the world.

And yet he had come into my life to end it. To end me. How could I still be so overcome with love for him, now that I knew the truth? I knew what he was and what his intentions were, and I still wanted him like air.

All through that long shower, surrounded by the pure clouds of steam, my mind had wrestled with this question. Until, at last, it surrendered an answer.

I had always clung to the memory of my family, of Jake, because there was nothing else in this world for me. Everyone I loved was gone and it felt like the future stretched before me in a haze of lonely days. Something had happened when I moved though, something I hadn't realized until I was forced to examine the state of my life. When I moved, when I made a conscious effort to start over, it had happened. I had a job, I had Esme and Mike and now Edward and Alice and Jasper. There were people that counted on me, that cared about me. I had a life again.

If Edward had come to take my life after Jake's death, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. I had been cavalier enough to throw myself off a cliff then. It had seemed so cruel that the sun continued to rise every morning, mocking my pain.

I smiled as I remembered Edward's words about the timing being perfect. It was perfect. He came into my life when I started having a life. I let him in, something I never would have done just a few months back.

He still had his eyes closed. I felt a sudden pang of nervousness in my stomach. When I wasn't in his presence, the thought of Edward, of what he was, was so foreign and strange; the thought of loving him nothing short of surreal. Then I would see him. I would gaze at his beautiful face and stare into his kind eyes and all those worries just vanished. When I was with Edward, when he smiled at me or reached out to touch me - those were the moments when all the world was right.

He opened his eyes and turned towards me. He didn't smile. He looked a bit anxious.

"Hey," he said in a quiet voice, that still seemed to echo in my bare apartment.

"Hi," I said back, shyly.

He noticed my sweater and thick socks.

"Did the shower help? You look like you're still cold." He held out a hand toward me and I bridged the distance between us quickly, sitting down close to him on the couch.

His arm slipped over my shoulders and he nestled me into his side. I drank in his warmth.

"I'm feeling a little better. I'm tired." I yawned the last part.

"I can't apologize enough for leaving you out in the cold. I don't usually behave so foolishly. I guess love really does make one do crazy things."

I gave a half-hearted chuckle to his attempt at humor. Leaning in to his warm side after my body had relaxed in the shower was quickly putting me to sleep. I stifled another yawn.

Before I realized what was happening, Edward had scooped me up off the couch and was carrying me toward my bedroom. He set me down on my bed and I patted the spot next to me.

"It's much cozier when you're close to me." I told him.

He smiled his most dazzling smile and lay on the bed next to me.

"You've been through a lot in the past day Bella. Get some sleep, your body needs it. I'll never forgive myself if you get sick because of my stupidity." He leaned in to my lips and gave me a sweet kiss.

The fragrance of his breath, the warmth of his body and the comfort of his presence were a perfect tranquilizer for my overstressed brain. In moments I drifted off to a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

Sometime later, I woke to the sound of a door closing. I sat upright and looked around. Edward wasn't in my bed. The daylight had faded and the sky outside my window was already darkening.

I heard a rummaging sound. - like someone going through items in a bag. This was followed by the sounds of cabinets and drawers opening and shutting. I wondered if I should be concerned about who was in my kitchen, but then I smelled food. My stomach growled and I decided to be unconcerned, if it wasn't Edward, at least they brought something to eat.

Sure enough, a moment later, Edward appeared in the bedroom doorway, his arms laden with little boxes of Chinese food. He was also carrying plates and napkins.

"I was hoping to make it back before you woke up. I thought you might be hungry, and I thought you might have some questions for me. I thought we could have a little picnic here on your bed."

He set down all the items he was carrying and headed back to the kitchen. He returned with two tall glasses of ice water. Again I wondered how he could seem so human, how I could feel so comfortable with this man, this angel.

I helped him situate everything on the bed.

We sat opposite one another with our legs crossed and plates in our laps.

"I didn't know what you liked, so I got a little of everything."

He certainly had, there was enough food for an army. I had a sneaking suspicion that he planned it that way, because now I would have extra leftovers for a few days. I couldn't get used to the way he anticipated my every need.

Once my plate was piled with food, I pulled the little chopsticks they had included in the bag out of their paper wrapper. Edward reached for a fork.

"No you don't. You have to use the chopsticks!" I said quickly.

He gave me an appraising look, as if he wasn't sure if I was serious or not.

I laughed at his apprehension and threw him the other pair of sticks. I showed him how to use them more than once, but it was hopeless. He tried, but couldn't get one piece of food into his mouth. He looked like he was getting incredibly frustrated, something I hadn't seen before - and it was adorable. I took pity on him and picked a piece of chicken up off my plate and held it out to him. He leaned in and ate the offered food.

Then he set his plate in front of me and allowed me to feed him the rest of his meal. I didn't anticipate it being such a sensual experience, but it was. It gave me permission to stare at his beautiful mouth. I was able to watch, completely unashamed as he delicately tasted the sauce on some vegetables before granting them entrance. He kept his eyes on my face for every bite, smiling sweetly as he licked his lips in delightful little sweeps. It was the tenderest and most innocent seduction imaginable, and I felt my insides coming undone. For someone from the heavenly realms he certainly seemed to have a pretty good grasp on the carnal.

I began to wonder if I would even live through dinner.

Edward interrupted my wayward thoughts. "Is everything okay, Bella? You have a strange look on your face."

I really didn't want to explain the silly grin I was sporting, and suddenly felt as if I had been caught with both hands in the cookie jar.

"I'm fine. Let me get this cleaned up and put away and then we can talk, if you'd like."

He nodded. He helped me gather everything and put it away. The remnants of our feast looked very lonely in my nearly empty fridge.

We sat back down on the small couch. I had let questions bounce around in my brain all through our dinner. I was anxious to get some answers.

"Where do you get your money from?" It wasn't the most pressing concern I had, but I was incredibly curious. If Jasper, Alice and Edward had such nice things, how did they pay for them?

He gave me a sidelong glance that told me he hadn't been anticipating this particular question. He looked amused, as if he couldn't believe I would ask something so trivial.

"You have a beautiful apartment, nice clothing, money to spare. Yes I am curious where you get it. Is there some sort of Angel Savings and Loan or something?"

"This is one question I actually don't know the answer to. We have accounts at a regular bank. I've never really thought about how the money gets in there, but there is always more than enough. It's a good question, I guess." He shrugged and shook his head.

I had to laugh at his answer. I wished that would happen to my checking account, great sums of money appearing from the heavens. I filed that wish in the 'don't hold your breath' file.

"Okay. How about this one - do all angels have last names?"

He shifted a bit, causing the cushion to tilt and me to slip closer to his side. I had a feeling he knew where I might be going with this question, and he didn't look like he wanted to answer.

"Angels are given a name. A first name. We usually take a last name for use on the earth. It helps us appear more normal when we have the same type of name or phone number or bank account as everyone else. Humans question things less when they fit into whatever norms they're used to."

It seemed like a reasonable explanation. I had been easily impressed by his fancy business card, and I was sure others would be as well. I noticed that he had said that they choose their own last name.

"Why did you choose to be called Edward Cullen?" I had been wondering about this from the time he told me his last name was Cullen. It was probably a complete coincidence. Cullen is not a very rare last name, but the fact that I worked with an Esme Cullen certainly made the name stand out to me.

He let out a breath and shook his head. He was grimacing.

"Don't you have any easy questions? Wouldn't you like to know if I prefer flying to walking?"

I waited for his answer.

He finally started to speak, starting quietly but gaining volume as he went. "Angels are created. I was never a baby, I was created this size and shape and will stay the same until I die one day. People can't become angels. There isn't some legion of departed souls with white robes and halos, playing harps on clouds because they lived good lives and became angels when they died. It doesn't work that way."

My eyes stayed glued to his, rapt with attention to the story he was telling.

"We are created from great acts of humanity. Nearly every angel knows their origin, and it often has a part in the type of angel they become. Alice was created when an author penned the final line of a book that would go on to influence the world for centuries to come. It was a story about the past that impacted people at the present time it was written, as well as many other generations down the line. Alice is an Angel of Possibility, she sees what has happened and what may yet be."

I nodded to show that I was listening. I didn't want to interrupt. The story was too fascinating.

"Jasper is an Angel of Valor. He has the ability to make people do the impossible. When a father lifts a car off of their child, or a firefighter rushes back into a blazing building to search for more survivors - that is the mark of an angel like Jasper. It costs him dearly to put a little of his strength into their hearts, but it never stops him from doing what's right. He was created when a soldier ran back into enemy fire in order to drag out a man that was down. The soldier lost his arm, but saved his friend."

It was quiet for a moment. I tried to process the powerful stories of Alice and Jasper. It was strangely moving to know that life, everyday normal life, had power over the divine. The knowledge that human triumph was responsible for the souls of angels filled me with a sense of hope. It was a knowledge I wished more people could have the opportunity to understand.

I was aware that Edward hadn't divulged his own story.

"Those are incredible stories. Thank you for telling me about Alice and Jasper. I feel closer to them now. Somehow knowing those things makes everything about them seem clearer."

A tender smile graced his lips. His love for his two friends shone in his eyes.

"I am still waiting to hear your story, Edward." I had a feeling he had tried to throw me off track. It wasn't going to work.

He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at it with a bit more force than necessary.

"How much do you know about Carlisle and Esme Cullen?" He asked.

"Not too much. I know he's a doctor. She's been at the library for several years. She's very motherly, even though she doesn't have any children of her own. That's about it." My curiosity was definitely piqued.

"Esme had been married before she met Carlisle. She married very young, and it wasn't a happy marriage. It ended very badly. She's a rare creature, Bella - a bit like you. It would have been easy for her to let life pull her down, but she never let any of the bad things change her heart. She has an amazing capacity for love. She met and married Carlisle and they have lived a life to rival the greatest love stories of all time. They always wanted to have a child of their own, but it wasn't meant to be."

He was quiet then as the wheels of my mind turned frantically. I thought I could guess what he was getting at, but it seemed too amazing to be possible.

"That is why I chose to be called Edward Cullen. My soul arose from their love. That's also how I became an Angel of Justice. I was their balance. What they had not attained on earth, they attained in my realm."

I sat staring at him, my mouth agape, as I tried to get over the shock of his statement. I wondered if Edward might want to consider limiting the number of earth shattering revelations he let loose in a twenty-four hour period.

"You're telling me that if you were human, you'd be Esme's son?' I asked when I'd finally recovered my voice.

He pondered a moment. "I'm not sure that it works that way. I was created from the amazing love that they share, not just their desire to have a child."

"Have they ever met you?"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "and they can never know Bella. I've told you these things in confidence, because I trust you." He sounded deeply serious.

I had to suppress a slight chuckle. "Not to worry. I wasn't really planning on telling too many people about the whole angel thing. Partly on the count of them not believing anything I say."

We sat silently for several minutes, my mind working furiously, trying to digest this latest piece of incredible information. The words he had first presented me with - 'just believe'- were fast becoming my mantra. There was simply nothing else for me to do. I had little choice but to accept the things he told me at face value, and to believe them. It was not an easy task.

"How were you planning to kill me?" I had a desire to know the macabre details.

He cupped my cheek with his hand and looked deep into my eyes. The sadness reflected there was so deep that I had to look away. I could still feel his eyes on me, could still feel the intensity of his gaze.

"If I were to live forever, I still do not think I could ever come up with a clear enough way to show you how sorry I am. I can't answer that question. I don't have an answer, nothing was ever set in stone - and it doesn't matter now, because I would never ever harm you. I would stand in the path of anything that meant to hurt you."

"I'm going to die someday."

He didn't have a response for that statement.

I could sense that he was heading into a zone of serious brooding. I wanted more answers, so I decided to head into some lighter territory.

"Why do you like to be barefoot?" Edward rarely wore shoes. In public, when it would be noticed, he did. The moment that it was safe to bare his tootsies, the shoes were off.

"Why? Don't you like my feet?" He asked, as he lifted his foot and wiggled his toes at me.

In my opinion, feet were feet, although I had to admit, his were pretty cute and perfect - like every other inch of him.

I held out a hand, gesturing for him to just answer the question.

"I have extra senses. One of which is the ability to take information from the vibrations of the ground. It helps to give a much clearer picture of my surroundings, and about what is heading towards or away from my location. It's a bit like an electric current that spreads up my feet and through my body."

I got up from the couch and he looked at me with curiosity.

"So this is like some sort of 'spidey sense'? I want to test it out, see it in action. Put your feet down."

He followed my direction, confused.

I stood in front of him and began jumping up and down, slamming my feet into the floor. Then I tip-toed in circles for a bit. I finished by moving into an area where there were no obstacles and turning an awkward cart- wheel. I sat back down next to Edward, my breathing slightly heavy. He looked highly amused.

"So?" I asked.

"So what?"

"What was that like for you?"

"Oh. Well, it was interesting. Although, your experiment was a bit flawed. I was a bit too distracted by the visual to really pay attention to much else."

I looked down and realized I wasn't wearing a bra. I crossed my arms over my chest, my cheeks flaming with color.

His arm snaked around me once more, and his warm breath near my ear made my neck tingle. "You are incredibly beautiful."

I stood and refilled his water glass in the kitchen. Which led to my next question.

"How come you're always thirsty? I have watched you drink gallons."

"Finally, some easier things to answer. You are quite a curious girl aren't you?"

"It's one of my more endearing traits."

"I told you once that I get dehydrated easily. That is true, but it only happens here on earth. In my realm I don't need to eat or drink. Here I have to drink all the time. Jasper likes to joke and say that humanity sucks our souls dry. Really, it's just not the place that is best suited for us. All the drinking helps stave off the negative effects of being here. The longer we stay on earth the more severe the toll on our bodies."

I didn't like this response. It highlighted the differences between us, and it showed me clearly that Edward could never just stay with me. I couldn't understand how he could believe we could love one another, that we could be together, if he couldn't even live on earth.

All the other questions led me to this one. It was the hardest for me to ask, but also the one that I found most important. Edward seemed to sense the change in my posture, and he leaned closer, aware that what I said next would be important.

"Can this work out? I want you in my heart and in my life, but when I hear you talk about all the ways that we are different - when I hear you say that you can't live on earth, I don't know how we can do this. I've already realized that we can't have the kind of life that a man and woman would normally have - you won't grow old, we could never have a child, there would be so many things in our life that are shrouded in secrecy. I could find a way to get past that, but I can't find a way to get through my life without you, and now I feel like you're saying you can't stay. It isn't fair. I don't want you to take my life. I loved my parents and Jake, I still do - but I don't want to die to be with them. I want to live and be with you."

He took my hand and held it over his heart. I could feel the steady beat beneath my palm.

"Do you feel that Bella?"

I nodded.

"My heart beats just like yours. I love to read and listen to music. I like to drink coffee and take walks with you, holding your hand in mine. I take showers and cook food. I love to watch the sunset and take in all the beauty around me. And more than all of that, I love to be near you and feel the way my body responds to yours, the crazy, uncontrollable desire that being with you floods me with. That's who I am Bella, and I don't think any of those things are too different for you. We're more alike than different. I will find a way to stay with you. I will make a way, if I have to."

"How is it possible that I could learn, in the course of a day, that you are an angel and that you planned to take my life - and yet my only fear is losing you. I should be angry or scared. I should be confused. Instead I want you to wrap me in your arms and never let me go. What's wrong with me?"

Edward pondered my words. He was so beautiful as he sat there, almost blindingly so. His eyes met mine and he answered. "Alice would probably say that the reason you feel that way is because whatever this is between us was always meant to be. I would say that I'm starting to wonder if the thing you needed to balance your life was me."

I held the tears back, not wanting to mar the night by crying. If he believed he could make a way, then I would believe that too. What choice did I have? When he cradled me in his arms and flew me home this morning, I already knew that my heart was making its choice. The only thing I could do now was follow.

It was getting late. I could feel all the stress of the past days dragging me down. I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to continue to pick apart Edward. It truly didn't matter. Being close to him did exactly what he described, it filled me with uncontrollable desire. The more times he kissed me, the more times he touched me, every one left me wanting more.

I got up reluctantly, to move toward my room, and rest. Would he follow, too? I wanted him to follow. To stay. He could sense where I was at every moment. Could he also sense what I felt? "Come," I whispered. "Stay."

The words barely left my lips and he was in front of me. I hadn't even seen him move. His hands gripped me firmly at my hips and he lifted me off the ground. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pushed me back into the wall. His mouth was frantic against mine. His lips pressed to mine and I felt like I would be engulfed by his warmth. It was as if he was trying to prove the truth of his words through his touch.

My breathing picked up as he swept his lips up my neck. He was eating me, just as he had eaten the morsels of food I had offered him earlier, and I was completely at his mercy. There was little I could do but tilt my head to the side to offer him greater access. He lifted his mouth to mine once again and the taste of his mouth and tongue made me moan. I twined my fingers into his hair, loving the soft feel of the strands as they slipped between my fingertips.

"I love you Bella." He spoke between kisses.

I realized we were moving. He was heading toward the bed while I remained wrapped around him.

My room was dark. We lay side by side, and I could just make out the form of his body next to mine. Our hands explored carefully. We settled into languorous kisses. The frenzy from the hall had settled into something deeper and sweeter as we lay in the dark. He poured his soul into each kiss, and I felt the waves of his love breaking over my body.

"Do you promise me you will find a way?" I asked breathlessly, when Edward's lips lifted from mine.

"Find a way?" Edward responded, equally breathless.

"Promise me you will find a way to stay with me." I had to know. My heart was raw and broken, and I needed to know he would keep it safe.

He took my hand and pressed it to his heart again. He covered it with both of his. When he spoke, it held the seal of an oath.

"My Bella, I promise you that I will make a way to stay with you. No power of my realm, or here on earth will keep me from you. I will find a way to stay with you and love you and protect you for as long as I live."

Once again I chose to believe. As we lay there in the silence I could feel parts of my heart healing. I could also feel parts of my heart tying me closer still to Edward.

He kissed me softly. With that gentle kiss he sealed the words he had spoken to me so solemnly.

For the first time in a very long time I found comfort in the future, in spite of my past.

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_Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review this story. All your thoughts are precious to me. Love, C_


	11. A Dance as Old as Time

**Disclaimer: Twilight and all related characters are the creation of Stephenie Meyer. No infringement is intended.**

**Thanks ever so much to my beta miaokuancha. You work incredible magic. **

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A Dance as Old as Time

(_Bella)_

Edward had told me that he seldom sleeps, but occasionally through the night I woke to find him dozing next to me. He was resplendent in sleep. All the lines of his face were soft and relaxed. He looked younger somehow, the echo of a boy he had never been.

I snuggled in closer. On such a cold night and dawn as this I was grateful for his presence. He wasn't just warm. He seemed to seep some sort of radiance. It was a warmth that penetrated my body, and I drank it in. I closed my eyes and drifted back to sleep, hoping to dream of Edward, to never be separated, whether asleep or awake.

Later, I woke again, with the first rays of winter sun slanting in through the window, and me warm and content in his arms. I wanted to wake this way every morning, with Edward smiling down at me with tender eyes, just as he was doing right now.

While I showered, Edward hurried home and changed. He was back and making coffee in my kitchen before I was dressed. The happy, simple domesticity of it left me smiling all the way to the library. I kissed Edward soundly before heading in to work, and he promised he would be waiting for me on the steps when it was time to go home. It seems that in the past few days we had unknowingly settled into a wonderful pattern, where I slept in his arms and he walked me back and forth to the library. It was a beautiful shred of normal in our unearthly relationship, and I treasured it.

In the evening, after work, we walked home in the bitter wind and I began to wonder if the winter would ever end. When I moved here, I hadn't much cared, and the weather had seemed to match my mood. Now, the stirrings of love in my body made it ache for sun and warm breezes and green.

Soon, we were settled in my apartment, warm mugs of tea on the table, and my family photo albums spread around us. I had been thinking more about my parents lately. I recalled funny stories, happy times, and special events that we shared as a family. Being with Edward was softening the edges, so that when I though of them now, my mind didn't immediately bring their deaths to the forefront.

We started with the book that contained pictures of my baby and toddler years. I couldn't remember back that far, but I did know all the stories associated with each picture. I wondered how accurate those stories were now, shaped and fashioned as they were, by the gentle tug of time.

We were stopped at a picture from when I was two years old. It was Christmas and I had on a red dress, with a matching bow in my hair. In the picture, the dress was fanned out around my legs - I was sure I had been twirling around to get it to do that. I was smiling. It had been a simpler world then.

Edward was eyeing the picture with rapt attention.

"What is it?" I asked, gently.

He tore his eyes away and gave me a slight smile, barely a twitch of his beautiful lips. "Even then you had an incredible smile."

I could feel my cheeks pinking a bit.

I was careful not to take out any books from after my mom was killed. Tonight was a night for remembering the happy times. It was obvious from all the happy faces in the pictures that I had led a wonderful childhood, up to a point. Edward often stopped to question me about particular things; why someone was laughing, who someone was, where the picture was taken - he was an attentive and wonderful audience. He seemed completely fascinated by every facet of my childhood. It took me little time to understand why - he had never been human, or a child. Losing a tooth, learning to ride a bike, birthday parties - milestones that every child lives for were strange rituals to Edward.

"Children are amazing. They are the closest thing to angels in the human world. They are innocent, untainted by the evil in the world. They have an amazing capacity for love, forgiveness and hope. They are resilient and curious. You are a clear example of that. I saw the way you were after your mother died. You were still able to find the good in life, you worked so hard to make your father happy. Even now, after everything that has happened to you , Bella - you still have hope, you still have a heart full of love. You still find the good."

"But I'm not a child anymore Edward. I've learned that the world can be a very cold and lonely place."

"That's my point. You know better than most people how hard things can be, but somehow I am still sitting here with you, and you love me. I can feel it when I'm with you, as if it were a tangible thing. The ability of your heart to survive, to forgive, to trust - to love, it's amazing to me. Sometimes I wonder if things got confused, and you're really the one that's an angel."

I had no reply for him.

The next evening there seemed to be something different about Edward. As we walked back to my apartment he seemed to be filled with nervous energy. He was fidgety and strangely talkative. For a moment I wondered if he had binged on coffee, but then I remembered that caffeine had little effect on him.

"Is everything alright, Edward?" His behavior was unsettling enough that it merited me asking.

He came to a halt at the steps of my building and pondered the question for a beat.

"I'm not sure. I feel a bit strange, like everything is buzzing. I'm not sure what it is."

I worried that he might be ill. He had stated that angels aren't meant to stay on the earth for long periods, that it can effect their health. I took a moment to study him. He didn't look ill, in fact, he looked more vibrant than usual.

"Are you sick?"

"No. I can't get sick. The effects of spending too much time on earth are different. That leaves you feeling drawn and exhausted, like all your energy is slowly seeping away. This is different. I feel … expectant."

"Expectant?" I questioned.

We had reached my apartment. When the door was closed behind us, Edward pulled me close and let his lips dance over mine. Whatever he was feeling was contagious. I was suddenly feeling giddy, too.

"Yes Bella. I feel expectant; eager, hopeful, excited! I have no idea why, but it's wonderful."

He kissed me again, as if to prove just how wonderful he was feeling.

As the night went on, Edward continued to do a spot-on impression of a child awaiting Christmas morning. He was nearly bouncing off the walls. It made for an interesting night, though I couldn't help but be confused about the cause for all of it. It seemed such an odd contrast to the night before. We had sat and looked through old photo albums, such a human activity. Tonight, Edward's angelic nature was impossible to miss, and whatever manic power was gripping him was surely not of earth.

Whatever it was, it exhausted me. I found myself fighting to stay awake at a relatively early hour. Edward tucked me into my bed and let me nestle into his arms before I drifted off to sleep.

What seemed like moments later, I was being shaken awake. Edward was speaking my name softly, but urgently. My dark bedroom greeted my tired eyes. A glance at my clock told me I had been sleeping for almost three hours. Edward didn't usually wake me from a sound sleep. He seemed as wired as he had been when I fell asleep. I sat up and clicked on the light next to the bed.

"What's going on?" The words came out foggy and harsh.

"_Chorus Aeternum."_ He said.

I wasn't sure I heard him correctly. "What? Are you speaking Latin? You do realize I just woke up, right?"

He had taken my hand and was trying to pull me upright.

"You need to get up. We need to go." He was just like a little child. There was no reasoning with him.

"Wait, where are we going?" I struggled to remember the words he spoke as I was waking. "A chorus?"

He gave me a look that was equal parts exasperated and amused. He sat down beside me, and it looked like it took great restraint to harness the excitement coursing through him to do so.

"_Chorus Aeternum._ It's a gathering of angels. It's the reason I was feeling so expectant. I've never been to it, because you can only go when your heart is attached to another's in love. That is the pull, the anticipation I've been feeling. I just didn't recognize it, since I've never been in love before." He glanced up at me, his eyes sparkling beneath his thick lashes. "Will you go with me, Bella?"

"What kind of gathering?" My curiosity was definitely piqued.

"I don't know. I've only heard about it. Among the angels. It's said to be … Beautiful. Wondrous."

He was standing then, trying to pull me up again. His excitement was overwhelming and I wondered what could be beautiful and wondrous to an angel.

"Yes, Edward. I will go with you." Into the unknown, again. I should have been worried. The last time had been an ordeal, even if it had ended all right. But this felt different. When we had been on the mountain, there were still so many secrets. There had been a divide between us. Now, I knew what Edward was, and why he was here. I loved him, and I knew I had to go.

I pulled myself out of bed and shuffled over to the closet. I wasn't exactly sure what you wore to an angel gathering. Edward wrapped a hand around my waist and began pulling me out of my room.

"Let's go. You look breathtaking and there's no time to waste."

I looked down at the threadbare sweats and long sleeve t-shirt I had put on for bed. Breathtaking, indeed.

I assumed we would be flying and I was excited by the prospect of being cradled in his arms as we glided through the night. I hadn't seen Edward's wings since the last time we had flown. Edward, in his full angel splendor, was the most perfect thing I'd even seen. I snatched my jacket up off the back of a chair and zipped it on.

We stepped out onto my balcony, and I remembered the first time I'd seen Edward down below in the street. How much had changed in such a short amount of time.

Edward shed the gray pullover he'd been wearing, ready to unfurl his wings. He truly was wonderfully and fearfully made. I caught myself staring at the lines of his body. As he turned to drape the shirt over the railing, I was momentarily mesmerized by the way the ribbons of muscles across his back moved. All at once, Edward seemed too much; too perfect, too beautiful, too sensual, too innocent, too pure. He turned back to me and smiled, and the fleeting sense of him being too much to be meant for me dissipated. His smile held his love for me, and I realized that I was enough. I would guard his heart with my life, I would love him with everything in me and I would accept his love in return.

My breath caught as his wings came into view. He wrapped them around me and pulled me close, and I wondered if I could persuade him to skip whatever was happening with the other angels, and just hold me like this all night.

"Are you ready?" His voice was hushed.

"What does it mean? Chorus Aeternum?"

"Chorus Aeternum means the Eternal Dance. All angels have a kinship to music. It's something ingrained in us. Music, or art of any kind, really, can have a profound affect on the soul. So, we are going to the Chorus Aeternum, the angel's ball."

"Wow. It's a beautiful name. It's easy to understand the connection of angels and music. Is that why you're always humming?"

He gave me a kiss on the tip of my nose before answering. "Yes, Bella. But truthfully, I hum so much around you because you fill my heart with music."

With those words, that nearly made me swoon, he scooped me up and set to flying over the city.

I hadn't asked where we were going. Edward obviously knew the way, wherever we were headed seemed to have a magnetic pull upon him. I contented myself with his closeness, loving the feel of the smooth skin of his chest against me cheek. I let myself relax against him, lulled by the rhythmic motion of his wings. I wasn't surprised when my eyelids shut, and I drifted back to sleep.

I woke when Edward's feet touched back to the ground. It was still dark, but the full moon shining in the sky lent a beautiful light to the night. I couldn't remember ever seeing so many stars, the sky was incredibly clear. There was a slight breeze, but it was much warmer. I found myself pulling off my heavy jacket. There was short grass underfoot, and the air was sweet with its fragrance. I looked up then, and caught my first glimpse of the angel's ball.

We were standing on a wide plain, and there were pairs of angels winding in and out in a complicated pattern of dance. Each angel was giving off a faint glow, and as they twisted along, the color blurred out behind them like a trail. Their wings were magnificent, flaxen and glowing with moonshine. It was so simple, yet I was sure that heaven itself would be hard-pressed to match the splendor. I had to remind myself to breathe.

I looked to Edward, and saw that his face was alive with anticipation. This was truly where he belonged, and I felt both awed and honored to be at his side. We edged closer to the host of angels, weaving their ancient dance. There were four angels to the side playing on instruments that I'd never seen before. The melody was haunting and incredibly complex. It was so rich that it seemed impossible that it could be created by such a small number of angels. They played on without ceasing. The music was hypnotic, and after a few moments of careful listening, the music and dancing seemed to meld, all making sense in my mind - and I was eager to take part.

"May I have this dance?" Edward asked, his eyes shining with light and love.

"Yes. I'm ready."

He grasped my hand and we stepped into the fray. At first it felt as if we were simply being carried along by the current, but then we found our footing and began dancing in earnest. It looked so complicated from the outside, but once we joined in, it felt like I had always known the steps.

The other angels swirled around us. The women all wore gauzy dresses that left room for their wings to float freely behind them. The men were all shirtless, like Edward. All of it was a feast for the eyes, the loveliness of the angels unparalleled. And all the while, I could feel the music weaving around me, becoming a part of my very being.

I tore my sight away from all the magnificence and looked back at Edward. His eyes hadn't left my face. It was as though nothing existed for him but me. We followed the dance together, the music carrying us, the host carrying us. We parted and closed, now shoulder to shoulder, now cheek to cheek, now turning me under his arm, yet always, always holding me in his eyes; as we wove and twisted together, on an endless path among the angel band.

Now, as I continued to gaze back at Edward, I began to feel something new. Something beautiful and wondrous. I felt as though every good thing about our love was winding around us, binding us tightly in mysterious ribbons of truth and delight. It was then that I realized that we shared a love so powerful it couldn't be contained on earth. It was a love that cut across the angel and human realms both. It was the kind of love that you don't dare hope to find, yet you dream of it anyway. Helplessly. Endlessly.

"I love you." I said, the words tumbling across my lips with a passion and fervor I'd never felt before.

"And I love you," he replied. "Our hearts beat for one another, that's what has brought us here." His right wing curved toward me and he let the tips of the feathers dance over my cheek. I found myself wishing that we could keep dancing, until every other thought or trouble was far behind us.

I nearly got my wish. We danced on and on. The music played, subtly changing from one tune to another, each one as perfect as the one before. Our feet flew over the grass, the soft blades gentle on our bare feet. Edward had begun to glow faintly, just like the other angels. He was giving off a faint golden light and the aura lit up the night around us. I was reminded of books I'd read about fairy rituals, and the fact that humans who get pulled into fairy dances can dance themselves into oblivion. But all of the love and beauty and magic had enchanted me now, and oblivion seemed a small price to pay for the wonders of this night.

After a long while I realized that I could no longer feel the soft grass, and when I looked down, I found that we were floating above the ground. My feet made no purchase with the earth, they simply skimmed along on a cushion of air.

How long was I there? I don't know. When the very first fingers of the dawn light began to curl across the horizon, the music abruptly ended. Each angel stopped their dancing and stood facing the east and the lightening sky. They all made a humming sound, and the sun was greeted by a chorus of angels welcoming its rays. The humming tapered off slowly as the angels disappeared. I'd never seen Edward disappear, but after watching one angel after another vanish, I started to worry, would he disappear, too? And if he did, how could I follow? As the ranks of angels rapidly thinned, I spotted Alice and Jasper. They had probably been dancing with us the entire night, but I hadn't noticed. They were standing quite close to one another. They were staring into each other's eyes, and above their shoulders, their wings were entwined. Alice still had a pink glow, and around Jasper was a swirling dark blue light. All around them was a purplish haze where their light joined together. It took me a moment to realize that I'd been staring. I quickly looked away, understanding that I'd witnessed something intimate between them that wasn't meant for my eyes.

The image of them, their wings and colors joining, was still playing behind my eyelids. What would it feel like to be that way with Edward? If I had wings that could wrap around him, how would that feel? It was a fool's errand to head down that line of thinking, but I couldn't keep myself from wondering.

We flew back to my apartment, the air growing colder and the sky growing darker as we went. When my feet touched down on the little balcony outside my apartment, the sky was just beginning to lighten here. I was grateful for the meager warmth of my apartment as we went inside.

I was alive with excitement. Aside from the few hours of sleep earlier, I'd been up most of the night. I should have felt exhausted, but instead I felt exhilarated. The night had brought Edward and me closer, and it seemed that taking part in the Chorus Aeternum had cemented the rightness of us being together. I felt connected to him, like there were mysteries and secrets that we alone could understand.

"That was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced."

"You were wonderful, Bella. I could never find a more perfect dance partner. I wished that the sun wouldn't come up. I wanted to keep dancing with you, keep you in my arms."

The magic of the night was still with us. I could feel it all around, the air was charged with passion.

Our eyes met and my breath caught in my throat. I felt paralyzed, unable to look away, and not wanting to, even if that had been an option. Edward's hair was blown about from the wind, his cheeks flushed. He looked so wonderfully warm. But his eyes had changed. They were dark and deep. Ravenous and aching. I wondered if my eyes were betraying me as well, for I felt the same. I hungered for him. There was no lust in my desire. It was a longing - a need to be a part of Edward. I wanted things I couldn't name and needed things that I didn't understand. The only thing that I was sure of was that Edward's touch would soothe the chaos surging through my body.

He held his arms out to me. "Come."

I stepped into his embrace and my body trembled as we began moving together again. The dance was different now. It was quiet, the faint sound of early morning traffic was our music. The arm that he had around my waist gripped me tightly. He crushed me against himself. I could feel the heavy beat of his heart. His wings were pulled in close to his back. I slid my hand off his shoulder and let my fingers glide into the feathers. The texture and feel of them was unearthly, soft and smooth, like water running through my fingers, liquid silk.

I've always heard that the experiences of your life make you who you are, that they lead you where you need to go. I would never say that I was grateful for the unhappy past I experienced. I would never say that I could look back and appreciate what got me here. Losing every person you consider to be your family can never be considered a fair trade, no matter where it leads you. However, as I danced, with Edward's strong arms protecting me, I was strangely grateful that he had found me. I loathed myself a bit, because I could feel that the love I had for him already outweighed the desire I had to be reunited with my parents. I wanted Edward. I wanted his love, his smile, his arms and wings wrapped around me. I wanted to dance with him, kiss him, love him. I wanted to wake in his arms and drift off to sleep with him watching over me. I didn't want my life to be ruled by the past anymore. I wanted to look forward to the future, where there was an angel waiting, with his own personal brand of heaven - just for me.

_(Edward)_

Bella's every breath captivated me. The night had been pure magic. She had been magic. I didn't know that it would feel like this. I felt a completeness when I was with her that I had never imagined existed.

We were dancing in her apartment, now. She was running her fingers through the tops of my wings, and the sensation was overwhelming.

She looked up into my eyes and the reality of it hit me like a rushing river.

I was her heart's desire.

I searched her heart and found it to be true. I was her heart's desire. It had happened. Somehow, just by loving her with everything I was capable of, she had come to love me back. I wanted to yell it from the rooftops. I wanted to fly into a crowd of people and tell them that against all odds, Bella desired my heart above everything else.

Nothing else mattered.

Dancing with her at the angel's ball had been a thousand kinds of revelation for me. I hadn't told Bella that for angels to dance together there was like a rite. It sealed a bond between them that could never be broken. In truth, I didn't know if it would be so for a human. Even so, I should have told her what it all meant, beforehand. I owed her that. But I had held back. I had been afraid. Afraid that she might refuse to go. Might refuse me. Yet, in this too, she showed me wrong. Every step that we took in the great twisting reel, every turn, every touch, with each one she showed me that I meant as much to her as she did to me. Even though it didn't seem possible, it was true.

Now, as we danced, the dawn rose in light and sound around us. I pulled her closer still to my body. There wasn't a breath between us, and the way her soft curves melted into my body entranced me. It felt like the natural course of things. We had spent the entire night touching one another, brushing, passing, turning and returning. In the hours from dark until dawn, the caresses given in ritual had built up like water behind the wall of a dam, until now the passion we felt for one another was threatening to pour out in a torrent to sweep us away.

"I love you, Bella." I whispered, my lips ghosting over the soft strands of her hair.

Her fingers continued to slip through the feathers of my wings. They were beginning to tremble and I wondered if she could understand the affect she was having.

I leaned in and reverently kissed the velvety soft skin at the side of her neck. The sweetness of her lingered on my lips. The scent of her skin was heavy in the air around me. It was mixed with a new perfume now, the sweet bouquet of her body's desire.

She looked up at me with hungering eyes, asking wordless questions that I answered with equal silence. We continued moving, our dance becoming more primal the closer we drew to her bed.

In unhurried movements articles of clothing were cast aside. Small piles of cloth littered the floor, until we stood before each other, exposed and unashamed while an air of destiny wrapped around us like a blanket.

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**I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading.**

**Also, I am not in the habit of making story rec's - but I have to let you know about the story: The Long Walk Home by bsmog. I have started to beta for the last few chapters and it is an incredibly wonderful story that deserves a look-see! www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5181787/1/ **

**Thanks again, C.**


	12. Poetry and Prose

_Disclaimer - Twilight and related characters are the creation of Stephenie Meyer, no infringement intended._

_Quick note - I WILL get to all the backlogged reviews. I PROMISE. I cherish your thoughts too much not to. I just have been working on this, and haven't gotten back to everyone yet, know that I will. That interaction with those of you reading this story is more important to me than you can know._

_miaokuancha - your beta work astounds me. Thanks for helping me make this beautiful, and keeping me on the right path._

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Chapter 12 - Poetry and Prose

(Edward)

Bella's hair swirled around me like a living storm. The shower of sunlight spilling through the window seemed to christen our union. As each unexplored landscape was revealed to me, I took up the quest of knowing. I discovered the softness of the skin at the back of her thigh. I mapped the contours of her waist. I felt the butterfly kiss of her lashes against my cheek. I savored the scent of the skin at the back of her neck.

I watched in awe, her body aquiver as I caressed her with my wings. Each gentle brush of feathers bringing a deeper flush to her pallid skin. The gentle sounds rising around us - each sigh, each breath, each beat of her heart - rivaled the sweet music of the Chorus Aeternum itself.

It was exquisite. Every moment. The stroke of skin against skin. The faint rustle of the sheets. The fingers of our hands entwined as we embarked on this journey into the unknown together.

I have always believed that there is no greater force, on the earth or anywhere else, than love. Love can lead to wars. Love can lead to life and the first breath of a newborn child. Love can give rise to the soul of an angel. Love can conquer all.

Love can also lead to this. This moment of divine madness, limbs entangled, bodies glistening with sweat, minds given over to need as pleasure rules the flesh. This was love. Truer than anything I had ever known.

Later, we lay quietly on Bella's bed. There was a sense of calm that had settled over the room. The same type of calm that follows an unexpected storm. Our clothes still lay in piles on the floor where they had been discarded. Bella's back was pressed tightly to my chest, and my arms were wrapped protectively around her. A thin blanket barely veiled our nakedness. I marveled at the way her body fit so perfectly against mine. We truly were two pieces of a whole, and the way we had fit together so perfectly in every way only served to confirm this notion. I felt Bella sigh, felt it through her skin, felt it through my body. I pulled her closer still, wishing that this moment could stretch itself out for eternity.

She said something, and it nearly startled me. The quiet had become a presence around us. I drew my face closer to hers so that I could hear her better.

"What did you say?" I questioned.

She sighed contentedly again, and I felt a deep surge of male satisfaction to know that the dreamy, sated look upon her face was put there by me.

"I was saying that you've ruined me for human men." She nuzzled closer, her nose skimming along the underside of my jaw.

In a flash, quicker than a second of time, the image of Bella in another's arms flashed in my mind. Jealousy shot through me like a lightning strike, leaving an acid taste on my tongue.

"I guess you're lucky then that I could never share you. I fully intend to do my best to hold onto you forever. It really is a shame for all those human men, though." I tried to make light of it. I wasn't sure I wanted her to know how even the thought of ever losing her could easily break me in two, like a twig snapped under foot.

She turned in my arms, the soft feminine lines of her body melting into mine. My attention wandered as she shimmied herself up higher on my body. Her feet curled together around my calf, and they were cool to the touch. She straddled my thigh and the heat emanating from the juncture of her legs was maddening. There was nothing on earth, or in the angel realm, that could hold sway over me the way this exquisite woman did.

"I want you to hold onto me forever. Everything about you calls to me, everything about you heals me. From your beautiful smile and your glorious wings, to your strong arms and your tender heart. Even the way you smell feels like home to me. You've brought me back to life, Edward."

"Do you remember the promise I made you? About making a way so that I could stay?"

She nodded in reply.

"Before I found you, my life revolved around whatever task I was working on. I was never distracted from my purpose. I made few connections with other angels, and even fewer with humans. I felt complete in myself. Then I met you, and everything I thought was important crumbled to dust. There is no thought, no feeling, no breath that I take that doesn't center around you. You are my heart's desire as well."

Bella was smiling a radiant smile, her eyes were glossy with emotion.

"I'm going to have to go back to my realm. Just long enough to figure out how I can keep my promise to you. I don't want to leave you, not even for a moment. It's taken more resolve than you can imagine to decide to go, but I have to. Now that the balance of your life is on the path to righting itself, they will consider this task complete. If I don't find a solution to staying with you quickly, I could be assigned another task - and I wouldn't be able to turn it down. I have to work this out now, before it is too late."

"You think the scales of my life are coming into balance?" She didn't look convinced.

"I think the magnitude of what we feel for one another will take it in that direction. I can't imagine anything that the love I have for you couldn't accomplish."

"But you have to leave?"

"I'm not leaving. I'm going back, so that I can stay. I'm duty bound, Bella. If they assign me a new task, I have to go, I don't have a choice. I have to find a way to change things before that can happen."

"When?"

"Tonight. I can't wait any longer. It will be okay. I will make a way, and then I won't ever have to part from you again. I'll be around so much you'll get sick of me."

Her cheek rested against my chest. I could feel her head shaking as she responded. "That would never happen. People have been leaving me my whole life. If I've found someone who is going to stick around, then I'm going to hold onto you with all my might."

As if to prove her words she wrapped her arms around me tightly, drawing herself so close that it felt like she was trying to slip into my skin. Quiet descended upon us once again. Both of us lost in our own thoughts, our minds wandering in their own directions while our bodies held fast.

Later, after getting dressed, which had been another feat of Herculean proportions, we were walking to the library. I was lugging the bag that Bella had stuffed to bursting with books. At the top of the pile was a book of Robert Frost poems. I recalled a line from one of his works, having to do with 'I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep' - that was a fitting send off for my night. I certainly did have promises to keep, promises I intended to keep, no matter what.

When we reached the steps of the library, I set the bag of books at my feet and wrapped my arms around Bella. I wished I could let my wings appear and wrap those around her as well. I knew how much she loved the feel of them, the comfort they brought her - but here in such a public place it wasn't possible. Parting was definitely going to be sweet sorrow.

I tried not to dwell on the fact that I wouldn't be walking her home tonight. I didn't have a choice anymore. I had to fix this, and there wasn't any room for delay.

She wasn't making it any easier. Now that I knew what it was like to lie in her arms, even the briefest kiss felt like an invitation to delights that were all but impossible to refuse. She'd been tempting me all day, in the best possible ways, and now the thought of having to leave her here at the library while I ventured to parts unknown seemed a task beyond my abilities, superhuman though they were.

I let my lips linger on hers. I let the coolness of her fingertips sink into the warmth of my cheeks. I kissed her deeply, hoping to impart a small portion of the tenderness my soul welled with for her. I wanted to leave her something, a benediction of sorts, to keep her while we were apart.

"I'm going to miss you." She said it quietly, as if she was expressing an embarrassing weakness. Her eyes looked wet as if tears were threatening to spill over at any moment.

I hated making her cry. I'd done it time and time again. If I could make a way to stay with her, I would be willing to spend my eternity making up for every one of those tears.

"I will be back as quickly as possible. Heaven itself couldn't keep me from you." I kissed the smooth skin of her forehead after I spoke. I would miss touching her.

"I love you."

"Bella, I have never loved anyone before I met you. I didn't think I ever would. You changed all of that. Please know that I'm leaving my heart with you. Take good care of it while I'm gone."

I kissed her one more time and then walked away. I didn't say goodbye. I couldn't. I knew it would get stuck in my throat, and I wouldn't be able to go. Instead, I kissed her and I walked, afraid that at any moment I was going to give in and run back to sweep her up in my arms.

If she had been able to keep watching, if she had been able to keep me in her sight, she would have seen me fade into nothing. It was fitting really, because that was exactly what I was without her.

(Bella)

I could understand why he didn't say goodbye. I couldn't say it either and was glad that he had spared me the moment. I tried, unsuccessfully, to think of things other than Edward's absence. I didn't even know how long he would be gone. The only things I knew for certain were that he wasn't going to be waiting when I left work today, and I would be sleeping alone tonight. A few weeks ago this would have meant little to me, but now that I'd grown accustomed to his comfort, it seemed unbearable.

As I worked I thought about the way we'd spent the early morning hours. I had told Edward that the Chorus Aeternum was the most wonderful thing I had ever experienced. How quickly he proved me wrong. I wondered if anyone could tell, I wondered if it was obvious, blazoned across my face for the world to see. Just thinking about the way it felt to be in his arms, to feel every inch of him, brought butterflies to my stomach. I certainly didn't have much experience with these things, but I was certain that being with Edward, being with an angel, was as different from being with a human man as day and night. I couldn't get enough of his magnificent wings, and as I thought about the way it felt as they caressed my body, I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

I understood why Edward had to go. That didn't mean I had to like it.

It had happened quickly, too quickly in many ways for me to fully understand, but I had become closer to Edward than anyone who had ever been in my life. His presence was like a buoy, keeping my life afloat. His love was nothing short of a miracle.

I worked quietly through my day. My thoughts and emotions dipped and peaked, and for moments I was happy and elated as I thought of Edward's love and for moments I felt alone and undone as I would dwell on the lonely night that lay ahead.

I was surprised when I left the library and found Alice waiting in the very spot that was usually occupied by Edward. She was so still and beautiful as she stood there, her dark hair and creamy skin glowing with a perfection that hinted at her otherworldly origins. When she saw me she smiled and I was grateful that I wouldn't have to walk home alone.

"Hello Bella." She greeted me with a warmth that settled me.

"Hi. I'm surprised to see you here."

"I thought you might like a little company. Besides, Jasper is going to be away for a while, too - I thought we could be lonely together." She gave my arm a gentle squeeze and flashed a knowing smile. It seemed impossible that we barely knew each other, but maybe what we were was really old friends, from the first time we met. That was how it felt, kindred and pleasant - the comfort of a familiarity we hadn't had time to establish, but that still somehow existed.

"I'd like that."

Alice had been right; company was exactly what I needed. We decided to go back to their apartment, and as we walked we laughed and joked. It felt good to have a girl to hang around with and laugh with, the mood was light and free. Their apartment was as perfect as I remembered. It was also warm and neat and comfortable.

Within minutes we were parked on the living room couch with large bowls of ice cream and some awful reality T.V. show droning in the background. Alice was shoveling in her ice cream like there was no tomorrow and I wondered if being an angel allowed you to eat whatever you wanted and never get fat. That would certainly be a perk. Edward drank water by the gallon, but he didn't seem to eat more than an average person. We'd never eaten ice cream together, though…- maybe angels really liked ice cream. I must have been staring, because Alice looked at me and seemed embarrassed.

"Sorry. I know I'm not displaying the best manners at the moment. If Jasper were here he would have started oinking like a pig at me, by now. I rarely eat ice cream so I forget how good it is, and then when I do have it, I get a little carried away." As if to prove her point, she lifted the bowl to her mouth and licked it clean.

I laughed. How very odd to be sitting with this angel as she made a complete mess of herself over the last bit of Ben and Jerry's. It was almost more comical to watch her, moments later, as she picked up a napkin and daintily wiped her mouth, the picture of gentility and self-control.

"Maybe you should just eat ice cream more often, then it wouldn't make you all crazy." I suggested.

"Maybe."

"Would Jasper really have oinked at you?" I couldn't picture him that way. We had only met briefly, but he had seemed so reserved.

Alice threw her head back and let out a chiming laugh. "Oh yes. In fact, he probably would have gotten down on all fours and pretended to root around, just for effect. Believe me, he was on his best behavior last time you were here."

I still couldn't picture it.

"It's true. Love makes you do crazy things, I guess." The way she said the last part made me shiver. It was as if those words applied to whatever Edward was doing at the moment, not just to Jasper doing his best impression of a swine. The look in her eyes told me that I was right to think she intended the words to have meaning to me.

Switching gears completely, Alice hopped off of the couch and grabbed my arm, yanking me up off the couch.

"Let's get out of here."

I didn't necessarily object, but I wasn't thrilled at the idea of leaving their apartment. It was comfortable and warm, unlike the icy night awaiting us outside.

"Where do you want to go?" I assumed she had a destination in mind.

She contemplated and then replied, "I don't know, but I want to show you something."

As if this was a good enough answer, she headed to the door. I wondered what she intended to show me if she didn't know where she wanted to go. In a display of trust, unusual for me before the presence of Edward in my life, I bundled myself in my coat and followed.

The cold outside enveloped me. Alice looked as if she was taking a stroll on a spring evening, completely unaffected by the cold. We walked along, aimlessly it seemed.

"I know the things Edward has told you. I don't want to have to pretend around you. You already know I'm an angel, and you know what I can do. I've seen images of you and Edward. I can see important things that may happen in the future. You can't know the details, but you have to know that what Edward is doing right now will change things."

"How will things change? Is it something bad?" As soon as I asked, I knew I wouldn't get any real answers. She'd just said I couldn't know the details.

"It isn't anything bad, Bella. Quite the contrary really." She smiled broadly as she closed her eyes and seemed to be recalling the details of her vision.

After this startling revelation, we chatted about everything and nothing as we walked along. Alice stayed close to my side. She was protective and amicable. A friend.

I had no idea where we were, or where we were going. What I thought was going to be a short walk to a specific destination had turned into block after block of walking. When we reached a corner Alice would make me decide which way to go. I have an amazingly bad sense of direction, but she refused to make any choices. It seemed like she was trying to prove some sort of point, I just had no idea what it was. We walked through parts of the city that I didn't recognize at all.

When I was certain that we were hopelessly lost, Alice held her hand out and pointed, and then said, "We're here."

To my complete shock we were standing on a corner and she was pointing up at my building. I had never approached it from this side and was completely amazed that somehow, we managed to wind up at my apartment. Nothing looked familiar from this angle, it was like seeing it all through brand new eyes. Alice looked satisfied, as though the little experiment she had embarked on had worked out beautifully.

I invited Alice up for a cup of coffee. I had a feeling she was probably thirsty.

Our conversation turned to Edward, and even though I had seen him earlier in the day, I ached for his presence.

"Angels need certain things to be whole. We need peace, purpose and love. Edward is very capable of finding peace and purpose. He's always been solitary, and he understands the importance of the tasks set before him. That takes care of peace and purpose. However, until you came along, he has never loved anyone. He cares for Jasper and me, of course, but that's not the same thing. The connection he has forged with you is making him whole, complete. He's not just restoring balance to your life Bella - he is restoring it to his own as well. Try to remember that when the time comes."

"When what time comes?" I couldn't hold back my curiosity.

She gave a gentle laugh. "Do you remember what I said earlier about not being able to tell you details? That still applies."

I frowned but wasn't surprised by her response.

Alice grabbed my hands and gave them a squeeze. It wasn't easy to get used to her impulsive gestures. She looked apologetic.

"Please understand Bella, there is so much I want to tell you. The problem is that what I see happening is often a loose interpretation. It's impossibly close to the real thing, but never exactly the same. There was a reason I wanted to take that walk with you before, even though I was fairly certain we would wind up here."

"But why didn't you just say you wanted to come here. We could have just walked straight here, instead of taking that whole roundabout way. And with all those choices I had to make about lefts and rights, we might not have gotten back here at all." I still had no idea how we had wound up here.

Alice looked at me and I was certain my face betrayed my complete confusion. She let out a dramatic sigh and then started in again.

"Have you ever heard someone say that when a butterfly flaps its wings it can change the weather all the way on the other side of the earth?"

I nodded, because I had indeed heard that.

"My ability to see things is influenced by every step a person takes. Fate still plays a part in human life, it's that whole notion of free will. Angels hold some sway, but not over everything. If you leave your house five minutes late, if you turn left instead of right, if you go to bed or stay awake - every choice you make impacts something else. Imagine you dropped a pebble into the center of a pond. The ripples that occur right away are obvious, but by the time they reach the shore, they are no longer recognizable for what they are. People see the immediate effects of their choices, but then don't see the way things are still connected a week down the road. Do you follow what I'm saying?"

I sat and pondered for a moment. "You're saying that each choice we make influences our lives in greater ways than we realize."

"In a nutshell."

"I'm sorry if I'm missing the obvious, but how does this relate back to our walk?"

"I saw us here, and I had faith that that was going to happen. You made the choices on our walk Bella. You chose which way to go, and those choices combined to get us to your apartment, even when it looked like we might be hopelessly lost. I see you and Edward together. I feel in my heart that that is what is right, that that's where it will all wind up. But just like when we were walking, I am not certain of the path that will lead you there. I just have faith in the destination. I wanted you to see, to know and understand that sometimes, when things seem the most impossible, that is when you need to keep making choices, keep moving forward, because home could be just around the bend."

My stomach felt knotted with anxiety. She seemed to feel she was offering me sage advice, but with words like hopeless and impossible, it all seemed ominous.

I held tightly to my coffee mug. "I thought you said Edward and I belong together? He left today, and things were pretty near perfect. How come you're acting like we have some horrible road ahead of us? I've kind of had my share of hopeless and impossible."

"Remember what I said about fate, Bella? What if on our walk we had made a left instead of a right, or went straight instead of turning. We may have still wound up here, but it might have taken twice as long."

"So you're saying that fate is going to work against us?"

"What I am saying is that you need to keep your eyes on the prize. No matter what happens, don't forget what you and Edward share. I saw you at the Chorus Aeternum. It was the most lovely thing I've ever seen. Amidst the splendor of angels, the love the two of you share outshone everything else. You might not have been able to see it, but the rest of us did. That kind of love, it is so sacred and rare and precious - and that is why I am bothering to tell you, to implore you to hold onto it, no matter what fate may throw in your way."

Later, I lay in my bed. Lonely and alone.

I was still unsettled after my conversation with Alice. I worried over what the future would hold.

I had pulled my beat up copy of Romeo and Juliette off the shelf and brought it with me to bed. My favorite books had become dearer than friends. I was in need of that comfort tonight. As thoughts of fate and love and choices swirled in my mind, the familiar words of Romeo and Juliette broke through. My heart beat a little faster as I gripped the book a little tighter.

_"Juliette: By whose direction found'st thou out this place?_

_Romeo: By love, that first did prompt me to inquire;_

_He lent me counsel, and I lent him eyes._

_I am no pilot; yet, wert thou as far_

_As that vast shore wash'd with the farthest sea,_

_I would adventure for such merchandise." _

Surely, we two, who had a love that could outshine angels, surely we could find a way. Edward was already venturing farther than the distant sea out of love for me. He was traveling beyond my world, to a place I couldn't imagine or follow, out of love for me. That had to count for something. Fate might have its place, but I would choose the path , the path that would lead me to Edward. By love, whose direction we would follow.

As I settled off to sleep, an errant thought raced into my mind. Fair Juliette awoke to find her Romeo dead. What if that was the kind of card fate dealt me? More death and impossibility. Was that a path I could choose - a road I could follow?

I buried my face in my pillow. It still smelled like us. I had told Edward that he smelled like home to me. Home. What had Alice told me? She had said you always had to keep faith and keep making choices, because home could be just around the corner.

Tonight, as I lay alone in the dark, breathing in the scent of my angel love, home seemed incredibly far away.

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Dedicated to all you sweet ladies on my twitter, who give me things to laugh at, and pretty pictures to look at, and wonderful support that I cherish. Love you - C


	13. Amor Fati

Disclaimer: Twilight and related characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer, no infringement intended.

To whoever nominated this story for Shimmer awards, I thank you for your thoughtfulness. Thanks to miaokuancha for her beta work, you are a wonder.

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Chapter 13 - Amor Fati

_**(Edward)**_

As I traveled back to earth I felt lighter. I felt hopeful and confident in the future. If I had known how things would go, how easily each detail could be smoothed over, I would have done it sooner. I wouldn't have waited. And now, as I returned to the earth from the angel realm, I felt like a conquering hero.

My body was renewed from the time spent in my realm. I felt revived. The very air there is the essence of life. I could feel it mending every cell as it passed through me. With my renewed vitality and a strong sense of purpose, I made my way to Bella. I made my way home.

I had presented my case to the Archangels, the ones charged with keeping order among the lesser angels. They listened to all the reasons I desired to stay with Bella. They told me they could feel the depth of my love for her, that it had become a part of my soul. I questioned them about the future; was it possible for me to be absolved of my duties to the angel realm? I asked if there was a way that staying with Bella could become my lifelong task, ensuring the balance of her life. The Archangels smiled as I continued to inquire about the possibility of a future with Bella. It occurred to me to wonder if they were smiling because of the manic way I chose to express my undying devotion to the girl, or if they were simply being patronizing.

In the end, with fewer questions answered than I had hoped for, I was given one simple direction - I was to ask Bella a question.

I had to ask Bella if she wanted me to stay.

It was so ridiculously simple that I nearly let out a burst of highly inappropriate laughter at their request. She had already told me that she wanted me to stay. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. I told them as much and my words were once again greeted with the same smiles as before.

Aro, the oldest and wisest of the Archangel council could sense how I was feeling. He addressed me with a warmth that only angels are capable of. "Edward, my young Angel of Justice, don't be frustrated by the requests of this council. We have watched you closely, and have been most impressed with your performance. Your moving gesture, to come here and ask for the opportunity to stay with this girl, has affected each of us. However, you are young, and the girl is a human. You have not meddled closely with a human like this before, you are unaware of the risks involved. Humans are fickle. You have done her a service, you have lifted her back onto her feet, it is commendable. Human hearts can turn quickly, Edward. They are impacted by time and fate. You are not the first angel to come to us with such a request. Your love feels true, and perhaps that will make all the difference. For now, do as we have asked. Ask the girl if she desires you to stay. For as long as that is her wish, we will allow it."

With those words, I was bid my farewell. If he thought that he had impacted my decision, he was wrong. Bella wanted me to be with her. She didn't want me to leave, not even for a moment. Their request that I ask Bella what she would desire would be fulfilled, and I would be able to stay. For as long as she wanted. Forever.

So my heart was light, filled with the knowledge that this pure, true feeling coursing through my veins would be the start of my new life, my life with Bella.

I wasn't sure how it would all work out. I knew that at some point the council of Archangels would need to make some decisions. They would need to decide if I would stay an angel of justice. They would be forced to see that I was not just a child coming to them with a starry eyed entreaty, but rather a man who had tasted the goodness of love and had been changed for the better because of it.

As I flew I immersed myself in the simple joy of it all. It isn't often that you have all you have ever hoped for heaped at your feet for the taking. It isn't often that love can be so true, so perfect, that it can impact both the earthly and the angel realms. I would soon be back at Bella's side. I would be back in my true home, for wherever she was, that was home.

_**(Bella)**_

Alice's lesson from the night before stuck with me all day long. In fact, she had done her job so well that I found myself analyzing all my actions. I wondered how it impacted things that I left my apartment ten minutes late. What would be the consequences of my choosing not to eat breakfast but to guzzle some coffee when I got to the library instead? Did the fact that I wore my green sweater make any difference in the grand scheme of things? After what Alice showed me, I couldn't help but wonder.

Of course, it made me wonder about other things as well. How different would things be now if my mom had just decided to grab some milk in the morning instead of heading out that night? What if my dad had found reasons to live, instead of clinging to the grief that brought about his own death? What if I had grabbed my helmet before I went out riding with Jake?

I was well aware of the hope that Alice was trying to instill in me. I knew that her intention was to help me see that things could work out, even when it seemed otherwise. She also showed me something else: fate is a slippery slope. Angels don't control it all. There doesn't seem to be some big map to the cosmos guiding us all in the right direction. Sometimes you just step off the curb at the wrong moment and get leveled by a minivan. Sometimes you run out to get milk and you get a bullet instead. It doesn't really seem fair. According to Alice, Edward and I had a future together. Also, according to Alice, there might be some obstacles that could emerge before we got to that future. All in all it wasn't a bad lot, I mean, if I wind up with my angel in the end, how bad could it be?

But even if I felt like my future was pretty secure, where did that leave the poor soul who went left instead of right? Would that person find their way home, or would fate have other plans in mind?

This was the way my mind churned all day long. It took me forever to get through my normal duties and I was glad that the weather was poor and the library was all but deserted.

I stood near a window as I worked to reshelf a selection of biographies. An ice storm had blown in and everything outside was taking on a crystalline quality. Signs and wires were coated in ice and the streets were barren of both cars and people. I wondered when Edward would be back. I missed him so horribly that my chest ached. I hated not knowing. We live in the information age, everyone keeps in touch with cell phones and internet connections - everyone but angels. I doubt they get cell service in his realm anyway. I just hated not knowing. Not knowing where he was or what he was doing or when he would be back.

"Bella," Esme called to me from the main circulation desk.

I joined her at the desk. The other people who were working today were also gathered around.

"We've decided to close the library early today. We've had no patrons in the last two hours, and it is getting worse by the minute out there. Let's all head for home and we'll open back up tomorrow." Esme gave her speech and the other employees all scuttled off to grab coats and shut down computers. I was glad I didn't have to drive in the mess out there, but I wasn't especially looking forward to walking in it either.

I put my last two books away. I grabbed my jacket and bundled up as best I could - hat, scarf and gloves all in place.

Fate.

I made my way down the stone steps and quickly came to realize the severity of the weather around me. The steps were completely treacherous, slick with ice. The sidewalk wasn't much better. I found that I had to walk close to the buildings so I could reach out to the facades for support. I had walked a short distance but already my jacket was soaked through. The combination of icy rain and slippery sidewalk made for very slow-going.

I decided to take a different way home. I hoped cutting across some of the side streets would block some of the rain. I hadn't passed a single person yet, and the emptiness of the usually bustling streets was unnerving.

Fate.

I was starting to feel a little scared. All those ridiculous "what if" scenarios started playing through my mind, ranging from the mild concern that I would have to trash these boots because they were so completely soaked, to the completely absurd idea that I would never make it home, and Edward would find me on his return, a frozen sculpture of a girl completely iced over and forgotten. I decided to ditch the plan to take side streets and headed back to the main road. I would take my chances with the rain if it got me home any quicker.

Fate.

They say that in the end your life flashes before your eyes. They say time seems to slow down and you have this real sense of clarity. Whoever has said those things has never stood on an icy corner, propped up against a Honda Civic, as a van comes careening across the road straight for them. I knew I should move, but there was no where to go and no time to get there.

Tons of metal were flying at me. Brakes were making a horrible screeching sound against the pattering of the rain. I caught a glimpse of the driver's face. He was a boy not that much older than me, his face frozen in a mask of horror, the knowledge of what was about to happen clear in his expression.

Pain. Blistering, searing, powerful pain so bad it was not describable ripped through me. Somehow the van continued to move, even after smashing into me and the car.

I couldn't pull in a breath. Not only was every nerve ending in my body on fire, but I couldn't breathe, and my vision felt cloudy. I lost track of exactly where I was, or where I had been going, or what had even happened.

Fate.

My body, which had been pinned by the van, freed up. My head made a horrible "thwunk" as it smashed into the metal hood of the Civic. I could smell blood, could taste it in my mouth. My back torqued wildly and then there was a sick snapping sound that I had some awareness came from me. All the pain in the lower half of my body suddenly ceased. It was as if someone had flipped a switch. My legs no longer worked and my body slid down into a heap on the ground. This time my head smacked the pavement and it throbbed as my brain screamed in protest. I lay in an icy puddle, unable to move.

A metallic grinding seemed to announce that the van had finally come to a stop. The grinding was accompanied by a loud pop, and then a flurry of glass showered over me.

The pavement was rough against my skin and blurry to my eyes. There were rainbow hued oil slicks that floated on top of the icy puddle, chunks of glass settled at the bottom. The mucky water flowed into my mouth, choking me and cutting my air off even further. I could no longer feel much of anything, which seemed much better than the pain from earlier.

I had no concept of how much time passed by. It could have been moments, it could have been years.

My blood pooled around me on the pavement. I knew this with certainty, although I wasn't sure how. The shards of ice stung my face and eyes as they continued to fall from the sky.

I thought of the ones I loved that had traveled this road before me. I took comfort in the fact that it really wasn't so bad. A little like falling asleep, and I was beyond tired.

I thought of Edward. I never got to say goodbye.

He was beautiful. I loved his wings.

He could fly me away from here. He could fly me to somewhere I could sleep.

There were noises erupting around me. I couldn't lift my head to see what they were. My brain was too confused to discern any recognizable sounds. My eyes began to close and I wasn't sure that I had the will to open them again.

Then everything started to look shiny, like the sun was beating down - but it was still raining. I felt suddenly warmer. I could smell Edward. The smell of promise, the smell of forever. I thought I heard crying and it made me sad, because angels shouldn't cry.

The other noise grew louder and I wished it would go away altogether. I just wanted to be with Edward. I wanted to tell him goodbye.

I blinked my eyes and I could see a little more clearly. Edward's face was leaned in close to mine. He was crying. He talked to me, his mouth moved, his hands were on my arm. I couldn't understand what he said. I couldn't make my mouth work to tell him. I couldn't tell him that I loved him. I couldn't tell him goodbye.

Hands that were not Edward's reached out toward me. I could see Edward shake his head. My head tipped to the side as I was lifted up. The dark pavement painted crimson. The red had seeped into the knees of Edward's pants as he kneeled down next to me. A breath escaped my lungs in a hissing sigh. I came to rest on something softer than the ground.

There was nothing left for me. No more air. No more beats for my heart. No more time.

Edward was next to me again. He touched his lips to my forehead.

It felt like I was falling, down, down, down.

My eyes closed.

Fate.

_**(Edward)**_

Thoughts of Bella continued to dance in my mind as I drew closer to the earth. The anticipation sizzled through me.

A swiftly flying shape just to my right caught my eye. It took me a moment to realize that it was Alice. She was flying towards me in a frantic, zig-zagging way. It would have been comical if I couldn't see her face, which was pulled into a harsh grimace the likes of which I had never seen before. I stopped flying, hovering in the air for a moment, and she nearly barreled directly into me.

"Edward, you have to hurry, it's Bella. There isn't much time."

At those words, a million macabre images swept across my mind, each one more horrid than the next. What could have happened to my beloved that would have caused Alice to search me out so frantically? I was poised to ask that very question when Alice's pale skin went pure white and her wings ceased beating. She began to fall more quickly than I could react, and for a split second I watched her begin a rapid descent back down to earth.

What had happened to Bella? Why was Alice falling from the sky? What was I supposed to do?

A flash of light swept by me and I looked down to see Jasper gathering Alice deftly in his arms. He touched down on the roof of a tall building, still cradling Alice. I sped down, my mind still a jumble of unasked questions.

I could see that Alice's eyes were open. Jasper had been there for her when she needed it the most. He always was.

Could the same be said of me? Bella needed me and I wasn't there.

I approached my friends, already reaching out in my mind, trying to feel Bella's presence, to locate her in my mind.

"Edward, something happened. You have to get to Bella. She needs you now." Alice's face was still pale.

I was worried something was wrong with her. Jasper seemed to understand my concern.

"Alice is fine, Edward. She was just overwhelmed by what's happened. She is trying to see it all, every possible outcome, for you and for Bella. It's draining her. Don't worry about us. I'll take care of her. You need to get to Bella."

I had heard this already, and felt it in my own heart as well - but that was the problem. I couldn't sense her. Whatever had happened, I couldn't feel where Bella was.

I had never been afraid in all my life. But right now I was completely terrified.

"Where is she? Alice, you have to help me. Where is she? I can't feel her presence. What happened?"

"She was walking home from the library. There was an accident. The roads are all slick with ice."

She continued talking but I heard little of what else she said. For the first time since I had been back on the earth I realized that it was raining. Freezing rain, that was glazing everything around me in a thick blanket of ice. My poor sweet girl. My Bella, who was always cold, was out there somewhere in this ice, alone.

Jasper was tapping my arm, trying to get my attention. "Did you hear her Edward?"

I shook my head no, and Alice repeated the intersection where the accident had occurred. As soon as she finished the words, I let myself go - fading off the rooftop and rematerializing close to where Bella was.

My ears were immediately assaulted with the sounds of tragedy and chaos.

I could see a van and a car that were a bit battered. The car seemed to have faired worse than the van, the front corner was completely crushed. A young man was sitting on the sidewalk near the van. Right in the middle of the rain and glass, he sat. He had a cut on his forehead that was bloodied, and his eyes stared straight ahead, vacant.

There were sirens wailing in the distance. A man and a woman were standing near the car. I wondered if it belonged to one of them. The man was talking on the phone and the woman kept looking down at the ground and shaking her head.

I sensed the shadows before I saw them. I felt the dread swell up in my belly and I knew instinctively what was on the ground in front of the car. The shadows of death were already gathering. They were thick in the air.

I was going to lose her.

I stepped forward, steeling myself for what I was about to see. I had taken lives before. It had always been done in the name of balance, I'd even foolishly believed that I would be able to take Bella's life. I never stuck around for the aftermath. It wasn't my job to be concerned about the soul's travel to the other realms. It wasn't my job to harbor concern for those left to mourn the loss that I had caused. How wrong could I have been?

A foot came into view on the pavement ahead of me. Then the rest of the leg. The shadows were so close. Inches away.

There was so much blood. It painted the entire area around her body. My beautiful Bella. Her body was broken. Her legs fell at odd angles, and her face pressed the ground. Her eyes were open, but I couldn't see her blinking. Her chest continued to rise and fall, but it was sporadic, as if her body wasn't quite sure if it wanted to keep breathing or not.

I ran to her. My first thought was to gather her in my arms and warm her. I could pull my shirt off and hold her close, allowing my heat to soak into her. I didn't care that people were watching. I intended to fly off with her, to take her somewhere she could get the care she would need, away from the shadows.

I knelt next to her, already reaching out, when the woman who had been watching called out to me.

"Don't touch her. I think her back might be broken. If you move her you could kill her."

The words stopped me short. My hand remained outstretched, but I made no move to bring it closer to her. Bella was so still. The very faint movement of her erratic breaths the only hint she was still alive.

"Do you know her?" The woman asked.

I was still suspended in my pose. I didn't reply to the question.

"I saw the whole thing. I live right in that building. I was looking out the window, and I saw it all. She got pinned between the van and the car. She didn't even have the chance to move out of the way. I can't believe she's still alive."

Alive. Barely.

Her eyelids began to close.

I let my hand come down on Bella's hair. It was stiff and brittle, like it was turning to ice. There were pieces of glass glinting in it. There was glass all around her, on her clothes and on the pavement.

The shadows crept closer. The sirens were growing louder.

My mind brought me back to my meeting with the Archangels, the way that I wondered if they had been patronizing me. Had they known? Had they known that this is what would happen? Did they send me off to ask if she wanted me to stay, simply because they knew she couldn't?

I began to cry. Ragged sobs tore through my body. I was helpless. I wanted to help her, to fix her, to make it better. Instead I knelt next to her, unable to do a damn thing. Carrying her away from here would kill her. If she died her soul would be consumed by the shadows, and they would take her where I could never follow. She would be with her family, and I tried to find a shred of comfort in that thought. I found none, and the hole in my heart ripped open even further. My tears were falling on her.

Then she blinked. It seemed so purposeful, as if she had mustered all her resources to allow for that one movement. It did little to stop my tears, but it did ignite the tiniest flame of hope.

I moved so that I was directly in her line of sight, pulling my face in close to hers. I would ask her if she wanted me to stay. I would fulfill the request of the council. If she could give me some sign that she wanted me to stay, I would find a way to make it happen. I spoke slowly, hoping she would hear, or be able to read my lips or something.

"Bella. Do you want me to stay?"

There was no response. Her lips didn't move. She didn't blink or groan or make any sound at all. I asked again, willing her to do something. Again, nothing happened.

The shadows were touching her feet. Her boots were mired in them.

The ambulance and paramedics had arrived. One of them put a hand on my shoulder and asked if I would move out of the way.

I shook my head, I wasn't ready to let her go. I had only just found her, we had only just begun to understand the love we held for one another. They couldn't make me go.

A second paramedic appeared, holding a special board that they could strap Bella to. I decided I'd better let them do their job. It might be my only hope.

They worked quickly and with skill. I put my faith in their hands.

As they lifted Bella up to put her on the gurney, her head tipped and she let out a guttural sigh. That awful sound worked like an invitation and I watched in pure horror as the shadows gathered and began flowing over her in a wave.

That was my defining moment. That was the moment when everything changed. If someone were to ask me in a hundred years, I would still be able to pinpoint that sound and that sight as what caused things inside of me to snap.

I no longer cared about the duty I was bound to. I didn't care that Bella's death could probably bring about the balance in her life far better than I could. I didn't care about anything other than the fact that if I didn't act, she would be gone. Forever.

I made my decision.

I stepped next to my Bella and kissed her gently on the forehead. The shadows dissipated instantly. I smiled down on her, knowing it had been an apt gesture, to seal our fate with a kiss.

I took a few steps, and then faded away. In my apartment, I landed on the wood floor with a thud. I lay back, unable to do much else. I was spent, physically and emotionally taxed beyond my limits. In the quiet, as I lay still on the floor, I let the truth settle over me. I allowed myself to feel the magnitude of what had occurred deep within my bones.

With that one decision, with that one kiss, everything changed. For I had done the one thing that angels are forbidden to do and nothing would ever be the same.

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**AN: **The title of this chapter translates to "love of one's fate", which is an idea expounded on by Nietzsche, and there is a link to the wiki on my profile. Also, _I am well aware of the comparison of this story to City of Angels, and I know what happened in that movie, but please recall that in Twilight, the real turning point was when Edward saved Bella from the van in the parking lot, I am trying to stick to key elements of canon for this story._

Thanks for reading. Love, C.


	14. The Price

Disclaimer - Twilight and related characters are the creation of Stephenie Meyer. No infringement intended.

Beta - miaokuancha (with me deepest thanks)

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Atonement (noun): making of amends: the making of reparation for a sin or a mistake

_**Chapter 14 - The Price**_

_**(Bella)**_

I wasn't in my bed. That was the first thing I was sure of, before I even opened my eyes. There were too many sounds, and the smell wasn't right. My home didn't smell of disinfectant and floor polish and stale air.

I opened my eyes and took in the area around me. I was in a hospital, that much was clear. I was lying in a bed and there was a thin sheet covering my body which was clothed in a flimsy hospital gown.

I wasn't cold.

The bed I was lying on was in a large room, divided by those large curtains that made a big racket when they were pulled one way or the other. I could hear carts being wheeled around, curtains sliding along their metal tracks, the chatter of what I assumed were doctors and nurses and patients - all of it mingling into the general din of a hospital.

A quick inventory showed me that I wasn't hooked up to an IV. There was a clip on my finger that seemed to be keeping track of my pulse, but nothing else was tethering me to the bed. I scanned the corners of the room, looking for clothes, but found nothing.

I took a deep breath and stretched. A happy sigh escaped my lips. I felt like I had just experienced the best sleep of my life. I was refreshed and energized. There was a small plastic pitcher within reach of the bed along with some plastic cups. Thirst suddenly gripped me hard and I poured myself some water. It was tepid and tasted a little like plastic, but I didn't care. A pleasurable moan bubbled up from my chest as the water poured down my throat. It felt so wet and good and satisfying it could have been the nectar of the gods. As I was pouring my third little cupful, a realization hit me so hard that I dropped the cup. The water soaked right through the sheet and gown. I watched the blotch of wetness spread.

Why was I in the hospital?

Panic gripped me.

I felt completely fine. No, that wasn't accurate at all. I felt incredible. I felt like someone had injected me with sunshine and rainbows - and then threw in some kittens and puppies for good measure.

I wiggled my toes, bent my knees and sat upright. I wiggled my fingers and twisted my wrists. My head and neck were working fine as well. Nothing felt sore or painful.

Why was I here?

I tried to remember back. I had left the library early. The weather was bad and I was walking home. That was it. I couldn't recall anything else. Thinking that maybe I fell and hit my head, I took my fingertips and felt around my scalp. There were no bumps, bandages or stitches. Nothing felt tender or like it had faced any sort of trauma.

It didn't add up. They wouldn't have me in a hospital if there wasn't something wrong. I pressed the call button near the bed. Maybe the doctor or nurse could explain what had happened.

A nurse entered my room seconds later. She looked shocked to see me awake and sitting up. She looked like a mom. I couldn't put my finger on what made me think that, but something about her felt safe. She took a peek at the monitor next to the bed and then took my wrist in her hand.

"Ah, the miracle patient finally awakes. How are you feeling?" She asked.

I tried to process what she said. Miracle patient? What did that mean?

"I feel fine, I think. What did you mean when you said 'miracle patient'? I seem to be a little light on the details of what happened. Why am I here?"

She opened her mouth, like she was about to answer, then closed it and stared at me for a moment. Finally she spoke.

"You don't remember anything that happened?"

I shook my head.

"I'm going to go get the doctor. I'll be right back."

I poured myself some more water and leaned back on the pillow. I wondered what day it was. I wondered if anyone even knew I was here.

My thoughts were interrupted by the return of the nurse. She was accompanied by an older man in a white coat with a thick gray beard. There were also several people who seemed to be trailing slightly behind them, as if they all wanted a peek at what was happening in my little corner of the hospital.

"Hello Ms. Swan. I'm Dr. Banner, the attending physician for the Emergency Room. How are you feeling?"

"Fine, I think. I already told the nurse."

He nodded politely. "May I examine you while we talk?"

I agreed and he began gently pressing on my stomach with careful hands. "Any pain here at all? Tenderness?"

"No."

"What about here?" He asked as he moved his hands higher.

"No."

We continued having this same exchange as he examined every inch of my torso.

"The nurse said you were having difficulty remembering. Are you having any pain in your head? Headache, blurred vision, anything?"

"No. My head feels fine."

Dr. Banner peppered me with questions to test my memory; my address, telephone number, the date, my birthday. I was able to answer all of his questions with ease.

"You don't know what happened today though?"

"I was at work. I work at the library. We closed early because of the weather. I was walking home. That's the last thing I remember clearly. I can't really explain it, but when I try to think of what happened, my whole brain just feels fuzzy. Why am I here? I seem to be okay."

"Yes Ms. Swan you do seem to be okay. That's just it. It doesn't make any sense, medically speaking. You were in a very bad accident, only 3 hours ago. You were pinned between two vehicles. The EMTs that arrived on the scene didn't think you were going to make it to the hospital alive. Their initial assessment was that you had broken vertebrae, severe internal bleeding, large lacerations across your abdomen and that you had probably suffered some amount of brain damage. You had lost a lot of blood."

He paused a moment and I looked down at my body, trying to find any evidence of the accident. There was nothing. No part of me felt injured in any way.

"When you were in transport in the ambulance, your breathing, blood pressure and pulse suddenly all came back to normal levels. One of the paramedics was cutting away your shirt to assess your wounds and he said that your skin started healing itself as he watched. He's a little shaken up from it, as you could probably imagine. When you arrived here, you were a mess, covered in blood, but otherwise no worse for the wear. Your brain pattern didn't indicate that you were in a coma, but you were in a state of very deep sleep and we weren't able to rouse you. The nurses cleaned you up but couldn't find so much as a scratch on you. Every test we ran came back fine. You've confounded us all. I would say that my standing here talking to you is definitely miraculous. I have never seen anything like this, ever."

"Am I allowed to go home?" I asked in a small voice. I was feeling anxious, as eyes peered around the curtain of my 'room'. It was like they were all expecting me to turn my water into wine. Since I had apparently performed my own Lazarus impersonation, I couldn't blame them, but it was still unsettling.

"We don't have grounds to keep you here. There isn't anything at all that you can tell us about what happened?"

"I really don't know what happened. I don't even remember the accident that you're talking about. I just want to go home."

The doctor nodded in assent.

"I'll have the nurse ready your paperwork. We can also set up counseling services for you . It might be helpful for you to have someone to talk with over the next few weeks."

I thought of Edward and knew instinctively that he had had a hand in whatever had happened to me. I needed to find him. I wasn't going to get any answers sitting here, or by seeing a therapist. I needed to find Edward.

The nurse explained to me that my clothes had been disposed of. She found me some scrubs and I changed quickly. I made a startling discovery as I changed. I didn't have any cuts, bruises or scars. There wasn't a mark anywhere on my skin. Scars that I had from when I was ten were gone. The place on my knee that I'd nicked shaving in the morning was perfectly healed. My skin was flawless. I looked in the mirror and found that my cheeks were rosy and my hair was lustrous and shiny. I had expected to look like death warmed over, and instead I was greeted with a reflection I almost didn't recognize. I seemed to be exuding health and vitality out of my very pores.

My mind was still whirling from all the things the doctor had said and all the things I had just seen. Why was I still alive? Why couldn't I remember anything that had happened?

When I exited the hospital, the streets were still pretty bare, but the worst of the freezing rain had stopped. Some big flakes of snow were falling around me, melting when they hit the ground. I rifled through my bag, which the hospital had returned to me. I pulled out my wallet and was relieved to see that I had enough for cab fare. I didn't think I wanted to brave walking the streets again today.

When I got into the cab I was going to ask him to drive me to my address. My original plan was to head home, but as I sat down in the back of the car, I knew I needed to go to Edward's. I told the driver the address and settled into the seat, trying to ignore the nagging certainty in my belly that Edward was at his apartment, and what it meant that I could know such a thing.

I made my way up to Edward's apartment. Certain things were beginning to click together in my mind, but there was still too much uncertainty. On top of that, I just had a deep desire to see Edward, to be with him, knowing that just his presence would be enough to help me begin unraveling the details of what had happened today.

I knocked and waited for Edward to answer the door. I had no way of knowing that he was back, but in my heart I knew it to be true. As soon as the door opened, and I saw Edward in the doorway, I threw myself into his arms. I felt like I should cry, or laugh or something. Nothing made sense to me at the moment. I was alive against all odds, apparently. I now found myself in the arms of the man that I loved, and I couldn't think of anything to do but kiss him.

I kissed every inch of his face, every inch of skin I could reach as I stood up on my tiptoes. I let his scent, his warmth, the very aura of all that he was wash over me.

"Bella, my love. I hoped that you would come for me." I registered the words he was able to get out between my kisses, but I didn't really think about what he could mean.

He gently cupped my cheek and brought his lips to mine, kissing me deeply. The craziness surrounding me melted away. I let myself be buoyed away by his love, for the briefest of moments.

When he pulled away I realized that his wings were out. I hadn't noticed when he came to the door, because they weren't in their usual state. They drooped from his back like wet sails and the floor around my feet was littered with feathers.

"What's going on? I just came from the hospital. They said I almost died today, but that I got miraculously better. Were you there? I can't remember what happened. And what is happening to your wings, are you okay? You look ill." In my elation to see him I hadn't realized it, but standing near him now I could see subtle differences. His wings weren't gleaming. The feathers around my feet were dull and looked tattered. He looked pale and tired. It was as if some light inside of him, his angelic nature itself, had dimmed.

"I have much to tell you, but little time. First, I need to know something : you love me, right?"

"Yes. I love you Edward. I love you more deeply than I ever imagined I would love anyone."

He gave me a weak smile.

"Let me show you something." He touched his index finger to my temple. I though he was just going to brush the hair away from my face or caress my cheek. Instead, he left his finger on that spot and a rush of images flooded my mind. My breath caught as I watched it all play out, just as Edward had seen it. I saw Alice flying toward him, warning him about the accident. I saw the cars, the mangled wreckage, the blood all around. I saw myself, crumpled on the ground. I watched as they loaded my body onto a gurney, lifeless as a rag doll. The last thing I saw was my face, close up, as Edward had leaned in to kiss me.

It explained much. It had looked very bad. I could now understand why the hospital was regarding me as a miracle. What I couldn't understand was how I had healed. Nothing that he had shown me explained that.

"Why can't I remember any of those things?"

"Maybe there is some part of your mind that is working to shield you from those memories, for now. I wasn't sure I would be able to make you remember, but I knew I could share my memories with you. Of all the things I've seen in my life, of all the things I've experienced, nothing could ever have prepared me for finding you hurt like that. I died a thousand deaths watching you. That was why I had to do it. I didn't have any other choice."

"Edward, what did you do?"

"I was selfish. I needed the chance to talk to you again, to see your beautiful face full of life. I could have stayed with you as long as you wanted. All you had to do was say yes. Did you want me to stay, Bella?"

Two things were jumping out at me. Edward wasn't answering my question, he was just talking in circles. And he was talking as if all our chances to make choices were over. He kept using words like 'could have' and 'did'. I wanted him to tell me that he _can_ stay, I wanted him to know that I _do_ want him, too. Why was he acting like my answers no longer mattered?

"I want you to stay, always. I hated every second that you were gone. You're back now, and I'm alright. Can't we start from here? Let's forget about what happened today. I want you to stay Edward. So stay. Be selfish. If it means that you will stay with me, you can be selfish all you want. Just help me understand what's going on."

"But I have to pay Bella. In fact, I already am. There must always be balance. It's the way of things. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth - a life for a life."

He held my gaze as he spoke those last words. A life for a life.

More feathers fell to the ground at Edward's feet. It was clear to me now. He gave me life, and in return he would lose his.

"Why?" The word escaped my mouth like a breath.

"They told me all I had to do was ask you if you wanted me to stay. I knew it seemed too simple. They must have seen what would happen, so they sent me off on my little errand, knowing full well that you were going to die. I asked you. While you were lying there on the ground I asked you if you wanted me to stay. It seems foolish now, but part of me almost believed that if you could answer, if you could tell me yes, everything would be ok."

My heart was breaking for him. I closed my eyes and was surprised by an image that came to mind. It was a snippet of memory, something that happened after I was hit by the van. I wanted Edward. That was the feeling the memory gave me. I wasn't focused on pain or death or the chance to be with my family again. I just wanted to be with Edward. I wanted him to know how much I loved him. He was what I'd wanted, right up to the end.

"Death was coming for you. The shadows were all around. I watched them swarm, thick as ink. When I saw that, when I knew with absolute certainty that you were going to die - something inside of me shattered. When they were wheeling you away, I kissed you. And with that kiss I imparted life back into your broken body. I didn't want the world to exist without you in it. I couldn't exist if you weren't alive. I couldn't let you go."

He had grown more pale as we talked. A life for a life. It looked like the life was draining out of him right before my eyes. I, on the other hand, had never felt more alive. I swallowed back the cold ball of dread rising in my throat - the knowledge that I couldn't give Edward life. If he were to fade away, the only thing I'd be able to do is watch.

I stepped closer to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I tucked my head up under his chin. Slowly, his arms encircled me. For a moment, I let myself believe that everything was okay. Then, Edward's knees buckled beneath his weight, and I knew with certainty that everything was most definitely not okay.

We wound up on the floor. Edward lay back, his head in my lap. I ran my fingers through his hair and slid the tips of my fingers over the impeccable planes of his face.

"What's happening to you?"

"You know the story of the forbidden fruit, right?"

I nodded.

"Adam and Eve could eat from any tree, except the one. When they did, life as they knew it was over, and they paid dearly for their mistake. Angels are forbidden to give life. It's like our forbidden fruit. We can do nearly anything else - except for that. We are divine beings but we aren't gods. Life is not ours to give. We can take life, we can impact the course of life, but we are forbidden to give life. I will pay. I will be punished. But lying here, feeling your warm hands against my face, knowing your heart is beating and that you will live to see another day - I would do it all over again just for this moment."

"I don't understand why. Why would you give up everything for me? I'm just a girl."

"No Bella, you aren't just a girl. You're the woman I love. You're everything. That is why I did it. I found you and you lit up my life like a ray of pure sunshine. I refuse to go back into the dark. You are worth everything."

What could all of this mean? Edward was supposed to restore balance to my life. How was that supposed to happen when the one thing that I desired was going to be ripped from my grasp? Alice claimed that we would wind up together. She implied the road would be difficult, but there was no road. Just a dead end. Literally.

"They will come for me. Soon." Edward's eyes had a faraway look.

I used my hand to turn his face slightly, so that I was directly in his line of sight. I made him focus on me.

"Who, Edward? Who is coming?" I was beginning to panic.

"The Angels of Atonement."

Edward's warmth was fading. His skin was taking on an icy hue, as if he were freezing from the inside out. I felt ashamed and unworthy that this magnificent creature would give up his life in exchange for mine. I was ashamed because his sacrifice was is vain - I didn't want any part of a life that couldn't include him. I felt helpless and alone. It was like reliving the horrible day when Jake died. Once again, a life hung in the balance because of me … and once again I could do nothing.

"What do they do? Why are they coming?"

"They started out as angels. The Angels of Atonement exact punishment on angels that have done wrong. They have their own unique ways to ensure that balance is restored. They are vile, hideous creatures. Angels were never meant to harm other angels. The ones that can become Atoners. They are nothing like Jasper, Alice or me. They are dangerous and the treachery of their deeds changes them into something horrific. I don't want you to see them. I don't want you anywhere near them, but I can't bear to have you leave."

I wasn't leaving. I didn't care if the very gates of hell opened up and tried to swallow me whole, I wasn't giving Edward up without a fight.

"I'm not going anywhere. I can't lose you, Edward. I want you to stay. I need you." I said the words like a prayer, wishing with all my might that they would make a difference.

"Do you forgive me? You could have been with your family now. You wouldn't have to be sitting here with me, you wouldn't have to go through this. Please tell me you forgive me."

He was shaking now. I wanted to get him a blanket, to move him somewhere softer. I wanted to get him help but he was clutching at my waist, holding me to him. I couldn't go anywhere.

"There's nothing to forgive." He gave a sigh, and the tension in his body eased slightly.

I decided to keep talking, hoping it would distract us both from whatever was to come.

"I remembered something, a little while ago, about the accident. I remember wanting you. I wasn't afraid, I was just sad. I wanted to tell you how much I love you, and I didn't think I would ever get the chance. Those were the thoughts that were going through my mind. So please don't ask me to forgive you. I'm selfish too. I don't want to live in a world without you, but I don't know how to change that. I don't have a magic kiss that will wake a sleeping prince. I don't know what to do."

The last part came out in a pitiful yelp. My throat was so tight it felt like someone was holding it in their fist. Edward's eyes glossed over. He looked like he wanted to soothe me, to take away my pain once again, but he didn't have the strength left to do it. I leaned down and kissed him, and when I pulled back, it was impossible to tell if the tears on our cheeks were his or mine.

The quiet around us was suddenly shattered by a piercing wail. My immediate concern was for Edward, but I quickly realized the sound wasn't coming from him. I also realized that we were no longer alone. Two 'things' were coming toward us. I titled them things because I had no other context for what they could be. They weren't human. They didn't look like angels either. They looked graceful and deadly. Long, deep-black hair hung in great masses from their heads. Their hair was so long that it adorned their forms in a curtain of shadow, and in certain places where it clung to their bodies there seemed to be a complete absence of space - simply a black void and nothing else. Their mouths were lipless gashes, full of pointed fangs. They didn't have eyes, just empty sockets that glowed like lava. It was as if there was a damning fire inside of them, right at their core, struggling to get out. If I tried to conjure up the worst nightmare image I could imagine, it would still pale in comparison to the creatures before me.

They shuffled toward us. I tried to move away, to slide Edward back along the floor with me, but it was impossible to move. Edward's body was rooted to the spot. The Atoners continued to make their horrid wailing noise. It swept through my body, stirring up every bad emotion of dread, loss, fear, and despair. They had long claws on their hands, and one of them held a coil of something shiny, it looked like metal rope.

A wind picked up in the room. It was icy cold. Flakes began falling around the two creatures. I thought it was snow, but it was black like ash. Edward shivered in my lap, his teeth chattered wildly.

"Stay away!" I yelled. "Leave him alone. He's staying with me."

I tightened my grip on Edward. I peered around the room but found nothing that would be suitable as a weapon. If I had to fight with my bare hands I would, I wasn't giving Edward up. He would not be punished because of me.

A voice sounded inside my mind. It was vile and cruel. "_You can not stop us human. The angel must pay. He has broken our laws. We will take him away, and you will forget all about him. It will be as if he never existed."_

The voice quieted and I had to fight back the urge to retch. My body felt tainted after this violation. How could it say that I would forget about Edward? Was this their sick idea of how to restore balance, making me forget what I had with Edward, making me forget what I lost?

"NO!" I screamed the word as loud as I could. "No! No! No" I screamed it over and over again.

Edward grabbed my hand and shook it, the screams died on my lips. "Fight it, Bella. Whatever it is they are telling you, fight it. I love you. Always remember that."

He quieted, having used up nearly all his remaining strength to speak to me. I kissed him, carefully, doing my best to capture every detail in my mind. Something told me it was the last time I would ever get the chance to kiss him.

The Atoners grabbed onto Edward's hands. They began wrenching him away from me. I stood to fight. I swung and grabbed at them but my hands never found purchase. It was like trying to fight the wind, or a shadow. Nothing I did impacted them in any way. They managed to get the rope around Edward's wrists and he was being hauled up off the floor.

I reached out for him. If I couldn't touch them, maybe I would be able to pull Edward away. This became my new plan, and I lunged for Edward.

I was inches away from him when I was pushed back. There was some kind of force field surrounding him. I could get close, but then I could go no further. I pushed and prodded and poked and used all my strength to break through, but it was no use.

"It's the rope Bella. It's celestial gold. You can't get near it. No human could. There's nothing you can do. I made my choice, I have to make amends."

I hated his words. How could he just accept it? Was I just supposed to let him go?

His hands rose higher and now he was floating above the ground. His legs and head hung limp and his arms were pulled high over his body, bound by the glowing celestial gold rope. He resembled a macabre marionette, held high on a string. The remaining feathers dropped off, fluttering to the ground in ungraceful arcs.

He had lost his wings.

He looked like a man as he hung before me. A man who was broken and beaten. My heart swelled and it startled me to realize that I'd never loved him more than I did right at this moment.

With a groan he used the last of his remaining strength to lift his head. His eyes, still green but without their usual sparkle, found mine.

"You were worth all of it, Bella, my love."

With a last gust of wind they were gone. The Angels of Atonement. Edward.

The room was eerily still after what had just taken place.

The floor was still strewn with feathers. In a daze I gathered them to me. I marveled at how different they looked now that they had fallen off. They were no longer shiny. They were dull and tattered and didn't smell like Edward. They were brittle and dry. Just like Edward's eyes had lost their sparkle, the feathers had lost something as well. I knew that if someone looked at me, that was what they would see too, that I had lost something.

The feathers turned to dust in my hands. That was it. Now everything was gone.

I stumbled into Edward's room and fell down on his bed. I didn't cry. I didn't sleep. I lay there and I breathed. I burrowed my head in his blankets and breathed him in. I lay there and I remembered. I remembered every moment, every detail that was stored in my brain, and I swore I wouldn't forget.

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AN: There is just one more chapter left. Thank you to anyone who has stuck with this story, you overwhelm me with the generosity of your time and thoughts. Thank you for reading. Love, C


	15. Balance

Disclaimer - Twilight and its related characters are the creation of Stephenie Meyer

"Thanks" can not even begin to express my gratitude to miaokuancha, you've been a guide more than a beta, and I am in your debt.

Time to say goodbye to Bella and Angelward. Thanks for coming on this little journey with me. I dedicate this to all of you, who have taken the time to read, to share your thoughts, and to believe in this little story. You have blessed me in more ways than I could ever tell.

* * *

"And now these three remain: **faith**, **hope** and **love**. But the greatest of these is **love**." 1 Corinthians 13:13

**Balance**

_(Bella)_

The world had changed.

Everything was different now, and I was the only one that noticed. It was a colder place. The sun didn't shine the same way. There was more to fear and less to love. I guess that's what happens when there is one less angel to watch over us.

I didn't know how to go on. I had had enough practice dealing with loss. I knew how to put on a brave face, put one foot in front of the other … take one day at a time. This wasn't the same. Though I loathed to visit, there was a place, a clear spot marked with a stone where I could go to say goodbye, before.

This time, there was just loss. Total, unfathomable loss.

He was just gone.

If it had been up to me, I would be gone too. I would fade into nothing, return to dust - just the same as the feathers from his wings. That was my wish when I curled up on his bed.

What I hadn't counted on was being carried back to my own apartment in the arms of another angel.

Jasper had carried me home.

He didn't speak as he walked. He barely looked at me. He seemed to already know what had happened. I wanted to ask, but I didn't. Hearing Jasper say the words aloud would make them real, and I wasn't certain I could handle that.

He set me down on my couch. I curled into a ball and pulled the blanket on top of me. My intention was to slip back into my memories. Instead, Jasper pulled the blanket off of me and told me to sit up.

"What?"

He hadn't spoken any other words to me, and then to demand I get up, when it was an effort just to keep breathing?

"I said you need to get up. Alice told me to tell you to keep walking. She said you can't give up."

Alice had told me that. She had told me that I had to have faith in the destination. She said you had to keep moving forward, even when things seemed impossible.

I regarded him for a moment. I wondered why he had carried me home. I wondered where Alice was. But more than all of that I wondered how he expected me to have any faith left.

"I remember what Alice said. I just don't know how I can. I saw those _things _take him. He is gone, Jasper. He is gone, because of me. He was everything that is good, and he gave that up to give me life. I'm not worth it. He should be here and I should be gone. There is no justice in this, no balance. Alice told me I would have to believe, she said I had to have faith when things seemed impossible. The problem is, I can't. I believed in Edward They took my faith when they took him."

Jasper didn't say anything right away. Part of me hoped he would just leave without saying more, hoped he would walk away and leave me to my despair.

"You're wrong. You are worth it. Edward saw that, and that was why he did what he did. I have faith, Bella. I have faith in Alice. Faith in what she can see, faith in the way that she believes that good will always win out over evil, that love will always conquer. If Alice said you have to keep moving forward then you have to. If you give up, everything that Edward sacrificed, everything he will suffer will be in vain."

Edward would suffer. I thought of the Atoners. I had the audacity to think I couldn't go on, yet he would endure suffering at their horrible hands. Jasper was wrong, I wasn't worth this.

He reached out and rested his hand on my arm.

As soon as he made contact my body was flooded with feeling. The feeling of my mom tucking me into bed when I was small. The feeling of lying in the sun on a perfect summer day. The feeling of my dad telling me he was proud of me when I brought home straight 'A's. The feeling of star shine on a clear night. The feeling of being wrapped in Edward's arms, his feathered wings cocooning me from the outside world. The feeling of endless promise and possibility. The feeling that tomorrow the sun would shine and the world would still be turning.

It was the feeling that I could go on.

"What did you do?"

"You needed courage for the battle ahead. I'm an Angel of Valor, Bella. That is what I do. You might not have to pick up a weapon and fight for your life, but you're still going to have to fight. And you must. Take what I was able to give you and let it help you to be strong."

I rose from the couch, overwhelmed by the amount of resolve that I suddenly felt.

My eyes fell on a red stain spreading along the sleeve of Jasper's shirt. He grimaced as he pulled the sleeve back to reveal a jagged gash that was bleeding freely.

"It's balance, Bella. I have to pay. I gave strength to you, so something needs to be taken away. You have paid, Edward is paying. Balance will be restored. You just have to find the way."

And then he was gone. No farewell. No further sage words. Just two little drops of crimson on the floor where he had stood.

His blood looked just like mine.

I did the only thing I could think of then. I prepared myself for battle. Bolstered by Jasper's strength, I tried to find the way.

I sat down with a notebook and wrote down every detail I could remember about Edward. I wrote down what he looked like and tried to capture his heavenly scent in words. I jotted down the things we spoke about, the places we went together. Everything I could recall was added as I created an account of our all too brief time together. It proved useful in the days to come.

As the days passed, reality seemed to shift around me. There was the day I decided to visit Edward's apartment, only to find that it was inhabited by a family I had never seen before. I had knocked, and a middle-aged woman opened the door. I rechecked the number. I even asked her about Edward. To her credit, she didn't slam the door in my face or call the police, even though I am quite sure she believed I was mentally disturbed. Over her shoulder I could see bits of the apartment. It was laid out the same as Edward's had been, but it wasn't the same. The furniture, the colors, the trappings of everyday life - like magazines and laundry, all of it was different. She explained to me that she had lived in the apartment with her family for the past five years.

Five years. I had no idea how that could be possible. When I was back out on the street I walked back and forth, carefully inspecting each building, sure I had made some sort of mistake. Even if Edward was gone, Jasper and Alice still would have had the apartment. It couldn't have just disappeared, but that was precisely what happened. I sat on the steps of the building across the street. The cold of the stone beneath me seeped through my jeans. I watched the door of Edward's building, hoping for some sign or evidence that Edward, Alice and Jasper had lived there. There was no sign. I just sat and froze, for hours.

When I finally made it home, I tried to call Edward's phone. The recording that answered informed me it was a number that was no longer in service.

Armed with a hot cup of tea and a warm blanket, I sat on my bed and tried to understand what had happened. I pulled Edward's feather out from under my pillow. The scent of it had begun to fade. I closed my eyes and pictured his face. The awful sound of the Atoners' voices echoed in my ears, "_It will be as if he never existed." _It was already happening. The traces of Edward's existence were being erased. The fabric of my reality was unraveling.

I pulled a chair up to the sliding doors that led out to my little balcony. The sky was clear and I could make out the stars even though they were dimmed by the lights of the city. I couldn't sleep. Each time my eyes closed, thoughts of Edward tumbled past, the horror of the Atoners, the certainty that wherever he was he was suffering for my sake.

I wondered if I should go to church, or pray. Would it help at all? Would these prayers, like so may others I had uttered in my life, fall again on deaf ears?

I returned to work and was surprised by Mike's friendliness. It wasn't the easy friendship we had settled into after he understood that I was with Edward. It was back to square one. He even asked if we could go out again because he'd had such a nice time on our "date".

He thought I was joking when I reminded him of Edward's arrival at the end of our awkward dinner out. It hurt too much to try and explain myself.

There was no evidence of the accident I had been involved in. The hospital had no record of my admittance. The police had no report.

I alone stood firm as the world changed around me.

Each night I sat in my bed and read over all the things I had written about Edward. I tried as hard as I could to remember everything. The only problem was that the more I read the words, the more they began to feel like a story, instead of events that had really happened in my life.

The idea of balance became my obsession. I lay in my bed remembering a time when I stood on a cliff, high above the ocean. As I had looked down into the churning water, death was both a wish and a fear inside of me. When I'd reached the shore after my ungraceful fall into the water, I'd promised myself I would never treat my life so carelessly again. Now, I was seriously rethinking that promise.

If a life could pay for a life, could I free Edward by giving up mine? It would be easy. How easily had I broken when that van crushed my body? A human was fragile, as breakable as a glass shattering on the floor.

As I fell asleep that night, I was certain death sang a quiet lullaby from the corner of my room.

In the morning I felt heavy, as if the weight of the world surrounded me. The last vestiges of strength that Jasper had granted were gone. I wanted to honor Edward by obeying his wish that I fight what the Atoners had whispered in my mind about forgetting him. I wanted to keep walking and keep faith as Alice had instructed me. The problem was that I had gone as far as I could go. There weren't any more paths to choose. I felt like I was standing at a brick wall that extended infinitely in all directions and someone expected me to get to the other side. I needed a miracle. I needed a sign. I needed something to ground me and help me to know that all wasn't lost.

Sometimes those silent prayers for help are answered. In my case, they were answered by a lovely angel sitting on the edge of my tub, knitting a scarf.

I had trudged to the bathroom to get ready for my day, and nearly tripped over Alice as she sat, silently working. I gasped in surprise and then flung myself at her in joy. When I could no longer take the discomfort of the knitting needle jabbed into my ribs, I ended the hug. That was also when I realized how odd it was for her to be sitting in my bathroom knitting. Her appearance itself wasn't that odd. I had seen Edward dissipate into thin air, and Jasper as well. What I was confused about was the timing of her visit, and the knitting, and her chosen location.

As if she anticipated these very questions, she began to speak.

"I figured this would be your first destination in the morning, so I decided to set up camp here."

"How come I haven't seen you? Where have you been? I went to the apartment, but someone else lives there. Everything feels wrong."

"It feels wrong because it is wrong. It won't be for long, though. Jasper and I aren't supposed to interfere. You are supposed to do this on your own. The only problem is that I see what you have been thinking about, and that isn't the way balance works. If you were to take your life, more scales would be thrown out of balance. You can't think things like that. Life is precious. If spending time with Edward taught you anything, it should have been that."

I felt ashamed. In the dark and quiet of night, those thoughts seemed much more rational. In the light of day, they were shown for what they really were, a cowardly way out.

"That's a lovely scarf you're making." I gestured to the piece she was knitting, hoping to shift the focus away from the awful choices I'd been considering.

"Thanks. I'm making it for Jasper. He doesn't get cold, but sometimes he likes to wear a scarf in the winter."

She knit a few more rows as I watched. Her fingers moved with speed and skill. The needles made a slight clacking noise as she worked.

"May I show you something?" She said, gesturing me closer to the piece she held in her hands.

I leaned in to get a closer look.

It was charcoal gray with red and blue stripes every three or four inches. It was nice enough.

"If I was only concerned about being warm, do you think it would matter much what kind of pattern I made on here?"

"No, I guess not." I said.

"If that was the case, I could just knit this up really quickly and be done with it in a few hours. Right?"

I smiled at her, knowing another important lesson was being worked out in front of me.

"But what if half-way through, I decided that I wanted this to be warm and beautiful? What if I decided to go back and change something?"

She began unraveling several inches of the scarf. The yarn pulled easily away from the unfinished item.

"Sometimes, if you're careful, you can make it so that everything is even more beautiful than before. Sometimes you can go back, and by changing the place of one string, you can change it all."

She began knitting again, and she worked so quickly that her fingers were a blur. To my amazement, there was a new design apparent on the scarf. Red and blue angel wings on a gray background.

She regarded the change with satisfaction and then whispered to herself, "Maybe I will give this to someone else instead."

"Do you see, Bella? Once in a while we get the chance to change things, we get to go back and make a new pattern. And if we're lucky, it is even more wonderful than the first time around."

"Too bad I can't knit."

Alice laughed. "Maybe the 'we' I was referring to wasn't you, Bella. There are forces at work here that are even more powerful than angels. They are able to knit the design of humanity blind-folded, but on a rare occasion they go back and alter the pattern. I can see how perfect it will be when it is complete. It's absolutely amazing."

Her passion touched me deeply, but it didn't make many things clear.

"What am I supposed to do, though? If the Great and Powerful Oz is going to fix it all, what am I supposed to do? You told me I had to keep moving, keep making choices, keep faith. I'm trying, but what difference will it make? I don't understand."

Alice tucked her knitting into the darling little bag near her feet. She led me back to my bed and sat next to me, smiling kindly all the while.

"Jasper warned me not to confuse you. I guess I should have listened. I see things differently than everyone else, Bella. When you can see the now and the past, the future and the possible all at once, it kind of skews the way you view things. I know you are trying to make choices. I know you are fighting to make it through each day. The problem is that you aren't. The world is changing around you. You said as much. You, however, have your feet stuck in concrete. I know you are trying to hold onto Edward. The trouble is that he's already gone. If you open up your hands, you'll see that he isn't there. Stop trying

to hold on to the past. If you let it go, if you allow it - the past might just wind up in your future."

And with that, she was gone - yarn, scarf and all. No goodbye. No more sage words of advice.

In many ways I felt like I was back to square one. Should I do what Edward said, and fight the tide that threatened to wash me away, along with every memory of him? Should I do what Alice said, and go on with my life - hoping that somehow, someway Edward will find me there?

Once again it came down to having faith.

**3 Months Later - **

"Bella, can you grab some more cups from the back?"

"Sure." I called back to Leah, as I headed to the supply room.

It was my third week of work at Holy Grounds. It was the same coffee shop that I had sat at with Edward, but that felt like a lifetime ago. And in many ways it was.

Leah had purchased the shop and renamed it, when I asked about the choice she told me it had to do with her Native American heritage. The irony of the new name wasn't lost on me.

I was working here each night from 6:00 until we closed at 12:00.

This was my new life. I had had to make some hard choices after my visit from Alice. She was right about me being stuck. I had been afraid that if I did anything at all, I would miss some sign from Edward. I had allowed myself to crawl back into the protective bubble that I was so used to carrying around. I'd learned from experience that that wasn't living at all. That was almost as bad as throwing my life away, and Alice was right, being with Edward had taught me that life was precious and to be valued. He'd given up his for mine, and that wasn't something I could overlook.

So I ventured out into the world, holding each sacred memory of Edward close in my heart. I started classes at the local college. I quit working at the library. I now worked at Holy Grounds, and made enough money to manage, and when I could bring myself to serve a big smile alongside the coffee - then the tips weren't bad either. There was time to study when the night was slow, and I got to bring home any leftover baked goods at the end of my shift, so all in all it wasn't a bad gig. I'd met more people in the past three months than I may have ever met in my entire life.

Despite the gaping hole of loss in my chest, occupied by not only my parents and Jacob, but Edward as well, there were still a few sparks of hope smoldering down deep inside of me. Wading back into life, finding purpose, meeting people, laughing, smiling, it was all happening. It was all happening to me.

I hadn't seen Alice or Jasper again. I didn't catch a single glimpse of Edward. But I still got up in the morning and tried to have a life. Tonight, as I grabbed the cups that Leah asked for, I wondered once again if I would ever see any of them again.

"Bella!"

The sound of my name startled me, and the cups dropped out of my hand. I looked up, flustered, and was happy to see Esme Cullen at the counter. I hadn't seen her since I stopped working at the library, and her smiling face was a welcome treat.

"Hello, Esme. How are you? It's nice to see you."

She ordered a coffee and some pastries to go. We exchanged pleasantries as I rung up her order, and I was pleased by the genuine happiness that flooded me upon seeing her.

We said goodbye, but as she turned to leave, she looked like she had something more to say.

When she reached the door she turned and came back to the counter.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I have a question. I don't usually do things like this, but somehow, when I saw you here I just knew I had to ask. Our son is home from college for a week. He's been studying abroad. I was wondering if you might be able to come to dinner at out home tomorrow. I'd like for you to meet him."

I stood and stared a moment, a bit stunned. I had thought that Esme and her husband hadn't been able to have children. Or was this another one of those cosmic shifts I'd been experiencing for weeks? I also wondered what kind of son would be thrilled about their mom inviting random girls for dinner. I didn't know what to say, and I imagined Alice rolling her eyes as the concrete hardened around my feet again. It was amazing that I had just been in the back room patting myself on the back for living life, and now when an opportunity presented itself to me I was so ready to let it pass me by.

"I'm sorry. It was foolish of me to ask. It was nice to see you Bella. Please stop by the library and see me when you get a chance."

She began to walk away. I'd taken so long to think that she mistook my lack of response for a no.

"Esme, wait." I slipped out from behind the counter and met her. "I'd love to. I was just surprised by the invitation."

She seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. We exchanged information and she was on her way.

So the stars had aligned, and on the one night of the week that I had off, I was going to dinner at the Cullen residence - to meet a man I didn't even know existed.

When I was home later that night, munching on a slightly stale, leftover croissant, I read through the book of memories I had created about Edward. It had been three days since I'd picked the book up, the longest I'd gone without reading it. Warm butterflies invaded my stomach as I remembered what it felt like to run my fingers through his hair, the warm touch of his skin on my own, the way it felt to sleep with one of his wings draped over me protectively. And then the butterflies turned to lead and ice as I recalled the evil presence of the Atoners, Edward being bound and taken away, Edward's wings - gone.

I closed up the book, wondering if there was any possible way that Edward and I would ever find one another again. Here on earth, or in some other place. With each day that passed I felt like the likelihood of that happening was slipping through my fingers.

A little card slipped out from the pages of the book and landed on the couch next to me. I picked up the card Edward had given to me, the card that told me his phone number and that his last name was Cullen.

Edward Cullen.

Cullen. The same last name as Esme and Carlisle Cullen.

A little seed began forming in my mind, and its roots were already wriggling around, digging in deep, blooming hope in my soul.

Edward Cullen. Edward, the angel whose soul arose from the love between Esme and Carlisle Cullen. I remembered Edward telling me the story, the beauty and magic wrapped up in it all.

Could there still be magic there? Could it really be that easy? Could Esme's son be Edward?

My body was nearly vibrating with excitement. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was almost 2:00 in the morning. I knew there was little chance of sleep tonight. I was fighting the urge to throw my clothes on and go to the Cullens' home right now. If there was even a small chance that Edward was there, I wasn't sure how I would accomplish anything else until I knew for certain.

I managed to get myself into bed, even though I knew it was a lost cause. Questions raced to my brain at an alarming rate. If it was Edward, was he human now? Why wouldn't he have come to find me? Would he remember who I was?

I opened the window, letting the cool spring air flood my room. Spring had arrived, and it had helped to see the rebirth of the earth, to see it wash over the bare trees and ground like a soothing balm. The respite from the cold gray winter had done wonderful things to my outlook on life. It had given me resolve to keep walking, to keep believing that one day I would find Edward again, to believe that the parts of my heart that were dormant would be flooded with love again one day.

When my eyelids were finally beginning to close, the last thought on my mind was a silent prayer: please, please let it be Edward.

Esme had asked me to arrive at 6:00 for dinner. I'd called the house three times today, hoping to come up with some reason to arrive earlier, or just for the chance that Edward might answer the phone. No one picked up, any of the times I called. I still found myself on the street outside Esme's home at 5:00, after having convinced myself that showing up earlier would be ridiculous, especially if it wasn't Edward.

The house was amazing, tucked on a side street in the suburbs just outside the city. It was the kind of home that any child would be lucky to grow up in. It was the kind of home that felt welcoming, even from the road. With my heart beating wildly, I walked to the door and managed to calm the shaking in my hands just enough to knock. I didn't have a good excuse for being so early, and just decided to try and come up with an explanation off the cuff if I was asked to present one.

I heard footsteps on the other side of the door and was certain that if it was Edward on the other side, I was going to fling myself into his arms and kiss him soundly for the next several hours. To my disappointment, Esme opened the door.

"Bella? I'm so glad you could make it. Come on in."

To her credit, she didn't mention how early I was, once. She simply welcomed me in, treating me like a guest of honor.

"Your home is lovely. I've never been out this way."

"Thank you. I just need to check on some things in the kitchen and then I'll give you the grand tour."

I followed her to the kitchen. It already smelled delicious. There was a large table that was set with four places. I found myself craning my neck, trying to see around corners, hoping to catch a glimpse of Esme's son. The house, however, seemed pretty quiet.

We made small talk about the library, and what we were having for dinner, and the classes I was taking. The conversation never approached the topic I was most concerned about.

When Esme was ready, she wiped her hands clean on a towel and ushered me on to see the rest of the house.

"Carlisle and Edward should be back in about twenty minutes. They're stopping to pick up dessert on their way home."

I heard nothing after the word Edward. I wanted to jump, to dance, to scream, to sing. I couldn't help the smile that completely overtook my face.

"Edward is your son?"

We had reached the living room. Over the mantle there were pictures. A picture of a little boy with untidy hair and shining green eyes. A picture of a boy in a jacket and tie, standing near a large piano, looking a bit anxious. A picture that looked pretty recent, of a young man in hockey gear holding a trophy.

They were all Edward. Each picture showing the man that I loved. Tears pricked my eyes as I eyed the photos greedily. I drank in every detail, from the little boy with the missing tooth, to the self-assured smile on the young hockey player. It was utterly impossible. A few months ago these pictures couldn't have existed, and yet here they were. He was stunning in every one, but different somehow. It wasn't just the age that threw me, it was that he didn't look exactly as I remembered Edward to be, the startling perfection of his face was softened slightly. Either way he was still heartstoppingly lovely to me, and I found myself reaching out to touch the frame of the picture nearest me.

"Yes, Edward is our son. He's been in Greece for the past two months studying ancient religion and mythology. He seemed to really enjoy his time there, but I'm just glad to have him back home."

She showed me the rest of the house, and I followed along dutifully, not really paying attention. It was impossible to think about anything other than the fact that in minutes, Edward would be walking into this house. Then perhaps I could also utter Esme's words, about being glad to have him home.

We wound up back in the kitchen and I offered to help prepare the salad. Esme left me working so she could grab the cloth napkins from the linen closet.

I counted the seconds in my head. My anticipation was mounting with each passing moment. And then I heard a car pull into the driveway and worried that I might actually pass out, which wouldn't do at all. I really wanted to be awake for my reunion with Edward.

I reminded myself to breathe as I concentrated on the lettuce and tomatoes in front of me. The knife in my hand stilled when I heard someone enter the kitchen. I placed it on the counter carefully and turned, wondering if it was simply Esme returning with the napkins.

There, right in front of me, was Edward. My Edward. And though I had thought I would throw myself into his arms, I couldn't bring myself to do anything but stare.

"Bella?" He asked, as the items in his hands fell crashing to the floor.

I approached shyly and helped him pick up the things which had fallen. He was close enough to touch now. He smelled like expensive cologne, and there was a small scar under his right eye.

"Is it really you, Edward?"

He reached out and touched my hand. I was surprised by how rough his skin was. He had the hands of a man.

Esme entered the kitchen with Carlisle. Edward quickly drew his hand back.

"I see you two have met. Bella Swan this is my son Edward. Did you pick something good at the bakery?" She gestured to the box that had just had a very unceremonious trip to the floor.

"I grabbed some kind of apple tart, I think. I hope it's still edible, I just dropped it."

Esme shook her head and carefully picked up the box, ready to examine the contents for damage.

"I'm going to show Bella some of my pictures from Greece. We have a while before dinner, right?"

I saw Carlisle and Esme exchange a quick glance of surprise and then smile.

"Go right ahead. I'll let you know when we're ready to eat."

I followed Edward out into the hall and up the stairs. I hadn't seen the upstairs of the house. He opened a door off the hall and ushered me into his bedroom. I guess some part of me expected him to have the same spare, tidy room as the angel I had known. This room was decidedly different. It wasn't untidy, but it was incredibly cluttered. There was a large stereo system, but nothing else seemed familiar. There were hockey sticks and skates shoved in a corner. A fancy laptop was lying closed on the bed. The bed was small, and I almost laughed out loud over the comforter with all the Star Wars characters printed on it.

"Don't laugh at my Star Wars blanket. Mom still thinks I'm ten, sometimes. They used to be my favorite."

I smiled at the way he said 'mom'.

The desk, nightstand and dresser all housed various books, trophies and knick-knacks. It was the accumulation of a boys life, and once again my brain wrestled with how all of this was possible.

I was brought back to the here and now when Edward spoke again.

"Bella Swan. Swan. That is really pretty. It suits you."

Did he not remember my name?

"Do you realize that when I woke up two weeks ago in Greece, the name Bella just continued to be in my mind. All day and all night. Your face, the taste of your mouth, the scent of your hair - I could recall all of those things perfectly, but I had no idea what your last name was. And that made it pretty difficult to figure out how to find you."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that the Atoners made me mortal. They turned me human and placed me on the earth and now I have this life and these memories and it all feels so strange. They did their best to erase all my angel experiences, but they couldn't completely erase you. I fought as hard as I could to keep every memory of you, and I was able to keep many - but I lost your last name, and where you live. It's been like trying to recall all the details of a dream and each moment you're awake they are harder to hold onto. I can't believe you're here. I want to hold you. I want to wrap you in my arms, but you look afraid."

I couldn't help the tears that flooded my eyes. I stopped fighting it and did what I had wanted to do for months, I wrapped my arms around Edward. Here, on earth, amidst all that life had thrown our way, we were together once again.

I was just glad to have him back home.

He wasted no time in pulling me close and I melted into him. It felt just the same as it always did to be in his arms. His hand gently caressed my hair and I nuzzled in closer. He was here, and he was real.

"I've missed you so much." I managed to squeak out.

"Nothing could keep me from you. I've been trying every day to figure out how to find you. It would have been a lot easier if I'd remembered that you knew my mom." I looked up and had to let out a little laugh at the sheepish look on his face.

He used his fingers to tip my chin back. Then his lips were on mine, and nothing else mattered. This kiss was everything. The sorrow of being parted, the joy of reuniting, the longing, suffering, hope, faith - all of it rushed through me as we embraced.

Before I fully realized what was happening, I was lying back on his bed, his full weight pushed up against me and the edge of his computer jabbing me in the side. It was too much and not enough all at the same time. His hands were edging up my shirt, and his kisses took on a new sense of urgency. When I was able to pull back slightly, I found myself gasping for air. Edward's eyes were shining with lust and for the first time since he spoke the words, I could fully understand what it would mean for Edward to be a mortal man.

I slid away. I wanted to enjoy every moment of having Edward back. I didn't want to just get swept away on emotion and let the consequences be damned. His parents were downstairs and they weren't privy to the history we shared. It wouldn't do to have his mom walking in to find us dirtying the precious Star Wars blankets.

Edward stood and walked a few steps away. When he turned, he looked ashamed.

"Wow. I am so sorry. That was kind of unexpected. I guess as an angel I had a better handle on that kind of self control. Having you close just now made everything shut down and I'm sorry to say it, but my mind went to one place and it was pretty intent on staying there."

I could understand. That was often how I'd felt around Edward. I was always hoping to touch him, or to be touched. I couldn't fault him for feelings I'd had myself.

"I hope you know how much I want you to do all the things you might have been thinking." I noted the mischievous grin that graced his lips when I spoke those words. "However, I also know that your parents are right downstairs, and that's a little weird for me. Plus, I just got you back. I have so many questions, I just need a second to process everything."

Edward sat beside me on the bed and then lay back against the pillows, pulling me with him. He cradled me next to him, and every few seconds I would feel him feathering kisses on my hair. A sigh of contentment escaped me. Even though we'd only been back together for such a brief amount of time, the wounds and weight that I'd been carrying for months were gone. Lying with him, with my body pressed to his, I was finally completely certain that nothing would come between us again.

"I should probably start at the beginning and tell you everything." His chest rose and fell with his breath and speech, and the rhythm of it soothed me.

"I woke up two weeks ago in a strange bed, dreaming of your face, and of these horrible creatures that were inflicting my body with horrible pain. I was absolutely terrified. There was another guy sharing the room with me, and I must have looked like a wreck because he ran to get me a glass of water. I was sweating and shaking, it was awful. The longer I was awake, the more I remembered. I knew my name, I knew my roommate, I had all these memories of being a child, and my parents. It was strange though, because even though I knew all of this stuff, it just didn't feel like it really belonged in my mind. I eventually fell back asleep, but over the next few days, out of nowhere, these snippets of things would come to me. I'd picture myself with wings. I'd remember kissing you. I'd see us sitting together in a little apartment, laughing over some shared joke. The name Bella kept snaking through my head. It just didn't fit together. I started to think that there was something seriously wrong with me."

He quieted and I tried to imagine what it must have been like for him. How would it feel to wake up one day in a completely different reality, while memories of your old life continued to bleed through?

"Then, I found something tucked away in the drawer of my nightstand."

He leaned up a little and reached for a little clay pot that was sitting on the windowsill above his bed. He held up the object and I waited for the rest of the story, I wasn't clear as to what the little jar had to do with anything.

"This is a miniature replica of a pithos. They were these clay jars that they used to store stuff in Ancient Greece."

I pushed myself up and my elbow and looked at him. I raised an eyebrow as if to say: 'where exactly is this story going?'

He smiled and then kissed me again. "Patience, love. I'm getting to it."

He shook the little jar and I could hear that there was something inside of it. He removed the little cork from the lid and then shook a little hair clip from the jar onto the palm of my hand. It was the hair clip that Edward had been given when he was assigned the task of balancing my life. It was the clip that had been mine when I was a child. I stared, mouth agape.

"So I was in Greece, studying ancient religion and mythology. I'm sure my mom told you. She's pretty proud of her only son."

It didn't surprise me at all that as a person, Edward would have an interest in gods, mythology, religion - anything that we use to help define and understand the divine.

"As a child, I had taken an interest in the ancient myths, and my parents made sure that I had lots of books and opportunity to study the things I liked. Are you familiar with the story of Pandora?"

"Yeah, I think so. She opened a box and let all sorts of evil stuff out into the world. Right?"

"Partly. It wasn't a box, it was a pithos." He shook the little jar in front of my eyes. "And she did let lots of bad stuff out, but she managed to trap one thing. Hope."

He picked the clip up off of my palm.

"Hope."

Alice had been right. The pattern had been rewoven, and it was definitely a complex design.

"I found that clip. I picked it up and all of a sudden my memories all fit together. I had been an angel. I was remade as a human. You were my task as an angel and my destiny as a man. I held that clip in my hand and I saw all of it. You were my hope. I had bought that jar as a souvenir and it just seemed the right place to store it. I knew I would find you again. I had hope that all that we had suffered would lead to here."

I turned in his arms, and wound up lying face to face with him on the small bed. His eyes swept over me, pausing on my lips. His tongue darted out and moistened his own lips. Then our lips met again, the passion and fire igniting once more. His mouth and his hands were so certain. They moved with precision, and for the first time I wondered if any of his 'human' memories included other girls. I had a feeling they might and it made me a little sad.

Edward noticed the shift in my mood and stilled his kisses.

"What's wrong? I've finally found you, but you suddenly feel far away again." His tenderness touched me.

"It's nothing. I just found myself wondering how many other girls have fallen for you. How many had you kissed, maybe even loved?" I hated the sound of my voice. I was ruining our reunion by pouting like a baby.

He put a hand to his face and I thought that I upset him with my petty accusations. Then I realized that he was shaking, overcome with a bout of nearly silent laughter.

When he pulled his hand away, he was still laughing and his eyes were tearing up. When he had calmed down enough to talk he asked, "Are you serious?"

I nodded in affirmation.

"You sweet, silly, oversensitive girl. You can't imagine how much I love you. There was never anyone else. Not even in these memories that I now have in my mind. In fact, there was a complete lack of girls in general. What I do know is that my parents have worried about it a lot. They wonder if there is something wrong with me, or if I am just a really late bloomer. To be honest, you aren't the first girl they have tried to nudge my way. That's part of the reason I didn't get too excited about whoever was coming to dinner. Mom tries to be subtle but she rarely succeeds. In all honesty, even though I know it isn't going to happen, they would probably throw a party if they came up here and realized we were going at it."

I smacked his arm. "Edward!"

"What? You asked. You had to have caught the look they gave each other when I said you were coming up to look at my pictures from Greece. Like I said, mom's not real good about the subtle thing."

I squirmed my way closer to him and kissed the tip of his nose. "I'm glad there weren't any other girls."

He smiled and let out a little sigh. I studied his face, realizing I needed to rememorize it in its slightly altered human form. I ran my fingers over the stubble at his chin. His eyes were the same, as bright and sparkling as before. My gaze came to rest on the little scar below his eye.

"How did you get this?" It felt so odd to find it necessary to relearn the person you were in love with.

"I took the end of a hockey stick to my face. I was lucky it didn't break my cheek bone. I had a really nasty cut and bruises."

I kissed the scar, my eyelashes grazing over the skin of his cheek.

Somehow, as we lay there, we'd become intertwined. Our arms and legs wound round each other. It was effortless, being here with him. It didn't seem possible that any time had passed since we were parted.

"Is it wrong for me to be so happy?" I asked. "I feel like I should mourn for what you've lost and suffered. I feel like this should be difficult. But I'm not and it isn't . It just feels so good. It feels like this is how it was always supposed to be. Everything about it feels right - and that is the only thing that scares me."

"I don't remember most of what it was like to be an angel. What I remember clearly is you. Everything else pales in comparison to that. Remember what I said about hope? I think it feels right because it is right. As soon as I woke with your name on my lips, my only hope was that I would find you. Maybe, for the first time in a very long time, both of our lives are in balance. I know that isn't what you're used to, and maybe that is why it's scary. I promise you, I am not going away again. I don't want anyone else, I don't care about anything but you. Now that I've found you, I'm never going to lose you again. I have literally been through hell to get here. We've paid Bella. We've paid in full. Our future, our happiness, our love - that is what is out there waiting for us. You don't have anything to fear."

It was true. There was nothing to fear. Edward was here. He was human. He was a man that would be able to stay. One day, hopefully when we were old and had oodles of grandchildren, we would pass on, and we would be able to meet up again in that place. We wouldn't be separated because he was an angel and I was human. There was balance, and I had nothing to fear.

We had made it. Even when things seemed to be at their worst, we kept moving. Faith, hope and love had worked together in our favor.

"Edward, Bella." I could hear Esme's voice calling from the bottom of the stairs.

As I got up off the bed I noticed something draped over the chair near the desk. It was the scarf the Alice had been knitting. It was finished, and of course it was lovely. I held it up and examined it closely.

'Where did you get this?"

Edward looped the scarf around my neck and pulled me to him. "It was a gift from a friend. A reminder that there are still angels watching over us."

He held my hand and walked me to the door of his room. We both paused there. This was it. We were stepping out into the rest of our lives. Everything in our existence had led us here.

In that moment, I had faith that an enchanting dark haired angel was watching out for our future. There was hope that balance had truly been restored. And most of all, deep down into my spirit, there was love for the man at my side, a man with the heart of an angel.

* * *

_Happily Ever After...._

_Thanks for reading. Love, C_


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